#longest journey ever | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

onaperduamedee · 1 year ago

Text

Notes on A Memory of Light

Loving the symbolism of metal melting in the rebel Andoran camp. Infighting is useless now. Only the Last Battle is important.

Talmanes started showing more empathy because of Mat. That is adorable.

Ah, the Trollocs are locking people inside Caemlyn and the city is now burning. Everything's fine.

Isam POV? And an insight into the people actually surviving beyond the Blight in Thakan'dar? I like that. Fantasy and science fiction excel at creating groups of people so completely devoid of humanity that they can be slaughtered by the thousands for the sake of heroism and epic battles - Trollocs, the orcs, stormtroopers. RJ didn't go beyond alluding to clans and a language for the Trollocs, and his DF are notable for their shallow motivations. Here, we get an insight into Isam, who grew up in violent lands and turned to the dark because there was nothing else.

"There was a softness to the man equal to his genius—an odd, but inspiring, combination." - oh Talmanes is "in love" in love.

"My people live with a grave misconception of the world, Bayle. In doing so, they create injustice.” - I'm listening. Maybe Leilwin can join Ituralde and Aludra in the rebellion to destroy the Seanchan after the Last Battle.

"Nynaeve al’Meara was what, back in Seanchan, one would call a telarti—a woman with fire in her soul" - A raging sun!

Nyn gives Leilwin a deserved earful for losing the a'dam. So far her attitude was "I did a whoopsie and need to save my ass." She wants redemption, she needs to work for it.

Leilwin's submission to Nyn and the AS... People in power cannot imagine a world without submission. If they are not in power, someone else will be and surely treat them as bad as they treated others.

Does it bother me that Leilwin is doing this primarily as a point of honor rather than genuine contrition and empathy for the victims of the empire? Yes. But at least she's not a danger anymore.

It's interesting to be reminded that Aviendha was very much meant to "train" Rand so that he understood and served best the Aiel's interest. And now the WO want her back to spying/sleeping with him. She changed; she's not going to do that.

If I were Aviendha I would just not have Rand's children instead of changing one name to game fate, but for the WO it is primordial that Avi has his children to tie him more to the Aiel. They're just as embroiled in the Game of houses as the other nations.

Bair is my favourite of the Wise Ones. (I think? Their personalities are too similar.) She's right to go investigate Avi's visions.

"Talmanes couldn’t reproduce Mat’s blend of insanity and inspiration" - That's an accurate description of Mat. His stupidity is his genius.

"The Black Tower is a dream. A shelter for men who can channel, a place of our own, where men need not fear, or run, or be hated." - so, the BT took disenfranchised men, isolated them even more and turned them into weapons: yes, it's the army.

I don't know what to do with that Androl plot. I like that the Black Tower's politics are at last explored, but it should have been done much sooner. We're on the eve of the Last Battle; we don't have time for that.

Taim is Turning people now? This is so very bad. Also, Asha'man are recognizing that Aes Sedai are scholars above all, not soldiers, unlike Asha'man.

Aludra is the best, saving the dragons as she did, guiding refugees. Such a fun character.

Moghedien not wanting to overuse the spider motif on her clothes made me snort. I missed her.

Moridin rescued Lanfear by killing her so that she could be resurrected? That's a way to do it.

That platform over a sea of doomed people on fire!

Of course Graendal is punished by being made ugly and both the remaining female Forsaken are under the thumb of Moridin and Demandred: groundbreaking

So Taim has been raised to one of the Chosen. Light, did Rand fuck up with the Black Tower.

Aww, Talmanes wanted to taunt Mat more before dying. Their relationship is really endearing.

"They’re not bloody Aes Sedai on wheels. We can’t make a wall of fire." - Aludra is hilarious. Please be in the show. I see her as Nikki Amuka-Bird.

Wait, are we really losing Talmanes? Is Moiraine coming back with Mat to heal him?

I enjoyed this prologue. It didn't read at all like the last prologue of a 15-books long series, but the Talmanes/Aludra Caemlyn resistance was quite enjoyable

“The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, Perrin. We’ve become what we needed to become.” - Like Egwene is Siuan's, Rand is Moiraine's, through and through.

So Rand spies on Elayne and Elayne spies on Rand and Avi spies on Rand... No comment. YKINMKATOK

"Siuan would have killed for this ability, [...] How many more plots could that woman have spun if she’d been able to visit others as quickly, quietly and easily as this?" - I just love how often Siuan is in Eggy's thoughts. How relatable.

"This is not a decision he should be allowed to make alone." - Eggy is as cross with Rand for deciding without consulting his allies as she is about the plan itself. Last time, LTT failed precisely because he decided he could do it on his own.

HELL YEAH NYN CAME THROUGH AND SAVED TALMANES! Also the show did her explosive weaves already. I love these details.

Interestingly, Moiraine must be a pretty strong healer if Nynaeve considers healing a poisoned wound like this difficult.

"I may be Amyrlin, Nynaeve, but I am still Aes Sedai. Servant of all. My strength will be of use to you." - I continue to be baffled by the existence of fans who hate Egwene. She's now linking with Nyn to help her heal the wounded.

Rand has grown a lot. He clearly sees that he cannot do this on his own and he needs to actually explain what he does for his allies to agree to his plans.

Also you're damn right Perrin, Egwene is the smartest of you lot.

Light, I'm still pissed about the Kin. If really they must be tied to someone, I would rather they were to Nynaeve than become an army transportation service for Elayne. Not everyone needs to answer to a monarch and the Kin used to be free!

Rand thinks about people as tools, but also says he sees the people under there as well: this is a callback to Moiraine's words at the end of TEotW and TSR. I cannot stress how much Moiraine has impacted Rand's development, good and bad.

Bookcloaks: Moiraine isn't one of the main characters, she shouldn't be featured that much in the show

Moiraine: still shapes Rand's thinking after being absent for 8 books, as well as having ties to the other EF5

Have we read the same books?

How the hell did Caemlyn end up invaded though? If Elayne learned anything from the dungeons it's that the Shadow was planning to attack. There were mercenaries outside Caemlyn that she could have used as reserve. I truly don't get what her plans were here.

That said, major kudos to Elayne for not rushing in recklessly to save Caemlyn and accepting the city is lost for now. It seems she did heed Birgitte's advice. They do not have time to fall for that kind of diversion now.

"Oh my, Androl. You really don’t know anything about us, do you?”

“Honestly? No. I’ve avoided your kind for most of my life.” - I am very fond of narrative devices allowing the big story to be told through a small window. Also, their banter.

“Let me explain something to you, Asha'man. This is my fight. If the Shadow takes this tower, it will mean terrible things for the Last Battle. I have accepted responsibility for you and yours; I will not turn away from it so easily.” - oh wow, it’s that servant of all mentality coming out at last.

"We exist to make certain that men who can channel do not accidentally hurt themselves or those around them. Would you not agree that is a purpose of the Black Tower as well?” - I'll take more of that nuance about the Reds thank you. Delicious.

"It’s been over a hundred years now. I miss my family, but they’d be dead by now even if the Darkfriends hadn’t killed them.” - there's something about Aes Sedai as curators of the Light, even incredibly flawed ones, that makes them so moving. Also, glad the books are acknowledging that longevity is truly a burden.

Light, Androl refusing to stop channeling with Pevara while they were linking was stressful.

They bonded each other? They have access to each other's thoughts? I was not expecting that. That's a way to even the scales between AS and Warders at least.

Look, I LIKE what Androl and Pevara's story is doing thematically, I LIKE the added nuance to the Reds and the Asha'man, I LIKE their chemistry, but this feels so disconnected from the main plot. Everyone is at the Field of Merrilor right now.

"Only if we had blood feud, Elayne.” - oh, their descendants will if Avi's vision is to happen.

Aviendha is definitely written weirdly around Elayne, but even another author cannot erase their gayness.

Please, no more polycule nonsense. I never thought I would say this but there's actually something worse than love triangles and it's badly done polycules. Light, I hate the way this four-way relationship is written and truly pity Rand.

They ARE rescuing Logain! I love a good breaking and entering. Also Pevara is a boss of the Vandene tradition.

Wait, how did the Oaths let Pevara answer that the captured Asha'man could not hear when she had released her shield of air on him?

Seeing Emarin trick Taim's goon is entertaining and it makes me want to read more about class in this universe: there seems to be a divide between bad and good nobles, without questioning how the good ones still wield the same weapons except they're good so it’s okay.

"If Lanfear still lives… might Moiraine as well?" - she's haunting Rand, I tell you. Lanfear is pretty much immortal and he still hopes.

"We are drawn together, you and I. Time after time after time." - Moridin/Ishy's obsession with Rand is so queer.

"You’d rather not exist than continue to be you. You must know that he will not release you. Not ever. Not you.” - I would have cried. Rand has learnt to use words as weapons and they are sharp. The meeting with Egwene will be something.

As cute as using saidin to wash Avi is, I have such an allergic reaction to the way their relationship is written.

I really like Rand's words about the AoL and what it means to have the memories of a dead man. I wish he would chat with Mat.

Did no one think it was necessary to warn Egwene earlier of the time for the Very Important Meeting?

I snickered at Egwene approaching Roedran, who has no idea what's happening, and intimidating him for giggles.

Rand's display with the tent was so dramatic. I love him.

"Even Elayne had gobbled up another country when the opportunity presented itself. She would do so again." - so the expansionist angle for Elayne is very intentional on BS's part.

Light, Egwene's reflections on imperialism and Rand. I cannot wait to see Madeleine Madden, who is Aboriginal and comes from an activist family, deliver this. It's going to be magnificent.

"Would you appoint an emperor, someone to rule over us all? Would you become a true tyrant, Rand al’Thor?” - Egwene is taking no prisoner today.

Rand came prepared with the Dragon’s Peace! In exchange for his life, a non-aggression pact, the control of the Seals and the armies?

"You came, told me what you were going to do and walked away.” - That he did and it wasn't the smartest move. He has to work WITH her: she's the Keeper of the Seals.

I love this chaos and back and forth. This is going so terribly.

OH BLOODY HELL RAND JUST EXPLAIN YOUR PLAN LIKE YOU DID TO PERRIN WHY ARE YOU ASSUMING SHE WON'T UNDERSTAND

Wool-headed idiot. Egwene may be too unbending, too unwilling to take risks, but Rand is doing such a bad job at presenting his plan.

"Light, Egwene. You can still do it, like the sister I never had—tie my mind in knots and have me raving at you and loving you at the same time.” - awwch, these two. It's the other deliciously rich relationship I am looking forward to on-screen.

"The Seanchan are our worry now, aren’t they? Peace can never exist so long as they are there.” - someone listen to Alliandre. This is The Issue.

Egwene is right: this is such a mess.

Egwene calling Berelain a lightskirt: not this again, shut the fuck up

"As you wish this of me, I will sell it to you in exchange for a legacy of peace to balance out the legacy of destruction I gave the world last time.” - is it peace? The harm's been done already, some by himself. Not the way to sell his plan.

"His frown died as soon as he saw the person who entered.

Moiraine." - Lads, she's here!

I am tearing up.

WHY are we in Perrin's POV of all people? This is silly.

I AM SCREAMING Perrin was about to go hug Moiraine before Rand approached her.

Darlin probably going "Caraline?!? Is this real?"

"The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, Rand. Have you forgotten that?”

“I…”

“Not as you will, Dragon Reborn,” she said gently. “Not as any of us will." - I need a moment. I'm too emotional.

The running gag of Roedran not recognizing Moiraine, and Egwene or Grady flicking him, is just priceless.

SCREAMING Sanderson is downright writing Moiraine as mischievous again. This is too funny. She had become so desperate before the docks.

"That is a relief, as I believe I was on a path to stilling, if not execution, before.” - Moiraine is such an unintentionally funny character. I've missed her too straight answers.

I love the hidden pride in her respect for Egwene.

"Don’t you dare tell Lan about this,” she growled.

“I would not dream of it,” Moiraine said [...]

“Insufferable woman,” Nynaeve grumbled as she wiped a tear from the other eye. " - it's okay. It's only Nyn hugging Moiraine in my eye.

"The only one we know for certain will not walk away from this fight?" - I was incidentally thinking before she arrived that the only way to convince his allies was to make them understand he was their champion of the Light, not their general.

"Grady would know her only by legend, of course, but tales of Moiraine had spread among those who followed Rand." - she deserves it, honestly. Also, I love the idea of Moiraine gaining a reputation like Cadsuane's. It's only fitting.

"The last Age ended with a Breaking, and so the next one will begin with peace—even if it must be shoved down your throats like medicine given to a screaming babe.” - I love her so much. Why does she always end up babysitting leaders?

Hello, Moiraine's solving the issue of how to get the allies to agree to a unified army and break the Seals. She's a skilled negotiator.

So Rand appoints the people who had a habit of enslaving Cairhienin and pillage countries as enforcers? Yay.

"Then not much has changed, has it?” she asked lightly. “I believe you have often resisted doing what you are supposed to. Particularly when I am the one to point it out to you.” - Their relationship was SO fraught before, now it's so tender.

How did everyone agree that Elayne should lead the armies? I'm all for lady generals because there are NONE, but did everyone in the room forget Elayne is an Aes Sedai?

Oh wow, screw you Rand, so hard, for throwing the damane under the bus.

Again, Rand invoking order as a reason why the Seanchan empire isn't so bad is alarming. He would not be the strongest soldier against fascism, I guess. I am genuinely angry with him.

Lan thinks surprisingly often about Moiraine in his POV. Interesting.

The assault on Tarwin's Gap moved me and it was a relief to see everyone join Lan, but it also reinforces my sadness for how thoroughly it means Rand had abandoned Ituralde.

"I’m always careful,” Elayne said absently" - stares into a camera as on Abbott Elementary

"I won’t have one group presuming to keep to themselves and fight alone. You’ll accept our help.” - Rand was right. She's good at handling egos.

Why is Siuan not intervening at all on behalf of the AS? She's just here as Bryne's escort? I hate this.

“To fight alongside Aiel. A day I never thought I’d see, in truth.”- aww Ituralde will get his glorious homoerotic battle after all.

"Tensions are high, but you kept us together, smoothed over bad feelings, prevented us from napping at one another. Good work" - That's exactly how Elayne dealt with Nynaeve and Egwene back in Tear. Nice. Her reaction to Bryne's pride is so cute too.

Underneath all the tonally shifting fluff of the succession arc there was a perfectly compelling arc about leadership, much more efficient than Perrin's. I maintain that the biggest problem with the Perrin and Elayne leadership arc was editorial.

Oh, the Ogier decided to join the fight. I'm not terribly fond of the idea that everyone should be able to fight. The Gardeners were daunting precisely because they were Ogier, fighting. The be-all and end-all of bravery isn't fighting.

Elayne, if you trust Perrin, you can trust Faile, don't be silly.

“That man,” Elayne said, “is never where he needs to be.” “And yet,” Perrin said, “he always arrives there eventually." - Perrin's defense of Mat is actually quite endearing.

"The Seanchan are the enemy,” Elayne said. “Mat doesn’t seem to understand that, considering what he’s done." - I'd say Mat understands it as well as Rand or Perrin, both of whom fail to see the Seanchan as true enemies. So there's that.

Why are they going to such lengths to get and hide the Horn? They have Travel? Did I miss something? Why would they need Faile to transport the Horn covertly? Someone can just do what Rand does with Callandor and Travel to hide it?

Anasai of Ryddingwood is one of Moraine's favourite poets and then this bit: "Each of her poems was written as an elegy. This was for her father. She left instructions; it can be read, but should not be spoken out loud, except when it was right to do so. She did not explain when it would be right to do so.” - I have thoughts and feelings: artworks in fiction tend to be very forward with what they say about characters. This is no exception. Moiraine is someone who kept as close a watch on her feelings as on her mission. She left no explanation to Lan about what she did. This elegy is also a reminder of her letter to Rand, a man destined to die, who she believed in beyond her disappearance.

Also Lan and Moiraine talked about poetry?!?

Elayne also wants to have one of her children on Saldaea's throne. Why am I not surprised?

Bashere is an idiot if he thinks that Elayne telling everyone she is having the DR's children would be wise. Not only are soldiers not entitled to this, but it will create ground for Elayne's opponents to overthrow her later: Rand is still feared by many and it will be seen as an access for the Aiel to 2 Westland thrones.

Of course, Elayne just does just that immediately after.

Androl and Pevara's tale is more gripping that the LB preparations on the various fronts: it's fresh, it's different, it's a little bit deliciously weird with the double bond. We've already seen so many of those big battle strategizing talks.

"Were all Aes Sedai like her? He’d assumed they had no emotions, but Pevara felt the full range—although she accompanied it with an almost inhuman control over how those emotions affected her. " - woof the dehumanization of Aes Sedai still has a bright future ahead.

I'm genuinely having fun with Androl and Pevara's plotline, even for short scenes. I wish we spent more time with them because so far the different battlefronts are not doing it for me and there's not enough Egwene.

"He handed Mandarb off to a groom, holding up a finger to the horse and meeting his dark, liquid eyes. “No more biting grooms,” he growled at the stallion" - that was hilarious and perfect. Horsegirl Lan is here.

"Take care, Lord Agelmar. It almost sounds as if you are calling me selfish.” “I am, Lan,” Agelmar said. “And you are.” - Oh the burn, Agelmar is setting things straight with Lan. Tell him. His character development is long overdue.

Love the way Agelmar used the "Duty is heavier than a mountain" line against Lan: Lan has been running toward facility and away from responsibilities. Reclaiming Malkier was an excuse to die and Agelmar sees through him. Tenobia and Lan can both play at war for their personal heroic views.

Eggy chapter! My heart sings.

"She was glad she had allowed the Hall to take a larger role in the war; there was a great deal of wisdom to the Sitters, many of whom had lived well over a century." - Yep, you don't have to like them to use them.

So the Amyrlin has to authorize weddings? For sisters I imagine? Or is she like a mayor in Tar Valon?

Egwene will set up the hospital in Mayene? That's bold. It's a secluded and small nation though, so more vulnerable.

"Of course, every Seanchan was close to being a Darkfriend." - it's telling that it takes Egwene who's been enslaved and tortured by the Seanchan to label them correctly. They are a rot. And a lot of the male characters lack empathy towards AS in general so that doesn’t help.

I'm sure Leilwin swearing fealty to Egwene is supposed to come full circle but yeah. I'll hold off most of my comments until the end of the book and I see how the Seanchan arc concludes. I am skeptical so far.

I don't care for Rand and Elayne's romantic/strategic interlude. He's been with her for a grand total of 2 weeks? But they are obviously deeply bonded because they are having children together. I need the show to make them much more believable as a couple.

Also Lews Therin's memories being an advantage... Uh. Were characters beside Rand so definitive before about settling the debate whether Rand's voices are really LTT or madness? It's a HUGE gamble on their part to trust LTT’s voice. He went to great length to hide it because he doesn’t know what the voice is.

WHY is Rand explaining again ta'veren?

There must be far more behind Rand's miracles than what he believes? He hasn’t chosen yet because he hasn’t been truly challenged. He does still affect the world negatively. The prophecies are about him saving or destroying the world after all. This implies the DO would have performed miracles had Rand fallen to the Dark.

The Rand/Elayne date is one of the most bizarre and stilted romance scenes of the books, and there have been a number of those. It may be the point though? They don’t really know each other beyond a crush.

It's interesting to hear Elayne recognise that her shrewdness is mainly social capital.

"After all,” Elayne said, “I can defend myself, as I have proven on a number of occasions.” - she still doesn't get it, gdi. Birgitte needs to recruit Agelmar so that he gives her the talk.

"It is extremely unfair for me to have to deal with you. I wasn’t certain you’d noticed"- Birgitte has the sharpest of tongues and I adore her for that.

Oh Uno is alive and swearing!

"Birgitte hated battle planning, something Elayne found odd in a woman who had fought in thousands of battles" - yeah... How odd that a person who's seen so many battles would hate the clinical preparation of slaughter beforehand.

The only solution was to destroy Caemlyn to root out Trollocs. Elayne was so right about setting everything on fire.

Hell yeah, Birgitte robbed a queen. As she should. She would get along fine with Moiraine "I'm no lady" Sedai.

Birgitte is one of my favourite characters because she's probably the most anti-war and anti-military of the lot. It's not twee rejection on her part either: she saw firsthand the damage done by this sort of escalation. The danger is grave.

"Don’t you see?” Elayne said. “There won’t be war any more. We win this, and there will be peace, as Rand intends." - this is starting to sound like nuclear arms race. It'll lead to something horrific like the Choeden Kal being used in battle.

Yesssss Egwene getting approval from the Captain-General! She's been accepted as a Green, unofficially!

The Gateway weave used to spy on the Trollocs is clever. And I love the implications that the Greys will perfect them in the future.

They send Siuan to fetch rope. I will bite Sanderson. The show had better correct this.

Woof at Egwene insisting the Aes Sedai would not be used as reserve. She's right. They have trained all their life for this. This is their purpose.

"The Rahad had fought off every invasion so far. Light. Rand should have just hidden there, instead of going up to fight the Last Battle." - I like that. Wouldn't it be nice if the Rahad led the rebellion against the Seanchan?

Mat's acceptance of the Seanchan colonialism remains the most egregious aspect of his character. I hate it so much. And of course we get a happily married Seanchan-Ebou Dari couple because why not.

I was about to be pissed at Moiraine for saying compassion is a weakness but she has a point when it comes to Rand. Compassion toward an enemy bent to destroy others is violence to others. And Moiraine paid the price up until a few days/weeks ago.

"It will not matter,” Moiraine said. “You will face him, and that will be the time of determination." - yep, Tolkien set the big battle as a distraction because the fight would not be won there. The show cannot keep all these battlefronts.

Awwww Rand kept a gold mark as a reminder of Moiraine. Moiraine must be a mess inside.

Interestingly, Rand not seeing a reaction on Lan and Moiraine after they meet again could very well be his inability to read them, simply. I hope we'll get more than that. This is insufficient.

"Elayne taught me to rule, but you… you taught me how to stand" - Rand saying this and then making exactly the mistake Lan would make is ironic in the best way. Also Rand, you spent a few days making out in Tear: that's not a political education.

For real, even Lan is telling him to listen to Moiraine, so of course Rand tires himself in a futile attack against Taim and Trollocs that accomplishes nothing because so many leaders in these books are utterly selfish heroic fools.

I keep on being astonished that what Elayne did to Birgitte isn't considered a violation as big as what Moiraine and Alanna did. And said violation is having terrifying consequences on her personhood even if Elayne couldn't have forseen them. I get she felt she didn’t have a choice, but I’m uncomfortable with the fact that RJ introduced a concept that’s akin to rape and then created an exception where it’s okay to bypass consent.

"It was all right to be reborn, fresh and new. But to have her memories—her very sense of self—ripped away? If she lost her memories of her time in the World of Dream, would she forget Gaidal completely? Would she forget herself?" - genuinely, the tragedy of losing progressively all of her memories is one of the most poignant in the books. And she's alone in figuring out that she has most likely being cast out of the Horn and won't be reborn. It's terrifying.

Lanfear meeting Rand in his dreamshard to manipulate him one last time. Compassion is not a weakness, Moiraine is wrong about that. But Rand should be aware that it's one of his levers and the Forsaken and the DO particularly will use it.

The relationship Rand has with Lanfear, his ex from another life 3000 years back, is more captivating than the one he has with any of his current love interests. I stand my ground. I cannot wait to see them on screen with a current reading too.

"down deep, it was not Lews Therin who made up Rand’s core. It was the sheepherder, raised by Tam. " - he loves his dad so much, he’s the most powerful channeler alive and his greatest pride is being Tam’s son.

How satisfying to see him stand up to her and be confident in who he is without being consumed by anger or guilt.

"Do not cut off your foot for fear that a snake will bite it, Perrin Aybara. Do not make a terrible mistake because you fear something that seems worse." - Edarra is so right, but Perrin will not listen and will still succeed because ta'veren.

"Within the embrace of saidar she could see the signs of color that the Shadow wanted them to ignore. The grass wasn’t all dead; there were tiny hints of green, slivers where the grass clung to life. There were voles beneath it; she could now easily make out the ripples in the earth. They ate at the dying roots and clung to life." - Eggy's an uncommon embodiment of hope: deeply traumatised, impossibly fighting, but always hoping. Her hope is bitter, righteous and real.

"He was the manifestation of the land itself." / "she felt as if she were one with the land itself" - The parallels between Rand and Egwene... If ever there was an argument to be made about the Dragon's soul being split, here's your proof.

"Egwene—afire with the One Power, a blazing beacon of death and judgment—was the cauterizing flame that would bring healing to the land." - and another parallel. Also dear light, the Green Ajah led by Egwene in battle are a sight to behold.

The Elayne side of the assault is a little vacuous and the only way to fill it is to have Elayne discuss the tactics and positions in Fal Dara. I don't care if Elayne is the armies' leader. It's getting repetitive.

At least, Egwene's side provides the novelty of Aes Sedai actually fighting. And Lan's side... No, I'm not that interested in Lan's side either.

Even Tam is made Lord. I can get behind nobility being abolished through making everyone nobles.

Fain killed Perrin's family! I wasn't that invested in the Perrin/WC arc but it provides great drama.

"Light protect the wetlander who dared tamper with ji’e’toh." - so naming the Aiel enforcers of the Dragon's Peace is a good idea how?

"I’m going to a place you cannot, my friend,” Perrin said softly [...] “I’m sorry.”

“You’ll go to the dream within a dream,” Gaul said, then yawned. “Turns out I’m tired.”

“But—”

"I’m coming, Perrin Aybara. Kill me if you wish me to remain behind.” - This whole scene is so gay. Gaul is Perrin's Sam. They are going together to a Black Tower to destroy a magical artifact and slay a monster. Gay Gandalf exists. I love this.

"[Nynaeve] had been speaking with Moiraine and for once, she didn’t smell a twinge hateful. Something had happened between those two women." - wait, he was there for the hug so something else happened. Do I need to also write this?

Of course, Perrin is still adamant about TAR. I really like his despair at inaction though. And it's been touched on in the show already.

"This isn’t evil, it’s just incredibly stupid.” - Light, it feels good to see the boys back together.

Loving the description of the storm as a black hole with Rand at its center in TAR.

So it is a dream spike in the Black Tower. Nice.

What is Lanfear doing in the Black Tower in TAR? What is Graendal doing in the BT in reality? I AM STRESSED

Toveine was Turned? These poor women. They were force-bonded, imprisoned and Turned to the shadow.

Androl weaving just a wide enough gateway to deflect balefire is supremely silly, but I don't care: it saved the day and alerted his friends.

Androl is such a refreshing character: he is surrounded by incredibly powerful protagonists whose dilemmas mainly revolve around keeping control and not hurting people. And you've got Androl who doesn't have enough power to abuse.

The contrast between Perrin naturally trusting Asha'man and distrusting AS is hilarious given that Asha'man nearly killed Rand even before Taim had started Turning them.

Wait, Lanfear is helping Perrin? What is going on?

Lanfear is a fascinating character when she's not seen through the crazy ex lens. Perrin sold the WO Shaido to the Seanchan, Rand conquered nations in the name of peace: it's always about power. Lanfear chose the DO but Rand could just as well destroy the world if he doesn’t choose right.

Oh wow, poor Gaul. He will be forced to take in a second woman when marrying Chiad. What a tragedy.

Seeing Androl defeat Taim's people with gateways only was fun. As a writer, it's clever to introduce regularly fun new uses of magic.

The chapter opening on Mat dangling from a balcony to get into the palace. I am laughing. Typical Mat.

"He had not survived this long by taking fool chances, luck or no luck" - why are they like this? The self-awareness of a periwinkle.

Mat's thoughts on Rand and Perrin's heroism... He's arguably the one of the three who's the most loyal as he will be dedicated to strangers and people he hates, even if he spends his time saying he won't help his friends.

“We really are high up, aren’t we?” “Normal people use stairs.” - be glad he didn't arrive by stolen raken because he would do that.

"Tylin and Nalesean can have a little dance together about that." - that loyalty again. Tylin hurt him badly.

"The secret, it turned out, had not been to harden himself to the point of breaking. It had not been to become numb. It had been to walk in pain, like the pain of the wounds at his side, and accept that pain as part of him." - a little better. I am still bitter about Veins of gold. It was ill-fitting to the rest of his arc and failed to acknowledge his mental health.

"Nothing is too fine for you,” Rand whispered. “Nothing.” - oh my heart. This Tam and Rand scene will kill me.

Rand gifts the sword to Tam and practices with him: it's just a lovely character scene that strikes the right balance between awe and love. The way the fight helps Rand mourn his hand gives depth to a loss that was mostly ignored. Beautiful. If anything, this scene should have had the impact Veins of gold had. Mourning the person he was and cannot be again is an important step in healing, much more than his realization on love, that's not wrong but doesn't address his loss.

Rand and Mat united by the realization that moss lives.

I really like that Tuon is a practiced martial artist and in a completely different martial art too.

Tepid take: grey men are overused and they lost their mystique a while back.

Mat is so cozy with Tuon: it's too depressing. I had hope he would keep his ambiguity concerning her, drawn to her but also positioning himself as a shield between her and the harm she can do. It seems we lost that.

Also Tuon's voice is off.

"Loial, son of Arent son of Halan, had secretly always wanted to be hasty." - awwwwww, everyone knows he loves humans and would rather spend his time with them, it's okay. I love Loial's classic antihero arc. He's the Bilbo of this universe.

It's still disheartening to see all these characters - Loial, Elayne, Egwene - become bloodthirsty and revel in violence. And these long descriptions of mutilation and slaughter are justified by the Trollocs' dehumanization. They're props.

"Did you know that I used to spend hours in thought, trying to discover what that mind of yours was conjuring? It is a wonder I did not pull every hair from my head in frustration.” - wth, why are Mo and Rand so cute together now?!?

“It was not merely stubbornness that drove you; it was a will to prove to yourself, and to everyone else, that you could do this on your own.” She touched his arm. “But you cannot do this on your own, can you? " - like in TSR, he's his people. I’m quite proud it’s something I clocked as early as TDR.

Also one of the reasons Moiraine is such a compelling mentor for Rand: she's the same. She's so used to distrusting everyone but herself. Considering the short trailer for s2, the resemblance will be explored in the show soon.

"That said, I am one of the oldest people in existence.”

Moiraine smiled. “Very nice. Does that work on the others?” - they're killing me. She knows him. And they're on the same wavelength now that Rand has stopped fighting who he is.

"You are still a wide-eyed sheepherder at heart. I would not have it any other way. Lews Therin, for all of his wisdom and power, could not do what you must." - OH MY HEART I AM A PUDDLE Siuan and Moiraine were after all his first believers.

The discussion about Rand growing! Killing the DO (and Rand finally realizing that because Moiraine disagrees it doesn't mean she is controlling him)! Their banter about Cadsuane! THE GENTLE CHIDING! The tea! I WAS NOT EXPECTING SUCH TENDERNESS FROM THEM HOW

“Merely seeing if that still worked.”

“I never fetched you tea,” Rand protested, walking back to her. “As I remember, I spent our last few weeks together ordering you around." - this is seriously one of the loveliest scenes in the entire saga. Also, it’s important to remember that this Moiraine is greatly diminished: she lost most of her powers, is behind on so many events and spent months being tortured. This isn’t only about Rand’s growth; it’s about Moiraine’s perception of her power.

"Thank you for your advice. Now, and always. I don’t believe I have said that enough. I owe you a debt, Moiraine.”

“Well,” she said. “I am still in need of a cup of tea.” - Okay, their relationship might rival Egwene and Siuan's. I'm fiiiiine

"Sometimes, she wished that weaving were easier to understand." - I always love the contrast between how others perceive Moiraine - in control and mysterious - and her POV where she is just an exhausted ball of confused despair and doubt.

Four paragraphs of Moiraine POV? Really? This is a joke, right? Also when do we get to address what happened to her in the Tower of Ghenjei? Or is it going to be like with Egwene and Nynaeve and only men get to have their trauma acknowledged?

Lan's fight scenes remain so repetitive: I read them out loud to go through them. It's 50 ways to slay your Trolloc:

You just slice up the back, Jac.

Twist in the sword, Cords.

You don't need to be clean, Seaine.

Just take the Blight back.

"If I could round up each woman in the Borderlands and put a sword in her hands, I would. For now, I’ll settle for not doing something stupid— like forbidding some trained and passionate soldiers from fighting." - Lan has no time for sexism.

Yep, now Taim is fighting on the Borderlands front because there aren't enough channelers there. Makes sense. This is bad for them. This makes me really excited to watch the show build up to this point, because the BT was not doomed from the start: Rand fumbled their management quite badly.

Mat gets into a bragging contest with Rand the moment they meet: feels so right. Also while being held by Tuon. They're just dumbass boys with the weight of the world on their shoulders. I laughed at Tuon's guards inefficiency though.

"You look nice, by the way. You’ve been taking better care of yourself lately.”

“So you do care,” Rand said.

“Of course I do,” Mat grumbled" - their banter is so fun. I've missed this kind of levity between old friends.

This makes me think: how did Moiraine learn about Mat's memories? Did they chat about it on the way back from the Tower of Ghenjei? Did Moiraine deduce it like she deduced so many things? Did I miss this?

Rand reasoning Tuon out of her unconditional claim on the land is so satisfying. She walked straight into that one and he gained such finesse and authority since the start.

Mat notices Rand's humming because Tuon is a beautiful woman. Nice.

There he goes again with the Seanchan making life better for the people. Tell that to the Atha'an Miere, the Aes Sedai and the people who lost their land to the settlers. I love the blossoms around Rand being such an argument though.

“By the way, I saved Moiraine. Chew on that as you try to decide which of the two of us is winning.” - I AM DECEASED

So Rand gave away entire nations and abandoned the damane to the Seanchan. He sentenced them to at least 100 years of servitude. I'm fuming. This is such a triumph of imperialism and fascism shaking hands on the fate of the world because their strength is needed. The tragedy may be the point, but I don't think two white US authors can write about this with enough nuance.

The way Egwene leads on battlefield is so distinctive and her: it's so organized and effective. And Siuan talks! One sentence, but still. She's in charge of... Intel, I guess? Perhaps she's working in the closet where they also put Nynaeve.

Leilwin's argument about the Seanchan is very "not all cops". To gain Egwene’s trust, she could start with recognising her role in the Seanchan culture of slavery. Her nation's wealth is built on the dehumanization of part of the population. Don't get me wrong, I feel it's a realistic depiction of someone from an oppressor class trying to make amends but it's vexing because it's the last book and very little seems to indicate even the start of a change in the Seanchan mentality.

Oh, Gawyn is absolutely going to activate the Bloodknives' rings. It's going to be horrific.

Awwww, Rand reveals himself just before leaving a battlefront to give his soldiers hope. I love that detail.

"Rand saw a gray-haired woman approaching. And behind her, a smaller figure in blue stopped and pointedly turned the other way." - that's so bloody funny after NS. Cadsuane is probably the only being Moiraine fears.

Cadsuane clocks Rand's gifts to his loved ones because he thinks he's dying. Rand pointing out he won't give her one because he doesn't care about her is PERFECT.

Oh, Cadsuane thinks there is still a chance he survives too? Intriguing.

"You have cracks in you, Rand al’Thor, but you’ll have to do.” - She's so proud of him but she's incapable of saying it.

The Asha'man are free! But, boy does it sting to realise that Rand did nothing to help them. Zilch. He just felt bad for them.

"Lan knew what it was like to be chosen, from childhood, to die [...] to be pointed toward the Blight and told he would sacrifice his life there. Rand al’Thor would probably never know how similar the two of them were" - Oh YEAH. I like that. It would have been nice to see any of that acknowledged earlier through a Lan POV, but you know, at least it's there. Still, we get it now, after the narrative hits us countless times with how important Tam has been to Rand in shaping him. The point is that Rand ultimately isn't like Lan because he had Tam (and Min and Nyn and Lan and Mo), which is very bittersweet for Lan. To say nothing of the fact his quest for hardness instigated by Lan almost broke Rand, and the world with it. Rand, thankfully, is not his mentors.

We're getting so many horsegirl Lan moments. I love it.

Hello lord Baldhere, fellow queer.

Okay, where is this going with Agelmar? They ARE all tired. Agelmar is right. As long as they are together to shoulder the burden, it's all good.

Does Nynaeve get something to do at some point or is she going to be as underutilized as Siuan? This is getting ridiculous.

Cairhien is defenseless and full of refugees? jfc The great generals are making mistakes left and right.

I am in love with the image of the tempest eroding the cities and mountains in TAR. It's so poetic.

Yesssss, the cracks into nothingness are a result of excessive balefire. I was waiting for this to happen! Consequences! I love them.

Egwene's goodbye to the WO was sweet, although it makes me afraid some of them won't make it.

"You are Galad’s brother?” - There's no drama like Damodred-Trakand family drama. Rand's insistence that he's NOT related to Elayne is quite awkward.

The ribbon for Egwene is v moving. I adore their relationship, with all its tension and incomprehension. It's a realistic depiction of friendship put through the grinder of responsibility and adulthood. It's tragic but sweet.

OH MY GOD THE SEALS ARE FAKE! NOT THIS LATE IN THE BOOKS

"You’d be real funny without any fingers,” Mat growled. - Mat is such a jerk to servants. But that's also an excellent threat to use against men who can't keep their hands to themselves

Mat being fitted for new Seanchan garbs is giving me major NS vibes.

Light the fact that Mat has no issues being married to someone who now OWNS Ebou Dar... It's character assassination at this point.

"If I’m going to look ridiculous, I might as well do it with style." - I hate it because he still has such zingers.

Still not tired of the fight on the AS front. I enjoy the way Sanderson writes magic battles more than non magic battles.

"It was the middle of the Last Battle, and the woman still took time each morning to do her face." - and she's right to do so. It's called "dress to kill." I love Leane and Egwene is better than such patriarchal nonsense.

Oh my gooooooooood the Sharan attack on the AS camp? Romanda being burnt on the spot? SIUAN? Yukiri? Leane? NO! They came out of NOWHERE. This is catastrophic, bloody hell.

So Thakan'dar is... Mordor?

"Better that one people should end than the world fall completely under Shadow." - Avi is probably the most selfless among the main-adjacent characters, but still so angry about what this sacrifice means for her people.

Ituralde cementing himself as the best general by asking the right question: Rand killing the DO could take days, weeks even, not just a few hours. Also I don't know why it made me giggle to imagine them all spying on the forges like that.

Honestly, Avi's development as an Aiel able to see the strength of wetlanders and the fact they may not all be foolish is very satisfying. She’s so much more open-minded. I would love for her to take on a more ambassador-like role after Tarmon Gai'don, not just a WO.

"You would have the Seanchan join Egwene’s battlefront?” Moiraine asked, aghast. “Is that wise?” - SCREW THIS as with Mat, the level of violence that Rand is enacting on channelers by forcing them to work with the Seanchan is mind-boggling.

Siuan POV! Thank the Light Yukiri and Siuan escaped. And a contingent of AS and soldiers! Please tell me Siuan is now getting an intrigue as the new interim leader who regains some of the respect she lost during the schism from the AS?

Blood and ashes, now Siuan's hiding her despair at the number of AS lost by claiming they were treating her badly anyway. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She's still the Amyrlin at heart.

Siuan's faith in Egwene is killing me.

"The Black Tower men claimed that only a few of their number had joined the Shadow, and that the channeling had been the result of an attack by the Black Ajah." - oh I love this, the BT is as skilled at obfuscating their mistakes as the WT.

The whole thing with Lyrelle coming full of prejudices and contempt is nice. She's a bit the butt of the joke here, but it's important for the Asha'man to get this moment of assertion and empowerement. I hope they get to confront Rand too.

"Well, men have a choice in their fate, and weapons do not. Here are your men, Aes Sedai. Respect them.” - I LOVE that. Now, release the AS you force-bonded.

Also, Pevara is in love ? Moiraine and Lan were really the exception, uh?

"The Black Tower has learned to survive without him. Light! It always survived without him." - Rand as the absent father who abandoned his children while Logain becomes the BT’s father and paid the price is honestly a phenomenal choice.

Re: the Sharan, I'm very confused about the book introducing this late a completely different culture with its own channeling prejudice.

Leane is alive! MY GAL. Also will be used as a messenger. Don't hurt her.

Bao is Demandred, right?

Yep

Gaul and Perrin hunting Slayer in TAR and finding Graendal... It's entertaining ngl? I like it better than the endless fighting and there's always the mystery of wth the Forsaken are planning.

And wth is Graendal planning with Bashere?

I hope the show radically changes how TAR behaves because the flying and fighting could look so silly on-screen. The show has done so well so far with the magic.

Lanfear is far more interesting now that she hates LTT.

Ituralde was right. The Bore distorts time. The people in Shayol Ghul could spend hours there while weeks pass outside.

As shocking as the Sharan invasion is, like the Seals, it feels like last minute plots introduced not to reach TLB yet.

Well, it didn't take long for Gawyn to be stupid and to wear the Rings. And he did that for scouting?

The detail of Egwene using her Two Rivers tracking skills and removing her shoes to sneak out of the Sharan camp is PERFECT. Her roots!

"My authority is not drawn from my power to channel, she told herself. My strength is in control, understanding, and care. I will escape this camp, and I will continue the fight." - this reminds me of what Mo told her in the show about power.

Egwene is so used to keeping AS calm that she cannot alert Gawyn through the bond so she resorts to remembering the most traumatic event of her life, her captivity with the Seanchan. I NEED the show to adress sooner the depth of her trauma.

"Egwene had been younger then, but no more powerless than she was now. It would happen again. She would be nothing. She would have her very self stripped away. She would rather be dead. Oh, Light! Why couldn’t she have died?" - this part… Egwene was 17 when the Seanchan took her and she spent 2 months in captivity being tortured, used as a weapon and dehumanized. Her time prior to the Waste is ROUGH and even after she learns to control herself, she's haunted, often panicking when she fears losing autonomy. A lot of Egwene's actions can be understood as her not receiving any help from authority figures, the Tower, her mentors, her friends after hugely traumatic events and stepping into that role of protector, of Mother, for herself and others.

Leilwin saved Egwene from the Sharan! I actually really like that. Also I like even more that this didn't turn into another captivity arc. The next character getting captured will be tossed into the Bore.

Avi leading the assault around Shayol Ghul is nice. There's not enough female generals in these books.

"A woman in blue, small of stature but not of will." - you're right Avi, Moiraine is a giant in will. Also, Smolraine my love

Rand walking into Shayol Ghul with Laman's sword is a choice that I love for Moiraine-related reasons. Also wearing a replica of the coat Moiraine had had made for him and a Two Rivers shirt. These are really nice details showing his growth and the influence of his two first and final mentors.

"Fortuona represented order, and she had married chaos himself. What had she been thinking?" - you made your bed, now lie in it and perish

I take great pleasure in watching Mat insult the Blood at every opportunity.

So peach blossoms are an omen?

"Fortuona could swoop in and all of those damane would be hers. Hundreds upon hundreds. With that force, she could crush the resistance to her rule back in Seanchan." - Not only trusting Tuon is immoral but it is also stupid. Well done Rand.

I don't have much to say about Elayne's front. Things are bad, like in the North. She still insists on joining the fight and it's pretty static, so I guess it's a matter of time before she does something reckless.

"Yes, he was going to lose. But with these resources, he’d do it with style." - Ituralde is like an older more Seanchan-hating Mat and I love him. And Ituralde respects Sea Folk, which is a rarity among the characters.

Oh good, Ituralde has nightmares about Maradon, that doesn't make me even more distraught about what happened there.

"The longer you fought, the more you saw the enemy as being like yourself." - I keep saying this but he's my fav general.

The way Sanderson writes battle scenes and which ones work or don't for me remind me of John Rogers' advice on writing action scenes: "Don't write action sequences. Write suspense sequences that require action to resolve."

“Light. It was good to see Egwene’s face." - do not hit me with Siuan and Egwene feelings now. She cares so much.

Doubting Egwene is really Egwene, Siuan asks Egwene where they first met and Eggy recollects Siuan LIFTING her from the ground.

"You bound me with Air on our trip down the river from there, as part of a lesson in the Power I have never forgotten.” - both Eggy and Siuan were powerless prisoners denied empathy because their existence was a transgression and this rocks.

I bloody hope Egwene doesn't trust the Seanchan: even if Tuon gave her word, and for Mat only too, you bet Galgan and others haven't.

Interrupting Rand's fight with Moridin to switch to Lan's POV ? Really? Really!?!

It's very important for people to understand that everytime a character gets into an overly detailed description of troops' movement my brain pictures more or less this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2F&source_ve_path=MzY4NDIsMjg2NjQsMTY0NTAz&feature=emb_share&v=oskCypnfoA8

Light, the mistakes being made on the battlefield left and right. What is this mess?

I feel so bad for Ituralde who's been at this for months.

Is Perrin seing the Finn in TAR near Shayol Ghul? What are they doing here? Following Moiraine?

Uh, that is now the second time TAR is now used to make people brain-dead and uh. I don't like this.

Perrin is using the Dreamspike to keep people from using Gateways near Shayol Ghul? But wasn't that already impossible so close to the Bore?

So... A few minute inside the cavern is HOURS just outside. Rand is going to come out and he'll have grandchildren.

This Gaul/Perrin outing is rather fun tbh.

I was not expecting a Tuon and Egwene confrontation but here we go.

"The Seanchan damane were not free women; they could not choose to fight. From what she’d seen of the Sharan male channelers, they were little more than animals themselves." - Interesting distinction, and poverty also pushes people to the army.

"it would be better if I see you not as marath’damane, but as a queen among the people of this land.” “No,” Egwene said. “You will see me for what I am, woman. I demand it." - oh, we WILL discuss how queer and militant Eggy is written at some point.

"So long as I am free from your collars, I prove to every man and woman who draws breath that you are a liar.” - Her very existence is a transgression, a proof of the Empire's lies. Light, I love Egwene.

Mat's little wave to Egwene was so cute.

Egwene taunting Tuon with Mat's ta'veren pull was funny but I maintain that Tuon is ta'veren herself.

"Be more specific,” Egwene said. “Tell me with your own voice, woman." - why the hell didn't she choose Blue? She reminds me so much of Moiraine and Siuan.

Bloody hell, the Seanchan got the Sea Folk on Tremalking as well. I want to scream. The Sea Folk were slaughtered in Ebou Dar for resisting.

Tuon also wants to send missionaries in Tar Valon like the proper coloniser she is. Classic.

Egwene is doing such a better job than Rand at handling the Seanchan. She's actually renegotiating his terms and getting people released.

This is also why Rand's attitude toward Egwene is so perplexing: the AS are powerful tools, particularly for negotiation, use them!

"Do you realize that every one of your sul’dam, your precious trainers, is herself a marath’damane?" - I was waiting for her to deliver that blow and she did! Such an incredible showdown. Egwene is a skilled, passionate orator.

How very Mat to treat this again as a both-sides issue. It is nice that he did step up to protect Egwene from Tuon, who had openly threatened to enslave and break Egwene personally not 5 minutes ago.

Tskk, Bashere isn't a DF: he's been manipulated by Graendal, you fools! All of this could have been avoided if they'd left a sizeable army in Cairhien or evacuated the city.

Siuan has an angreal as well, not a strong one, but she uses it to help! MY STRONG GAL

"Did she think he’d let a woman forget her oath? It didn’t matter to him whose company she kept. An oath was an oath." - I am sorry Bryne is creepy and his relationship with women is why it doesn't surprise me Gawyn sees him as a father figure.

And now Min will meet Tuon as a messenger because that woman is more skeleton key than character.

I was bracing myself for Min's inevitable repugnant and somewhat favorable views on Seanchan and lo and behold.

With Min speaking of her visions within earshot of Tuon and Tuon snatching her, it strongly suggests that Tuon is ta'veren, right? She is a descendant of Hawkwing after all and was able to resist Rand's ta'veren pull.

Here's the the thing: Agelmar being manipulated is good drama but the chess move upon chess move upon chess move are getting repetitive.

Loial growing roots from the ground in battle with singing is just a fantastic image.

So Min should stay with Tuon to advise her and nudge her in the right direction. If she can do that without becoming like Mat, good.

Bryne also made several mistakes: Graendaaaaaaaaal!

"You are a soldier!” Lan bellowed. “Act like one!” - character development for the ages.

If Tenobia dies, what does it mean for Faile in the succession line?

Poor Agelmar though. It's a harrowing ending for him. All the great generals made puppets in their armies’ slaughter.

It was only a matter of time before Mat became the true leader of the armies, so Tuon's move to name him their Seanchan general was expected. And given what's happening with the other generals, he’ll replace Elayne soon.

"Mat had tried to make her say she saw a hat floating around Mat’s head. That would persuade Tuon to stop trying to get rid of his, would it not ?" - okay, I laughed.

“With that, thousands of bottoms hit their saddles, producing a slapping sound that reverberated across the legion, and each soldier sat at attention, eyes straight ahead" - ass cheeks clapping like a Seanchan legion does have a ring to it.

Min, Mat, Rand... They spend more time admitting that the Seanchan are organized and train well than condemning their atrocities. It's so bizarre.

Mat took a damane prisoner. I'm just... I want to cry. They are killing my boy.

Not really fond of the way that the great generals were all ousted by random men rather than Egwene (shrewd politician with expertise in Dreams), Siuan (an actual spymaster and Bryne's partner) or Elayne (the armies' leader trained in the Game of Houses).

Elyas is in the Wolf Dream!

Also five days since Rand walked into Shayol Ghul... Hello, this is long. I want them to come out and it's been 3 years.

Yay, for Perrin figuring out what happened to the generals on his own even if it's too late!

"Nynaeve closed her eyes. Moiraine stared straight ahead as if determined not to look away, no matter the price." - I don't know who's braver for it. I love them.

Rand's POV are too short! Obviously it's bc of the Bore but it's frustrating!

"We sent ourselves,” Logain said." - nothing more satisfying than seeing a character I suspected could become legendary live up to their potential. I am so proud of him.

Of course, Androl is the miracle with his impossibly large gateways.

Elayne's wonder at the full circle is bittersweet: Aes Sedai, Asha'man, we're here at last and it's glorious! But also it's a reminder of how binary the magic system is. It's still so exciting and gratifying as a symbol of healing!

"How do you handle so much of the One Power? How do you keep it from consuming you alive, burning you away?” - between that and what Androl did when he tapped into Pevara's power, it's probably a good thing he isn't more powerful bc he has issues

"Three thousand years ago the Lord Dragon created Dragonmount to hide his shame. His rage still burns hot. Today… I bring it to you, Your Majesty.” - the gateway straight into the heart of Dragonmount is the most badass feat of channeling.

"One miracle, my Lord,” Androl said, voice soft, as if strained. “Delivered as requested. That should hold them back for a few hours. Long enough?” - he's the Avi of the Asha'man, so wholesome.

Uno survived the attack by stripping to swim in the river! I love his weird little experience.

Min answering “Oh. Yes. I suppose you have" to Eggy because she forgot about her captivity with the Seanchan is so callous. This, plus her attitude towards Siuan during FoH, her dismissal of Birgitte after the poly-bonding and Rand in the context of the polycule? Nope. Don't like. Past a certain point, her IDGAF attitude becomes jerkiness, like Mat.

Ituralde's disoriented POV! That was missing in this corruption arc. And he exited dragged away by wolves!

Egwene reflects on Mat treating her like a painting but always saving her, and concludes that of course she trusts him: it's a real, moving moment showing they still care deeply about who they were, but most importantly who they became.

"People who started to drown didn’t yell, or sputter, or call for help. They just slipped under the water, when everything seemed fine and peaceful. Unless Mat was watching." - that gets me okay. He looks after his friends.

"So which was this? Was she drowning or not?" - I love how much Sanderson is embracing Egwene's trauma and how it affects her ability to assess the risks she's taking. She has been drowning for a while and no one has noticed.

"It was better than her fighting for the Shadow, wasn’t it?" - Mat will not even remain in my top ten if this goes on. The argument that people enslaved are somehow saved from a worse fate is a white-supremacist one.

Demandred with his orientalist cosplay and raving about the Dragon is starting to feel like the most ridiculous of the Forsaken. He's a formidable enemy but he's the most buffoonish of the Forsaken by miles.

Tuon uses Min's visions exactly like Elayne, believing they are a protection against death, except she straight up sends people to their death.

For the twist, I hope Min is massively wrong about one prediction before the end.

"That fellow spent entirely too little time looking at women. He was shy around them, Talmanes was." - leave him be, he's gay. I will fight Sanderson because he labels random characters as gay and the gayest characters (Elayne, Avi, Talmanes) are not.

At least Min stands her ground: people should not be executed for intentions but light, is she naive about this Seanchan counselling and how she can both survive this ordeal and truly help the Seacnhan’s victims. This is way over her head. Mat, for all his foolishness, is better equipped.

How long exactly has Elayne been pregnant at this point? It feels like it's been 3 years, but logically she's 6-7 months along? The show better do away with it or shift timelines. It's not like BS is writing in-depth about motherhood anyway.

I'm no army tactician and even I could have told them that the solution was to have one front rather than 4.

Trom's uniform soaked through with blood is such good imagery. The Children of Light are dressed like Red Sisters.

Galad has such an interesting arc as a zealot starting to see nuances of grey. Both Gawyn and Galad basically entered militias, and Elayne herself is depicted as rather expansionist in these last books. Could it be Elaida's influence? Bryne’s?

Tam and Elayne are wrong: this wasn't a victory. People are not a price to pay for peace. I'm surprised that Tam thinks that, even if I do see the point in giving meaning to death. Galad's desperate protest thats it is a lie is quite moving and true to the character.

"If you knew my life,” Slayer said, “you’d howl. The hopelessness, the agony… I soon found my way. My power. In this place, I am a king.” - I do hope the show keeps evil Lan. It's important to depict why people who chose the dark did so.

Laras is managing the Tower and novices while the Aes Sedai are away! I love the way this is echoing the beginning of NS with the Aiel war. Also Faile ending up with the Horn for safekeeping is PERFECT. Full circle. She deserves to be the protector of the Horn.

"the Six-Story Slaughter and Hinderstap" - Iove that the Band has lore.

Aravine's past is too much of a secret not to be important soon. Where's Bawler when you need him?

I'm sorry Olver's uncles are giving me such strong found family feelings. I love the Band.

An attack was to be expected on the caravan getting the Horn but dear Light, Berisha sent them to the Blight as an escape? Faile has the worst luck.

So the red-veiled Aiels are all the male channelers the Aiel sent out to die. That's absolutely harrowing actually. The ostracization of their own created their own monsters. Avi understands just how much of a reckoning the Aiel have coming.

Cadsuane MVP with that heart-stopping weave. I'm surprised she could even do that since Avi was the one in danger. Sanderson seems much more lax with the third Oath.

Why are they not using the copies of Mat's medallion to protect the generals?

Setalle suspects Berisha might have sent them there with intention, good or bad. Is it even possible Berisha overshot her Gateway?

Of course Faile figures out Setalle pretty quick: she's so sharp and I love her for that. Setalle being an Aes Sedai who burnt out though… OOF

"The Horn of Valere, lost in the Blight. A nightmare." - That's ironic since it started there.

Sarene was taken by Graendal? For what? Is Graendal the one who took Alanna? Where is Alanna?

Light, the Aes Sedai are getting slaughtered.

The Blight is FUN. I love a good horror setting.

Liking this Avi/Cads combo. They're not unlike one another in their one-mindedness and it makes sense they would protect Rand against the Forsaken trying to get to SG. Although I'm surprised none showed up so far.

Not Vanin and Harnan stealing the Horn!

"I am not spending the Last Battle clinging to a rock! she thought. Not the same one the whole time, at the very least." - Nyn is as pissed as I am about Mo and her being relegated to glorified batteries.

Alanna is trapped in Shayol Ghul because of Moridin, bleeding out? WHY DID NO ONE THINK ABOUT THIS BEFORE? HE’S BONDED TO FOUR WOMEN WHO COULD ALL BE CAPTURED At least Nyn will save the day.

I LOVE the fact that Merrilor is situated at the fork of two rivers. It's perfect.

I'm also glad everyone saw reason and made Mat the commandant general at last. He's worth 100 great generals. Elayne is good at organizing people but we need the genius of a single mind.

Also, unrelated, but does Mat have memories of women? IS HE THE DOCTOR?

I love this moment between Eggy and Mat before the battle where they act like an odd mix of siblings and leaders, even if Eggy still sees him like a rambunctious little brother and he like a girl pal to protect. It’s a rare last moment of ingenuity before the end of the world that doesn’t feel naive either. They’re both changed and there is no coming back.

The Last Battle chapter gets an epigraph from Loial!

Deafening the guards with thunder to save them from Draghkars was very clever. Well done, Elayne.

"Why was his hat banded with pink ribbon, though?" - I would love for anyone to address Mat’s rape properly. This is so disturbing.

Mat is right to keep his plans to himself though. Between DF, Forsaken using compulsion and dreams, Turning, the Seanchan plotting, I would not trust anyone... right, I'm beginning to feel like Moiraine. Mat must certainly think like her now.

The joy of this part comes from characters meeting each other or working together for the first time: Setalle and Faile, Uno and Talmanes, Lan and Tam, Avi and Cads...

Demandred is still bellowing for Rand. This got old fifty pages ago.

Like Birgitte, like Moiraine, Logain’s POVs are a rarity but his mind and experience are endlessly mesmerising. He IS a bad guy, turned to the light to help, except he wouldn't have been a bad guy had people known how to handle male channelers in the first place.

"When every breath had encouraged him to find a knife and slit his own throat." - Like Owyn. The strength it took Leane, Siuan and him to go on in TFoH stupefies me, truly.

Logain is in charge of recovering the Seals from Taim feels so RIGHT.

"Was this what you wished for, his mind whispered, when you raised the banner of the Dragon? When you sought to save mankind? Did you do it to be feared? Hated?" - his role as false Dragon is so interesting: how was he different from Rand? But in the end he is leading the male channelers to battle and facing the Dark One’s armies.

Logain realizing he cannot be sure of Gabrelle: buddy, you captured and force-bonded her. Did you really think she would not do anything to survive?

Tam POV! Why are we getting so many random men's POV? I like Tam but come on, this is a lot of the same types of character.

Pevara and Androl remain very cute, okay? I love their banter and fun things are happening magic-wise with them. That double bond could lead to an abolition to the binary magic system and I am here for it.

Coincidentally, Mat and Talmanes have a secret language of their own. Band lore, again.

I love the carrier raken system set up. It's so dramatic but effective.

HOLY MACKEREL the opening credits of the show are actually a depiction of what Rand's mind conjures when he tries to picture the Pattern during his fight with the DO?!?

Rand's first vision is basically how Isam and the people in Thakan'dar live currently.

Dreadlord Nyn would be terrifying and so twisted. I do love that even in this dark reality Moiraine is enough of an outcast to be executed.

Of course, Gawyn heads up straight toward Demandred without telling Egwene or anyone. In a way, the devolution is pertinent: he promised to obey Egwene, but the call for heroic sacrifice is too great. Toxic masculinity will kill him. It’s well done.

"Siuan nodded, approval—even pride—in her expression. Egwene was Amyrlin; she had no need of either emotion from Siuan, and yet it lifted a little of her grinding fatigue." - have I mentionned I love them with all my heart? Truly prime duo.

And another Rand/Egwene parallel: Moiraine "found" them both in the Two Rivers. In their search for the DR, Siuan and Moiraine also found the one who would break and save the White Tower and guide them to the Last Battle.

"And if a woman were to wish for a legacy, she could not dream of greater than one such as you. Thank you." - okay, now I'm crying. Siuan went from losing everything, her name despised, to finding the greatest legacy in Egwene. Egwene is Siuan’s.

I'm glad Egwene sent Siuan to do what she does best for once, finding spies, studying people.

I really hope the show embraces their relationship with all its thorns and fondness because it's a fantastic mentor/student one between women.

Demandred is so obsessed with Rand he cannot conceive anyone but Rand leading this assault: it seems such a preposterous blind spot for someone supposedly clever.

Faile plans to sneak into the supply station and use the enemy's Gateway? Hell yes! She's so smart.

So Perrin is recovering in Berelain's palace with Uno. That's such a delightful combination. And Luhann saved him!

Right... Perrin left Gaul in the Wolf Dream, didn't kill Slayer and didn't stop the generals save maybe Ituralde...

The Asha'man and AS still have so many prejudices. It'll take some time after TLB before they truly understand each other.

"I’m trying to read that thought,” Pevara said. “Did you just… compare me to an old strap of leather?” - Androl, gilf lover. They are Adorable together.

I am still wondering what the hell their story does in this book but I like them.

If Androl and Pevara are the ones to find the Seals, I'll be okay with that. Their plan is so goofy, fooling around with mirrors of mist in the enemy camp. At least they are together and none of them is pretending to be a Forsaken.

Graendal took Rhuarc? What is going on with the Forsaken who are not Demandred? Where's Moghedien? Cyndane? There are too many threads flying around.

Seanchan is still part of Rand's utopia? I get it, he wants them to be part of tomorrow's world, and not all of them were slavers, but still, it's so tone-deaf because as they are, they slaughtered, enslaved and dispossessed countless people.

Awwww Perrin's granddaughter, the Ogier, the school! Rand's dreams about building a better world are so HIM.

Silviana was prepared to take on Gawyn's bond?! Egwene's inspires such devotion, it's a bit dizzying.

"It’s like a hole inside of me, Elayne. A deep, gaping hole. Bleeding out my life and memories.” - Birgitte's fate is so absolutely heartbreaking. Her despair is hitting hard as well because she’s been so strong.

Giving the medaillon to the WC IS unwise, but who cares about the after? No one.

Mat running away with Tuon is not the same as dismantling the Seanchan Empire. That's only letting another Empress take her place.

Oh bloody hell, Siuan's saved Min by stopping the heart of a Sharan channeler! That was hot.

And of course now she runs into a burning building to save Mat like her uncle Huan did for strangers. ... Siuan... no I knew it was going to happen but Light that was sudden. It's a blink and you'll miss it moment.

I also hate deaths caused by the idiot ball. RJ's Siuan would not have made such a gamble; only Siuan "dumbass energy granted by BS" Sedai would. This accomplishes nothing. It's a pointless "she should have listened to Min" moment.

"how could affection thrive beside the burning passion that was his hatred for Lews Therin? " - gay. that's so gay. The Forsaken are just a bunch of raging queers.

This diffraction of POV is grating. Too many short POVs succeeding.

"The man would hold back and deliberate, worrying over his decisions, until boiling forward in a reckless military action." - accurate, but that was Lews Therin, this is Rand.

I say the thing about POV and my guy Juilin turns up. Go Juilin!

The WC used to butcher AS's corpses and cut them into pieces for fear they would rise again like vampires? I did not need that information. Scalding take: the AS were never respected; they were feared because they were not considered human.

Did Pevara need to out Emarin in the middle of a break-in?

Galad carrying his brother's body, hoping to save him, thinking that Elayne hadn't loved him. You know what, Gawyn was a fool and the tragedy is that he reverted back to his childish self

and it costs him is life.

Oh fuck, Egwene losing the bond is rough. She's absolutely drowning now.

Tam as it all started, fighting.

I'm confused, wasn't the threat that the DO would break the wheel and end everything? When did it become a tyrant robbing people of their morality?

"Ride out there and die for really no purpose? Or come try to keep me alive for your Empress." - Mat is Moiraining Karede into not wasting his life. How fitting. He did start seeing people as tools too. Nyn is the only one left who don’t.

"I had long wondered,” Lan said to Tam. “About the man who had given Rand that heron-marked blade. I wondered if he had truly earned it. Now I know.” - That was cute.

"Siuan.… Siuan had always been so strong." - Strongest person Eggy knew.

Thank the Light Birgitte is here because Elayne still has 0 sense of self-preservation.

I adore the idea of Galad facing Demandred! The irony of Demandred dying by Rand's brother blade, unable to channel at him!

Oooooooh Loving Nyn healing Alanna with needles and herbs because Rand is leading the circle. Moiraine is just chilling apparently?

(what if Moiraine felt Siuan die and is in shock? I know it's not that but listen...)

Bashere and Deira were this close to invite Mat to a threesome because he yelled at them.

"Only they would probably hear it all the way up in the Blight, too." - That's funny because the Horn is currently in the Blight!

Loial! I'm still so gutted that the Ogiers of all people had to turn into beasts hacking at Trollocs for TG. There are other ways.

Aww Teslyn and Mat reunion on the battlefield! Why does Mat have so many wholesome relationships with women?

"Egwene al’Vere can grieve,” Egwene said, standing up. “Egwene al’Vere lost a man she loved, and she felt him die through a bond. The Amyrlin has sympathy for Egwene al’Vere, as she would have sympathy for Egwene al’Vere, as she would have sympathy for any Aes Sedai dealing with such loss. And then, in the face of the Last Battle, the Amyrlin would expect that woman to pick herself up and return to the fight." - That hurts. And the echoes with Rand and LTT!

"I forget how young she is.” - she is so bloody young. 19? 20?

Egwene bonded Leilwin!?! EGWENE MY GOD STOP FOR A SECOND YOU CANT SOLDIER ON THROUGH A TRAUMATIC EVENT BY RETRAUMATISING YOURSELF

The Androl disguise used by Taim on Androl to kill Logain is a bit silly, but I'm okay with Pevara and Androl taking on the Wondergirls and Mat-Thom mantle of shenanigans. The rule of cool prevails.

"Together, their forces moved upriver in the night, leaving behind the fighting Andorans, Cairhienin and Aiel. Creator shelter you, friends, Arganda thought." - Rand, with Moiraine's help, really did it. He united all nations in this fight.

WHY are we even getting an Arganda POV here? We are drowning in men POV.

"You surrender when you’re dead. Many a man has been given less.” - Not NS feelings. Look, we're not getting a Lan/Moiraine convo, so I'm taking what I can.

Here for Rand's utopia turning into a nightmare where people's agency is removed. The S1 finale is also echoing SO MUCH of the Last Battle. It's so satisfying. Mat wondering who's setting Sharans on fire. Probably Eggy and Vora's ter'angreal.

Aravine?! A former DF? Who tried to escape?!? And fell back to the shadows?? SO MUCH IS HAPPENING

Olver stabbed the channeler?!? I wasn't expecting to like Olver as much as I do but Mat's son is such a brave little guy.

Leane fighting! I agree it's so satisfying to see how strong and united the Aes Sedai are now after fumbling for so long.

Egwene came through and is unleashing Hell on taim and his channelers!

Talmanes is in a cave rebuilding dragons with Aludra? So many chess pieces around.

Bela is the MVPest of them all.

HARNAN AND VANIN WERE TRYING TO STEAL MAT'S TABAC JUSTICE IS SERVED

Faile killed Aravine and gave the Horn to Olver! And is using herself as a decoy?!? Light, I love her, she's so quick.

Love Logains's thoughts on vengeance and how empty it is for him now: he is arguably at the height of his glory, leading the Asha'man into TLB. What could revenge bring him?

Logain Ablar, keeper of the Seals by interim. I like the sound of that.

"Egwene led an assault the likes of which had not been seen in millennia." - I'm so proud of and so afraid for her. I get why she chose the Green now. She has the heart of Aiel, she's justice on the battlefield itself.

Light, Egwene is facing Taim now, a newly raised Forsaken. This leadership triangle between Taim, Logain and Egwene, where Eggy and Logain swapped roles, is delicious.

Eggy is so sharp for redirecting lightning with iron rods like that.

A little bit of closure for Ila and Raen! Also we get insight into the Tuatha'an in relation to the Aiel: if the Aiel are struggling to envision a future with the the Dragon's Peace, what of the Tuatha'an in the middle of all-out war?

Bela died! Olver has the Horn! Is this rugby?

Major kudos for allowing Egwene to be this angry and unhinged on the battlefield. I've said it before but she has a rather masculine arc, despite being depicted as very feminine. I love that.

Hurin is also fighting for Rand!

Light, Berelain has a good head on her shoulders because I would be overwhelmed in her place.

Galad lost a hand like Rand! This truly is the chapter of all the payoffs and parallels.

Annoura saved him, burning herself out for a WC! It's also so loyal of her. My Berelain/Annoura shipping dreams may not be dead.

Rand is watching everyone die! Bashere! Deira! Hurin! Rand weeping for Siuan! Nonononon I don't want to cry now.

That "Aes Sedai ridgecat"? He's talking about Egwene? This is so funny. Taim cannot even contain her and needs the help of Demandred's ter'angreal to deal with her. I get such a kick out of seeing them underestimate her.

Of course, it's Mellar who kidnapped Elayne. HE BEHEADED BIRGITTE?!? And now he's trying to cut out Elayne's babies? I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM WHY

However horrific, that would have been an interesting twist to Min's vision, ngl

"OUR ACCOMMODATION IS NOTHING?" - that made me laugh. The phrasing is just peculiar.

Yesssss, give me Rand being tempted by nothingness: he has suffered so much. Nothingness would be peace for all and himself.

The way Min uncovered the spy and the compelled Seachan general was really neat. Siuan would have been proud.

The Aes Sedai falling dead because the others who had saved them had been balefired? How did the world even survive the Breaking?

Eggy bloody countered balefire?!? She's healing the effects of balefire on the land? THE FLAME OF TAR VALON

She released Leilwin just before... I'm sobbing, crushed.

Light but that description was beautiful and peaceful. She did find peace.

She took all the Sharan channelers with her. They lost half the Aes Sedai. HALF. It's too much. How is this fight still going? Don't you dare saying that Aes Sedai aren't servants of all after that.

"Not without Egwene, her Two Rivers stubbornness, her iron backbone. Not without a miracle." - YOU SAY IT MAT SHE WAS IRON.

Also, he was tasked with saving her from the AS... She saved them all.

The miracle will be Olver.

“I sure am growing tired of that man,” Mat said. - we all are. He's frankly annoying.

"He pretended that he would still write the story. There was no harm to such a little lie." - Awww, Loial. Also, it's sadly reminiscent of Jordan.

So Lan learned nothing and decided to go fight Demandred on his own, leaving his army leaderless in a suicide mission as foolish as Gawyn’s and Galad’s. What he said Tenobia shouldn't do. What Agelmar told him was selfish.

I'm glad he got his pivotal badass moment, but that's still a regression for his character?

"I am just a man,” Lan whispered. “That is all I have ever been.” - The man who as a nation.

I'm not entirely sure it's fitting as he has no real connection to Demandred and isn't an underdog, but Demandred is also such an awkward villain.

"How could a man just… let go? Wasn’t that letting go of responsibility? Or was it giving the responsibility to them?" - Rand learnt from Tam that loving people is sometimes letting them go. It's an epic about growing up and parenting truly.

"Am I not allowed to be a hero, too?" - that broke me. Rand is no longer dreaming about Iliana, no longer hearing LTT. He is hearing Egwene's voice. My sobbing had stopped at that point and it came back with a vengeance with that line.

I know the woman cast down from her throne is Morgase, but listen, it should be Siuan. She was instrumental in finding and supporting Rand and it cost her the Amyrlin Seat, her powers, her life. This is her story as much as Moiraine's.

"It was about a woman with a secret, a hope for the future. A woman who had hunted the truth before others could. A woman who had given her life, then had it returned. That woman still fought." - stunning. I love Moiraine a normal amount.

"It was about a woman who refused to believe that she could not help, could not Heal those who had been harmed." - you bet Nyn will never give up protecting and helping people. I love her so much.

The man who lost his family is Perrin, right?

"It was about a woman who would not bend her back while she was beaten, and who shone with the Light for all who watched. Including Rand." - A literal beacon of light. Her journey was glorious. I'm not even cross it ended how it did. It was a good ending.

"It was about them all." - I am fine. Such a satisfying conclusion to an ensemble saga. The Forsaken may have been there to make him give up, but there were always people fighting, sometimes alone. It all comes back to Moiraine's seminal TSR speech: "I fight for you,’ Moiraine said before Egwene could open her mouth, ‘as does Egwene.’ A look flashed between the two women. ‘People fight for you who do not know it, any more than you know them. You do not realize what it means that you force the form of the Age Lace, do you? The ripples of your actions, the ripples of your very existence, spread across the Pattern to change the weave of life-threads of which you will never be aware. The battle is far from yours alone. Yet you stand in the heart of this web in the Pattern. Should you fail, and fall, all fails and falls." - The Shadow Rising, C57 It's always been about them all.

Birgitte was not cast out the Horn and has her memories back! That's a hell of a miracle. The Heroes at last are called by Olver! I'm good with him sounding the Horn. It feels satisfying enough and Noal came back as a hero to save him.

Re: Elayne losing the bond, is this how Moiraine experienced the bond snapping though? Because between what we know of Egwene and Elayne's experiences, I dread to think what it was like to go through that while being tortured.

"But you’re still my friend. Will you ride with me?” - That was cute. I'm sad she never got to see Mat again.

Oh Light, I forgot Darkhounds existed. There is something as too many Shadowspawns at once and this is what my brain is experiencing.

Avi, Cads and Amys against Graendal? That's a showdown for the history books.

"I’d feel like I needed to bloody move to another country, [...] one where the monarchs don’t have pudding for brains.” - tbf, Elayne is young and reckless. She’ll grow out of it.

MAT USED THE PEOPLE FROM HINDERSTAP TO FIGHT! BLOODY GENIUS OF A MAN

And Grady is unleashing the river Mora on the battlefield... Good for him for making it this far.

Androl and Pevara are such chaos agents, ignoring Logain’s orders like that.

Moghy was the servant Seanchan spy! And is now disguised as Demandred. I'm listening...

Light, the gateway and dragons combo to fire securely on the enemy is a smart move. Magic is meant to be used in fun and new ways each time.

I'm glad Sanderson didn't forget how ridiculously strong Talaan and Alivia are. Alivia is also a trained soldier.

Avi killed Rhuarc under compulsion? Avi will need to process so much once this is done, she's going to need a lot of support.

Alviarin is still kicking and shooting for the Chosen seat. You do you. Rand is a trap though, I bet it's Pevara.

It is Androl! And now they are prisoners in the Stedding. I like that. It's like a kinder Bore and sets up Ogiers as guardians.

I love the image of Merrilor partially turned into a field of glass and about to shatter.

I love that Logain isn't good. He's still seeking more power, dominance. But when he's told refugees are dying... The BT has responsibilities now.

Master Luhann's pep talk to Perrin was interesting in the way it recalibrates his arc: by making it about fear of oneself rather than leadership rejection, it complements the wolf arc rather than being a stepping stone on his wolf journey.

Sometimes what people consider an AS answer makes me think none of them have ever talked to anyone. I don't know what Perrin wanted Masuri to say here.

Thom spent TLB sitting on a rock outside Shayol Ghul, composing, smoking tabac. Perfect.

"She stared at the end of the world, with grit and determination." - That's Moiraine for you.

"Rand deserved it. Moiraine, too. This would be her victory as much as it was his." - And Siuan's. It's been their fight for 20 years.

I still can't believe Moiraine and Nyn have so little to do. It's a waste of their characters. I get what they do is crucial, but like with the Cleansing, they are batteries.

I clapped at the Black sister pretending to be Cads, getting stabbed by Thom and thrown into the DF pit.

The storyteller figures - Moiraine, Loial and Thom - are fascinating in their different journeys: Thom as the storyteller who ends up writing a story; Loial as the antihero living the story to record it; Moiraine as the storyteller trapped in a story.

Poor Grady being traumatised by the rage zombies from Hinderstap.

So Fain dissolved part of himself into Shaisam and now he's something akin to Mashadar? Not weird at all.

I can't believe Mat did get to ride a to'raken.

Why is releasing the bond so easy now? Everyone does it.

Driving Slayer. Beating. Pounding... What. Perrin, that’s gay.

Okay, the last fight between Perrin and Slayer was cool. The hopping between Wolf Dream and reality was new and dynamic and eerie.

The wolves are heroes too? Okay. This is becoming a little too kitchen sink for me.

Clever, clever Avi for using the gateway to destroy Graendal because she cannot walk to escape.

Mat is Mashadar-resistant? And killed Fain. I'm cool with that. The confrontation itself was a bit underwhelming but it makes sense Mat is the one.

At least Perrin grew enough to choose Rand over Faile. Responsibilities, they are tough.

They tricked Moridin and are now controlling him? I can't believe I accidentally guessed part of the plan.

And the True Power is the key to resealing the DO! Yesssssssss that's fitting considering its exploitation started all this.

Graendal is now under compulsion and following Avi? That's a bit random. I see it's supposed to be comeuppance but it's also accidental and she won't be even aware of being punished. Like Mesaana, it's just another powerful woman depowered rather than killed.

Asha'man are treated with more respect than the AS ever were after one battle? Good that the story ends on this high for them, but it never addressed the treatment of Aes Sedai as monsters declawed by the Oaths and their dehumanization.

Logain broke the Seals as Eggy asked! What a bloody satisfying conclusion for him.

It figures that Lanfear compelled Perrin because he could not have been that naive.

Hey, I hope Perrin saying he still hates Moiraine is a bloody act.

Tepid take: breaking a woman's neck and then remarking she's beautiful? Gross. Even if it's arguably the lingering compulsion, it's a sexist dehumanizing trope.

Yes, Rand understood he could not kill the DO and resealed him. He WAS wrong.

Moiraine saving Nyn's life and pulling her out of the cave when Rand went nuclear. Feels good. Feels organic.

"You did well, Rand. You did well.” - Nope. My heart. Moiraine believed he could save the world and he did.

“I left… to save you,” Nynaeve whispered. “I only came along to protect you.” “You did, Nynaeve. You protected Rand so he could do what he had to do.” - Nyn accomplished so much but still protecting Egwene and Rand would have been enough.

"It was the Fourth Age now, wasn’t it? Could an age start in the middle of a day? That would be inconvenient for the calendars, wouldn’t it? But everyone agreed. Rand had sealed the Bore at noon." - asking the right questions here. I love Loial.

Ituralde survived! And is convinced by Yukiri to be king?

Avi, Min and Elayne are sensing Rand, that's why they're not worried. Although why they are not masking their reaction is beyond me. If Nyn is already onto them, more will be.

Aludra is rebuilding the Illuminators' guild with dragoners! That's a great way to rehabilitate soldiers.

So Moghy was taken by the Seanchan? That's quite underwhelming. The Seanchan are basically a bad women dumping ground at this point.

All things considered, Perrin had a good arc. It got lost in the middle for ages but the foundations of it are solid and the story can easily be adapted with minor tweaking, contrary to Mat's arc that got completely squandered.

Perrin finding Faile was really moving though. Also if he was able to retrieve her alive from a heap of corpses, Moiraine doing so for Siuan is entirely possible and Nyn can save her. Min can be wrong about ONE vision.

Birgitte's last gift being to spare Elayne from her increasingly belligerant path is fitting but yeah, I'm not hopeful for the future of Andor's neighbors even with the Dragon's peace. Elayne was ready to privatise the Horn as she did the Kin.

So Rand swapped body with Moridin. How disappointing. Alivia's big role in his death was... Providing him with clothes and money so he could slip away? Cads figured it out, which means Moiraine did, and Nynaeve suspects, so she will know.

I don't get why Min, Avi and Elayne showed no emotion at all during the funeral if the goal was to keep his survival a secret? It's bound to raise suspicion. Also why Rand is not sure they will follow him? Is he not planning to see his kids?

To have him reborn as a non-channeler centuries later, without insight into what the future would be, would have been better. This undermines his speech about the nature of the Wheel giving second chances: his rebirth is a freak swap accident.

And again, nothing about the trauma Rand faced during TLB. He saw his friends die and was exposed to the Pattern itself: he's completely fine. Not even affected by the True Power exposure Moridin was suffering from. It's a bit underwhelming. Big reset button agaon.

"The wind blew southward, through knotted forests, over shimmering plains and toward lands unexplored. This wind, it was not the ending. There are no endings, and never will be endings, to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was an ending." - I love beginning callbacks.

About this open ending: 1. I am okay with the Aiel's fate remaining uncertain. The ball is in their camp and I think Avi is the best leader they could hope for to transform and survive. Rhuidean showed a possibility, otherwise Moiraine would have slept with Rand.

2. Also okay with Cads as Amyrlin. They need a strong leader to rebuild so naturally they turned to the past but the AS were also changed enough by Egwene to have been set straight in their ways. The collaboration on the battlefield is proof enough of it. AS don't have a choice but to follow Egwene's path as well. Between the heavy casualties suffered during TLB, the BA executions and the sisters taken by the Seanchan and now trapped by Rand's peace, there are probably 100-200 full sisters left. The majority of their contingent is now AS in training picked up by Egwene. They have no choice to follow Eggy's path to survive. As for they alliances with the Windfinders and the WO, the same happened to them: killed, burned out or enslaved. Hundreds of Shaido WO have been lost to the Seanchan and the Shaido was the largest clan. To survive, they will have to rely on Egwene's terms. The Seanchan never agreed to let go the captured damane go if they wished as Egwene bartered either. You can be sure that the Seanchan won't forget that Egwene agreed to let missionaries into TV and across the nations. Tremalking should be free though, as Mat witnessed the agreement. But yeah, the Seanchan are now a threat channelers will have to contend with. So I assume that Cadsuane, who doesn't want to be Amyrlin and has never followed any of the rules, will fuck off as soon and fulfill her obligations as little as possible. Perhaps the Amyrlin Seat itself will disappear for a more horizontal structure?

3. Could it be that the girls seem not to care about Rand because he's not ta'veren anymore? They aren't pulled to him and thus truly have a choice in not following this new Rand on adventures while they have duties here. They grew to like each other, but Rand was ta'veren. So now they can re-learn to love him if they wish? It’s such a bizarre ending. It doesn’t make sense for them not to at least fake their reaction to protect him.

On the book overall: This book will definitely get merged with ToM because technically it was only battles. I agree with the criticism that Sanderson got lost in the battle scenes and prioritised unnecessary POVs to the detriment of established characters in need of resolution, like Moiraine or Nynaeve. Certain arcs get an unfitting and abrupt conclusion like Lan’s and Siuan’s, Lan randomly surviving and Siuan randomly dying. Elayne’s arc is also underwelming because she’s commander general when it doesn’t really make sense and gets replaced by Mat halfway anyway. I disagree with the criticism that Androl was unnecessary though because it was a solution to the Black Tower Jordan problem that should have been dealt with much earlier. The fact that Lan, Moiraine and Siuan didn’t meet again after literally starting this quest 20 years ago is a sham. The Seanchan though… Their fate is so timid considering how big of a threat they are? It’s implied that maybe Min could nudge Tuon in the right direction, with Mat’s help, but Tuon isn’t the Empire and what of the previously captured channelers, conquered lands, massacred Athan’an Miere. Structurally, it does feel like edited notes with a blend of important resolution scenes and BIG BATTLES, so it may be my least favourite of the Sanderson books?

I still enjoyed it, with major caveats regarding certain arcs. It was a feat to finish the saga considering the amount of stuff to conclude. I’m still a little overwhelmed by the book, days after finishing it, so it clearly did something right. If anything I have more elements to discuss for ages.

#the wheel of time #wot book spoilers #wot first timer #a memory of light #wot book review #wot book journey #this is rough and obscenely long yet incomplete #this is the longest saga I have ever read in english entirely #I'm a little proud #remblai

24 notes · View notes

volfoss · 9 months ago

Text

the big and long miss yucky restoration post, part 1:

early february, i got a very damaged (what i thought was) ddh-10 (dollfie dream head, model 10) head from yahoo japan auctions. i had never seen a doll with such damage EVER and even though i hoped someone else may buy her (i did not want to pay the shipping fees), i ended up buying her. for your viewing pleasure, images of miss yucky at the start of this with explanations of what exactly is the damage (or what i thought the damage was at the time)

[ID: Four images of a severely damaged doll head.

The first image is of the head facing straight forward. Her face is very unevenly colored. She has small patches of a darker and more yellow vinyl tone showing on her face, from the paler paint cracking away. Her face is very simple, with big eyes that have cartoonish eyelashes and a small smiling mouth. Noteably, her nose is barely there. She has many spots of dirt on her forehead. Her eyes are dark blue and round, with unsmoothed white clay above the iris.

The second image is inside the doll's head, showing the eyes being held in with hot glue, gray clay, and blue sticky putty. Her headcap is set to the side and the true more yellow vinyl color is visible on the rim of the head that is open.

The third image is her head at an angle that better shows the eyes. The eyes themselves have a weird bumpy texture on them and her face looks very shiny from this angle.

The fourth image is her head in profile, showing that her nose has been almost completely removed. The discoloration is more visible in this photo than the first, with patches of bright white along the head seam right beside dark patches where the paint appears to have been scratched away. In this picture, it is most clear where the headcap has been replaced from the original, as there is a lower seam running around her head, with the headcap being much smaller than it should be. /end ID]

Hopefully her nickname makes more sense now lol. More elaboration on the issues and her process to looking a lot better under the cut, because it is long :)

As for the issues, I assumed it was either a sealant issue or just something mysteriously wrong that was causing the sheen (once I got her in the mail, I began to assume that it was all the plasticizer leaking out of her head, leaving it rock hard). Plasticizer is what keeps vinyl (which is what her head is made of) squishy, and when it leaks out, it leaves a sticky residue on the vinyl, a lot of sheen to it, and most importantly, when it is all leaked out, it leaves the head hard. Her head was as hard of a rock (or as hard as my resin dolls) and that was the only thing that made sense. It couldn't be age, as at the time, I believed she was a DDH-10, which had only begun production around 2016 (and most of the heads that had hardened over age were at least 5-10 years older than that).

Her eyes were stuck in in some mysterious way. The white on the top being not smooth threw me off, as I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be clay or just something to stick the eyes in. I hadn't really seen white sticky putty used on eyes super often but it is something that was used. The other obvious issue is the modding. At the time, I fully believed she was a DDH-10, so was shocked at all the modding that had been done to her. Her eyes had been widened, nose completely sanded away, chin seemingly sanded a bit, and her head cap was from (what i thought was) a different company. We will return to the true ID of miss yucky shortly.

Once I got her, I became aware of a few more issues:

She was INCREDIBLY sticky when I touched her face. This is not normal with vinyl dolls, and I could really only pray it was a sealant issue (as the most popular sealant in the BJD hobby, MSC, can seal glossy if it's used improperly (I've had the same issue when spraying it too close to the face or in too cold of weather)). The shininess was far worse in person as well.

The aforementioned head as hard as a rock. For people unfamiliar with vinyl heads, this specific type of doll has a headcap (which is the thing that you can kind of see is ill fitting in the original photos) that you are supposed to be able to squeeze the head to remove. These kinds of heads are VERY squishy. For example, my other vinyl doll, Beatrix, has a head so soft that I can easily remove the headcap with little effort (it's about the squishy levels of a Monster High head if that helps). At this point, I was very worried I would be completely unable to remove her headcap. But since the listing photos had had it removed, I was moderately hopeful

Her eyes were in odder shape than I thought. Prior to getting her, i had assumed her eyes were the ones you see in an average stuffed animal, just simple ones you sew in. With her modded eyes, it was pretty clear that she would need some kind of custom eyes, so this had made sense to me, that someone would have gotten those eyes and popped some clay around them. But upon getting her, I saw that they were custom eyes that were usually made for these kind of anime BJDs (term used loosely but most vinyl bjds like this have stylings closer to anime artstyles rather than the realistic ones that resin bjds have) and had some weird residue on them.

Her eyewells (the bit of vinyl between her eye and eyeball, where your waterline would be if she was a human) were much deeper than expected, which was why her eyes looked so deep and far back. Most of my resin dolls have similar issues due to that being how the company sculpts them so I wasn't too worried about that as much as I probably should have been lol

[ID: Two pictures of the same doll head.

The first picture is from an upwards angle and shows that she has a somewhat thick line of vinyl between her bottom eyelashes and her eyeball itself. She is being held by a pale hand and the photo is under harsh lighting.

The second picture is facing from the front and is being held by a pale hand. She is noteably very shiny and is about the size of the person's palm. /end ID]

You can see here the way the vinyl is thicker under the eye than it should have been in this case. The second picture is there because she was MUCH bigger than I anticipated, about the same size as Beatrix's head. Quick explanation on why this is odd: The DDH-10 sculpt is meant for 1/4 or MDD scale bodies (BJDs have different scales, all compared to the human body. 1/4 scale dolls are less than 2 ft tall, or on average, 45 cm tall. MDD is the type of body that the company that produces the DDH-10 that is made for the 1/4 scale), but the DDH-03 (the head model Beatrix has) is meant for 1/3 scale (on average around 60 cm or around 2 ft). Everywhere online had said that 10 head model was smaller but I didn't think much of it at the time.

The day that she had arrived, I had made a post on a big BJD forum, as a sort of project journal as I worked on her. The members were IMMENSELY helpful and the hunt for her true identity had begun. A few members were convinced she wasn't a DDH-10, but to me, I really was convinced she was, as she had been listed as such, had arrived in a box for that head type, and the way that she could have been modified made a lot of sense to me with that sculpt. This was not the case, as she ended up getting id'd as an Obitsu 60 cm girl head. I'm including this for a reason (and not just because I wanted to do a big post writing up the specifics of my journey fixing her)

[ID: A blank doll head. It has the same smile and nose of the doll head shown in the photos prior, but noteably does not have any eyeholes carved in. Her vinyl color is much warmer and closer to a typical peachy tone than the very pale paint covering the prior shown doll head. /end ID]

This photo is taken from an old Mandarake listing, as one of the forum members had linked me to it. The most noteable thing here, is that unlike the head I have, the eyes are meant to be painted on (much like a Monster High head). Which means the customizer before me had hand carved these eyes (and somehow got them as even as they did). Other good news with this- the body I wanted to put her on was an Obitsu body, so somehow, they matched perfectly (each vinyl BJD company has different skintones, so I was not expecting that much of luck).

Her ID aside, let's dive into the restoration! I had to give a bit of backstory before we got into the good stuff lol

First step was getting her headcap off, as I wanted to remove her eyes before cleaning her face, just to not cause more damage to them than what had already happened to them (at this point, I did not know why the eyes looked like that). Thankfully, a hair dryer was able to heat the headcap and get it loose enough that I could pop the headcap off and get my first look inside her head.

[ID: A closeup of the inside of the doll head. There are thick globs of hot glue holding the gray clay in, a mysterious clear shape that is the back of the eye, and blue sticky tack holding it all up. /end ID]

Getting a better look at it, I just decided to dive in and start prying the hot glue off. Once I did that, it revealed that the gray clay was in fact Apoxie Sculpt (which dries VERY hard when its cured all the way. This was the worst case scenario, as I did not want to deal with removing that) and that one of the eyes came out all the way.

[ID: A closeup of the doll eye out of the head. It is surrounded by white clay on the top, with some of the Apoxie sculpt on the top. Above the doll eye, there is a piece of Apoxie sculpt that has browned and has some of the blue sticky tack on top. Two pieces of the hot glue are below the eye and the head is off to the side. /end ID]

I was SO relieved to see it was coming out, but the other eye did not come out as easily sadly. There was still a big chunk of clay that was presumably used to hold the eye in. I have no idea why the eye mechanism was like this at all to be honest. That clay was NOT coming out at all, so I moved to get her cleaned up.

At this point, I had noticed some black spots inside of the head. I was praying it was not mold because that would be nigh impossible to get cleaned up (given I could not just do what you do with MLP and heat the vinyl up and squish the mold out with using Oxi-Clean. Her head was too hard for me to do that). I had also been hit with an overwhelming "new vinyl" smell, which was another sign of the plasticizer being completely gone/leaking slightly, so I was pretty sure that was the case.

I cleaned her up with warm soapy water, but it didn't really get anything off. My next step was to remove the faceup with acetone, which is a little stronger than what most people use to remove faceups but I am very careful with it so please do not try using it unless you are cautious as well. I needed something strong to really get the layers of paint off. With how many dolls I've removed full body/full head paint off of, I have the method down pretty well (a short list of painted dolls I have had to deal with: my own Cordula head, as her head is bright white and needed to match her yellowed body; the body I have for my big guy (which was just a LOT of blue paint); Clarimonde's body (which was painted mostly to hide the top surgery scars from the modification but I wanted to remove the paint)). It came off pretty smoothly, and was revealing a gorgeously yellowed vinyl underneath. Quick clarification here, most people do NOT like their dolls yellowed. I do because it's easier to blush and work on because it is not stark white and I feel it makes the skin look a bit better for the most part (most of my dolls are yellowed but maybe 2 of them). She had some minor staining around her eyes and mouth but nothing compared to what I expected.

[ID: The aforementioned doll head, now much closer in tone to the listing photo. Her face is all cleaned up and her headcap is resting besides her. There are some faint stains by the eyes left from the eyelashes but she is otherwise completely cleaned and is blank. /end ID]

The difference was stark, as she looked much better with all the discolored paint removed. What I had worried was mold was just paint from the faceup and came off completely with no worries (I am convinced I kept lucking out with her because she was thankful to be cleaned up and taken care of).

I had, weirdly enough, been very worried that she would lose all of her charm and cuteness with no faceup, but she did not. Now that I had cleaned her up, I could return to the to do list. With no faceup, it was clear her eyes were slightly uneven, and the modding had left some scratches inside of the head that i wanted to clean up (namely because I felt bad for her for having to have those inside her head). Her nose was something that I definitely wanted to resculpt (which was partially why I wanted to get this doll, she was a big project and an excuse to learn skills that I had been too scared to learn prior to this, sculpting being one of them), but the shape was something I was super uncertain of. She would need custom eyes that were made to fit only her eye shape (her eyes are carved very low on her face in comparison to the original, so normal round BJD eyes would not fit properly) and I would want to make her a wig. I also needed to get her on the body in a specific way modification wise, which will be something we will cover in a later post (as I have not done it yet lol).

Starting with the eyes, I started to work on getting the chunk of clay out of the head. I was immensely glad I had gotten a dremel to help restore my big boy (if you remember me posting images of getting the clay on a chest piece sanded down, that is the same doll) as I had to pretty much sand away at the clay for about an hour or more. Eventually I just gave up and pried it out of the head with a small sanding tool (as sanding it down was just not working too well and it was kind of my last resort). I sanded the inside of her head and outside of it, but neither of these differences show up a lot on camera, so I won't be including images. I sanded the outside of her head to get a few of the areas that were stained a bit to be a tiny bit less stained, as well as wanting a fully clean and sanded surface before I started sculpting.

[ID: Two pictures showing the inside of the dolls head. The first one has a large chunk of white clay visible under the right eye and the second shows the same spot with no clay, as it has been removed. /end ID]

You can see how big of a hunk of clay it was! It was BAD lol. I got through maybe 3 long youtube videos while getting this thing out.

The eyeballs themselves turned out to be made of resin, and thanks to one of the members suggestion on the forum, I cleaned them with acetone. They believed it was just sealant sprayed while the eyes were still in, and the acetone cleaned them up beautifully. They were still not the right fit for miss yucky, but I was very relieved to see that they cleaned up okay.

This photo was before cleaning them up, as I was so confused what could have even been going on here and needed to get advice.

[ID: The eye close up. There is an almost foggy texture over it that obscures the colors a bit. They are a dark blue. The surface is very bumpy and there are some remnants of the white clay that surrounded them still attached. /end ID]

And this photo shows them cleaned up! The left one has been cleaned and the right has not.

[ID: The two eyes laying flat on a gray countertop. The left one is still moderately foggy but is much much clearer than the one to the right. There is a slight gradient in the iris and a small light blue highlight towards the bottom. The right eye is much foggier and is still very bumpy. /end ID]

As for the nose, I was originally planning on doing a larger nose (at least for an anime doll. Closer to what a Dollfie Dream Alna looks like versus the typical very skinny pointed nose) but the more I looked at her, the more I felt she resembled Pinoko from Black Jack. The eye shape, nose shape, and mouth shape (as well as how the eyelashes were painted) felt near identical, so I took inspiration from how Tezuka drew her nose when I was sculpting. I wanted it to flow into the rest of the profile naturally (that does not make much sense but it will once I show the pictures, or so I hope). I didn't want to do a super big difference with her nose, and stick to the original aesthetic as much as I could (which was my goal for most of this project, stick to the original but make it look a bit less "haunted doll" (as one forum member described her)).

[ID: Pinoko from Black Jack. She looks surprised or startled in the photo. She is a pale young girl with a orange-brown bob with bangs, wide brown eyes, a small round nose and a round face. She is wearing a blue shirt. /end ID] (This photo is from the All of Black Jack artbook if anyone is curious)

^Pinoko for reference. I hope the similarities are clear to see! I took some "pre-op" photos of miss yucky (she still does not have a name) and then got to work with some superfine white milliput.

[ID: Images of the blank head from the front and both sides. The first three photos show what the head looked like before the nose, and the second three photos show what she looks like with the nose. The nose is a very stark white compared to the rest of the head and is fairly small. It is upturned and has a slightly rounded tip. It flows into the rest of the profile smoothly, causing it to look very natural from the side. /end ID]

I was not perfectly happy with the nose but it was pretty close to what I had wanted, and I hoped that painting would just fix my issues. It is hard to see here but her eyeholes are also more evened out, although it is a VERY small difference.

The next step was a faceup, which was admittedly very scary. I got nail brushes to help get the fine lines a bit better than what I could do with my usual brushes (my hands are IMMENSELY shaky and have not wanted to cooperate at all during this project, thus the faceup has taken forever because I want to get it right) and wanted to pretty much just redo the previous faceup but with eyebrows and not the scariest skintone situation known to man.

For some context here - normally with faceups, you start with using chalk pastels to shade the head, then go in with watercolor pencils to get the lines, and then do acrylic paint last before doing the final sealing and glossing areas that need to be glossed. I normally follow this to a T, you can see that in my past faceups, I do most of the blushing and the eyeshadow colors first, then go through the rest of the steps.

This was not the case with this head, as I started off with trying to sketch her eyelashes with a watercolor pencil (this did NOT want to cooperate with her head texture/sealant texture) and then eventually just gave up and went in with watercolor paints on a brush. This was ALSO a pain (she wanted to be so so evil to me during this step I think lol) so I just went in with acrylics before doing anything else on the head. Her faceup was going to be mostly acrylics (minus the blushing on the cheeks) as I wanted to keep a similar look to how Tezuka paints Pinoko (he was a very big inspiration during this project, and is why I am doing certain steps, such as the nose and eyes (when I get there) the way I am) and keep the head's cartoonish and cute appearance. The eyelashes were the worst part of it, as I wanted to keep them symmetrical or as much as I could, but it was very hard. I got through the faceup immensely slowly, but to be fair, I was working on another faceup as I did hers (as I wanted to redo both of my anime style heads).

The eyebrows were OBJECTIVELY the worst part of this faceup though, as even in the mockup, I really struggled to paint ones that I felt suited her. At this point, I was really empathizing with the previous faceup artist as with her eyeshape, good eyebrows were hard to do. My other struggle was matching the nose to the vinyl. I am normally somewhat decent with color matching (again, doing Cordula's faceup around 3 times and having to color match the head to the body with paint each time helped here), but this was just very rough, as even with sanding, I felt the nose didn't blend into the face the way I wanted it to. The color was off and I couldn't figure out exactly HOW which was a very big pain. Admittedly, in lower lighting, the nose mod looks GREAT but up close with harsh lighting (which is how I do my faceups), it looked pretty rough. I'm not done with the faceup just yet, so I'm really including a few WIP pics, as I will be tossing the finished faceup pics in when I make the part 2 of this post :)

First off, the nose painted pics:

[ID: The head, now with the sculpted nose that is painted over, on a messy desk. The first image is in harsh lighting and the line where the nose mod begins and the vinyl head is more apparent. The second image is in darker and warmer lighting, and the mod looks more natural. The third image is under the same harsh lighting and shows the head tilted on its back, showing the side view of the nose that is painted. This angle makes it look better than in the first image. The paint is nearly perfect color matched but is slightly off. /end ID]

For my very first attempt doing a mod like this, I was very pleased with how it looked. Milliput is NOT as bad to work with as I anticipated and with the paint, the nose looked pretty natural. It definitely encouraged me to want to work with it more in the future, which is good (as I need to go back and fix Aca's top surgery a bit lol, as I was too scared to do the sculpting at first for him, but now I feel moderately confident about it). It was pretty fun to sculpt it but the painting was a bit of a pain since it was just off in a way that I couldn't put my finger on.

Next up, the most recent WIP

[ID: A closeup of the head, with the same cartoonish lashes painted on in black that she had before. The lashes are incomplete, with the left eye being painted partially with dark brown paint and the right in black paint. Both eyes have the bottom lashes fully painted in black and faint brown pencil marks serve as guides to place the lashes. The right eye has the first two eyelashes painted in black, whereas the left only has the pencil marks. She is very faintly blushed with a light pink on her cheeks. Another doll head in the process of being painted is in the background of the photo, mostly out of shot. /end ID]

I did dark brown paint first, in hopes that I could just outline it first and then do the blushing I needed to, but the stupid paint was NOT going on solid. So i had to jump right into the black paint and pray for the best. The best thing about acrylic paint is you can wipe it off with water easily. The faceup has been taking days, not just because of my chronic pain flaring up and making it hard to move my hands in a way that would work to make these eyelashes right, but because I am doing one lash at a time. This makes sure that my prior work isn't erased if I need to redo a lash but it makes it take a lot more time. I did this for both the heads I was working on, as they both are very fine motor skill required and I needed to get them perfect. The nose mod is also a bit more visible here, it really looks good in certain lighting and bad in others which makes it frustrating lol.

That's all for this VERY long post, ty if you have made it this far! The next post will hopefully be including progress on:

The faceup (hopefully done lol)

Eye making (this will be a VERY miserable time for me I fear)

The way I'm working with my personal modifications to the body to get the head to fit on there

Wig making/styling a wig I have to be her temp wig

And as a little bonus treat, her with Beatrix before I got her cleaned up :)

[ID: A pale vinyl BJD with an orange wig holding the project head. The doll holding the head has green eyes, and a very orange toned faceup. She is sitting on a white shelf and is wearing a white turtlenck and a striped yellow and white skirt. Their heads are around the same size. The project head has had no work done on her in this photo, so the contrast between the heads appearances in this photo is quite stark. /end ID]

#twist rambles #bjd posting #this is LONG long. so that is why it is under a cut lmao #and i need to make a post showing bea's faceup progress i think... but i gotta work on their heads a bit more now.#its insane how well its gone. i rly think shes happy to be home and grateful im helping her look a bit better :)#and in unrelated news good god im so glad i redid bea's faceup bc mannn it looks so much better now lmao. even if she was crazy stained #from the past faceup lol.#anyways. back to work. but this is what ive been working on for like a week but didnt wanna derail from the strike bc of how long of a post #ik it would be. like. as u can see i can talk abt dolls for forever. but this is not like... even all of the stuff i could talk about but i #wanted to kind of take ppl on the journey i was on #i think this is prob the longest doll post ive ever made good godddd... so sorry lol

12 notes · View notes

mxanigel · 1 year ago

Text

I am torn between

please perceive the piece of my soul that I shared on the internet

and

please don't perceive it too much

#anyway I am still in full AoT brainrot #and Cut to the Feeling is now my longest AO3 fic #and features my first-ever OT3 #so I feel funny when fic update posts don't get notes #but also I'm happy for having written this much of their journey #while still finding energy to continue #fingers crossed I can complete the longfic as envisioned #hoo boy is Ani ever rambling in the tags

4 notes · View notes

liesonthefloordramatically · 2 years ago

Text

FRICK, I forgot that it was the beginning of the month so. slightly late update on word crimes I have committed recently:

lesson plans: other than the review session lesson plans I am DONE thank FRICK (99% done)

fic that has somehow grown two people who want it (other than me) only one of whom is familiar with the canon: 16.6k (look. you don’t want me to do this. 25% done. I don’t know. it keeps growing and I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to knowing the full shape of it)

linear storytelling is fake fic: my plan is to reward myself for surviving classes by writing it next week. we’ll see if that actually happens (I have a title so. 5% done)

90+ minute Japanese lecture I have to write before this summer: HAHAHAHA sob (0% done)

book review I also have to write this summer: haven’t started reading the book yet (0% done)

#parallelism palooza: the journey #Queenie actually says something on this blog #good luck figuring out what mystery fic is about!!!!!!#I feel like if I ever finish it it will wind up being the longest fic I've ever written #and posting it will alienate the few fools who are still subscribed to me lksjkfdluaoifusaoifusa #all according to keikaku I guess!!!!

2 notes · View notes

bnuuywol · 2 years ago

Note

“sooo how was training with A? are they a good tutor?” “it was..definitely quite a workout”

Phoenyx really did try to draw as little attention to himself as possible when walking from the designated training room in the Rising Stones back to his own room. His hair was still a disaster, love bites scattered across his collar bones that were only barely hidden by his shirt. But of course, with his luck, he managed to run into Y'shtola.

She looked him up and down and knew immediately what their hand-to-hand combat training had devolved into. Knowing Phoenyx and Thancred, it didn't surprise her in the slightest. She crossed her arms over her chest and a wry smile pulled at her lips. "So, how was training with Thancred? I trust you learned much from his skills."

"Euh..." Phoenyx hesitated. His thoughts went rushing back to Thancred coaching him on hand-to hand combat. Then to the way he manhandled him, pulled on his hair, and pinned him to the floor. How the tension between them grew until they couldn't take it anymore. He broke eye contact, blushing bright red and running a hand along the back of his neck. "It was... definitely quite a workout."

#ffxiv #ffxiv wol #wolcred #thancred x wol #thancred waters #phoenyx eldritch #y'shtola rhul #wol oc #i have this running joke in my canon where y'shtola has known these two were in love/horny bastards for each other the longest #she took one look at them back in ARR and went ''yeah its only a matter of time before that's a thing''#and has been an absolute SHIT to thancred about it ever since #thank for sending!!#my writing #stormblood era #the unending journey

3 notes · View notes

pagesofkenna · 5 months ago

Text

every time i start Joan in the Garden again i think 'this song probably isnt as good as i remember and this time when i listen i'll realize its just kind of ok' and then i get to the final part and i want to tear my shirt in half

#ive only listened to it like four or five times now but to be fair thats over an hour of listening to it #this is one of those 'longest joke ever told' situations where i ask myself did it NEED to be this long in order to be what it is?#and invariably i answer myself YES because the ending doesnt elicit nearly as strong a reaction #if i havent been taken all the way through a journey

0 notes

targaryen-dynasty · 6 months ago

Text

REDAMANCY.

Cregan Stark x female Targaryen!Reader (Part 4 here)

From the very beginning on you’ve been hesitant to accept your younger brother’s offer to return to the capital for your child to receive his blessings. And when you‘re finally on the way, it’s your husband‘s duty to take care of you.

WARNINGS: SEXUAL CONTENT-MDNI; p in v, lactation kink, lactating, pregnant sex, pregnancy, slight breeding kink, praise kink, slight degrading, angst, fluff

WORDS: 3.3 K

NOTES: Redamancy means A love returned in full; an act of loving the one who loves you, and let me tell you: these two are in love. Thanks to @sylasthegrim, it‘s always good to know you help me with my zero grasp on English!

✖️ 𝐚𝐝𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!

Ravens from Winterfell flying all the way down to King’s Landing has always taken quite some time. And therefore it was no wonder you were surprised that one of your younger brother’s ravens reached the castle not long after you'd informed him you were with child, inviting you to birth it in the Red Keep for it to receive the young king’s blessings.

Being the ever dutiful Lord of House Stark, there was no way your husband would refuse the offer, and once your pregnancy had crossed the seventh moon mark, a carriage and your husband’s entourage were sent south.

From the very beginning on you’ve been hesitant to accept the offer. Westeros’ capital has brought nothing but pain and grief to you, and you’re afraid coming back ruins the comfort and peace you’ve found far, far away from the castle in the North, in Winterfell. But a part of you misses and longs for your siblings and the part of your family that’s still left, hence it didn’t take too much convincing from your husband.

You’ve lost count of the days you spent in that damned carriage by now, solely accompanied by your maids as your dear husband rides at the front of his entourage, joining his men on horseback. But there’s one thing all days have in common: it’s you being exhausted beyond relief once night comes.

For the longest time you thought your unborn babe to be no-fussy and calm, which proved to be false just one week into the travel. It’s restless, kicking and moving especially when you finally find rest in the bed of the receptive inn you stay in for the night. Your feet are swollen, just like your breasts, and your body provides milk as though the babe has been long born already, and all you crave at this point is for the pregnancy to be over already.

As the wheelhouse comes to a stop, you rub your swollen bump with a sigh, looking toward the door with heavy footsteps approaching. Your beloved husband opens the door, and even though he won’t admit it, he looks just as exhausted as you do.

“Is it time?” you ask, slowly rising to your feet with another sigh. You place your small hand in his large one, allowing him to help you out.

He nods, bringing a hand to the small of your back. “Indeed. We have reached the crossroads. From here we are only ten days away from King’s Landing, which means the end of our journey is in sight,” he replies. “How are you and our son feeling?”

Cregan guides you away from the wheelhouse, escorting you through the crowd of his men towards a large inn sitting right where the river road crosses the kingsroad. And from old tales of your uncle you know it has to be the Bellringer Inn, a place where even your great-grandfather and great-grandmother have stayed at before.

“We do not yet know if this babe will be a boy or a girl, husband,” you chastise him in a teasing manner.

“You are right, we do not,” he says. “But I feel it in my bones. Just call it a father’s intuition.”

You roll your eyes at his words and nudge his ribs with your elbow, yet there also pulls a smile at the corners of your lips. He chuckles at that. “Careful, my love, I am not as nimble as I used to be.”

Shaking your head, you giggle softly. “Do not tell me that you are an old man now, Lord Stark.”

As you make your way through the courtyard and towards the inn, you can feel the curious glances of the passerby; a man of Cregan’s caliber always drew the attention toward him, just like your hair did. But you’re unbothered by it all. You carry a piece of your husband within you, and that thought fills you with a sense of fulfillment and pride.

He looks for the innkeeper as you reach for his hand, pulling it from your back around your frame, squeezing it softly. “Might you join me tonight? I know that you can not leave your men alone, but one night will surely do no harm. I must admit that I have hardly found sleep without your warmth for the past weeks.”

With a gentle, intimate gesture, Cregan brushes his fingers over your swollen bump, before pulling you against his side. “How can I ever be expected to refuse anything my beautiful wife asks of me? Of course I will join you tonight.” Leaning a bit closer toward you, he adds with a quiet whisper: “Your presence has been missed in my bed as well. The nights feel cold and lonely without you by my side.”

Heat crawls onto your cheeks at the proximity and the slight implication that comes with his words, solely interrupted when a stout man with a bushy beard but otherwise pleasant demeanor walks around the corner and welcomes you two.

Upon Cregan’s inquiry about the availability of a room, he hands over the keys and leads you toward your place of retreat for the night. More than once have you told Cregan you’re perfectly fine with sleeping in a tent with him, yet he always came back to your delicate condition, stating he only wants the best for you and his unborn child, and you eventually have given up and accepted it.

The room is decent. Not as big as your chambers at home, but still larger than what you’ve slept in for the last few weeks. Your maids already scurry into the room to bring some of your belongings and clothes to get you ready for the night, while Cregan leans in to kiss your temple. “Let me arrange for my man to sleep outside the inn for the night,” he mutters against your skin. “And then we shall spend the night in warm beds.”

Even with your maids bustling around you, you can’t help but feel a flicker of excitement at his words. The prospect of sharing the night with him is enough to make you forget the soreness of your swollen curves that has become a constant companion over the past few moons.

“I will freshen up in the meantime,” you say, leaning into his touch before he pulls away to take care of his men’s sleeping arrangements for the night. Once everything was adjusted in the chambers, your maids moved to help you out of your clothes, but you refused them, having planned something very special.

Standing in front of the small window, overlooking a stable with a thatch roof and a bell tower, you all but admire how quietly Cregan opens the door, and with the lock falling right into place behind him, the room grows even quieter and the atmosphere becomes charged with anticipation.

“Is everything sorted?” you ask, looking at him from over your shoulder.

“All set,” your husband replies with a low voice as he approaches you.

He comes to tower over your frame from behind, moving his hands over your hips up to your waist. Lifting your head, your eyes lock with his. “Alone at last, hm?” There’s a sultry smile on your lips now, and you gently reach behind you to cup his cheek with one hand. “Now you’re all mine for the night.”

You lean against his chest, feeling the steady rise and fall of his breaths against your back. Cregan seizes the opportunity and brushes your hair over one shoulder before he presses his lips to the crook of your neck. The touch makes you sigh, stirring something inside of you you have had to keep at bay for quite some time. When he brings his large hands to your swollen breasts, fondling them through the thick fabric of your dress, you can’t help but moan, the slight squeezing aiding against the heaviness.

But then his hands and lips leave your body, and he slightly leans around you to look at you – or rather your breasts – and you immediately know the reason why.

The gray fabric has become damp under his touch, two dark spots prominent in the front of it. While it brings a bit of shame to your cheeks, the low rumble that escapes his chest sends a fire straight down between your legs. “I should have warned you I started leaking a fortnight ago,” you admit ashamedly, biting your bottom lip.

“I quite enjoy the sight of it, you know,” he says, voice laced with a combination of awe, adoration and burning need. His hands shift to the lace in the back of your dress. “But let us put this to good use.”

The dress comes undone with ease, falling to the floor in a puddle around your feet. Damp spots are decorating your smallclothes, but this time you don’t mind the sight. Cregan’s hands now roam over your body, tracing the curve of your waist and your growing bump.

Although you know exactly what it is his words are meant to imply, you choose to tease him. “And what is it you have in mind right now, hm?”

His gray eyes briefly flicker to the bed close to you, before meeting yours again. “I have a few things in mind. But for now…” He cups your chin, tilting your head up so he can claim your lips in a slow, deep kiss that’s full of desire and passion. It makes you feel as though the air is sucked right out of your lungs by him, as if you can’t survive without his lips on yours. “How about we make the most of this night, my love?”

“I’m all yours,” you breathe against his lips.

His large hands roam your curves, helping you out of your undergarments, until they settle at your thighs, wrapping around them to effortlessly hoist you up. Although Cregan is quite the bull of a man and appears to be a brute, he possesses a tenderness you wouldn’t expect from him, gently keeping your body against his and lying you down on the bed not far away just as carefully.

Soft, gentle kisses are pressed to your collarbones, igniting a fire within you that has been smoldering for too long. As his fingers glide over your skin with featherlight touches, leaving a burning trail behind, he finds his hands drawn to your full breasts, cupping and holding them, and eventually squeezing them.

More droplets of your milk trickle into his calloused palms, wetting his skin, but he does not care–not when he has you writhing and whimpering beneath him at just the faintest of touches.

Your husband’s eagerness would have almost made you chuckle, watching him rise from the bed to rid himself off his clothes hastily, if it wouldn’t match your own desire and greediness. With his breeches falling to the ground, his cock stands to full attention, hard enough for it to almost seem painful.

His hungry gazes devours your bare form, tall frame slightly hunched forwards as his chest rises and falls with heavy breaths.

“Will you just stand there and watch, my wolf?” you tease, propping yourself up on your elbows. “What happened to ‘let us put this to good use’?”

It’s the teasing lilt in your voice that pulls him out of his stupor like a wave, the chuckle he releases low and throaty. “You are a temptress, my love,” he replies. “You are lucky I am a man of my word.”

“Then touch me,” you whine, words coming out more desperate than actually intended.

He doesn’t need any more encouragement. Slowly approaching the bed, Cregan bows forwards and grabs one of your feet. He lifts your leg and starts to trail sloppy, open mouthed kisses along the inside of your leg, occasionally nibbling on the skin of your inner thigh.

Your back slightly arches off the mattress, body thrumming with desire. Entangling your hands in his dark curls, you use the grip as reigns to where you want him most, but your husband acts completely unfazed, not allowing you to tug him higher up.

He takes his time, kissing and nibbling your thighs, before he boldly presses a kiss to the apex of your legs, tongue briefly dragging through your folds. It elicits a shudder in its wake, and you can’t stifle a moan.

Making his way up, he licks your navel, and eventually traces the curve of your full breast, circling your hardened bud. Cregan laps up every drop of milk that oozes out of your bud like nothing else than a starved wolf, the edge of his teeth applying just a faint pressure to the sensitive skin to stimulate the flow.

But when his other hand comes up to fondle and squeeze your other breast, that’s the moment you lose your composure, shamelessly smothering him with your breasts. “Gods, Cregan…” you whimper, immediately bringing you relief. There isn’t even time to waste a thought about the indecency of it all, not when it feels just so right.

It’s your mewls, your whispered whines and moans, the sound of you saying his name in such a desperate manner that drives him to continue. “You make me ache for you,” he rasps against your skin, voice thick with desire. Your husband never falters to ignite a fire inside of you with his words, especially when there’s an innuendo hidden between his praises.

Bringing his hand from your breast down between your bodies, he aligns himself with you, dragging the tip of his cock through your folds in a way that makes you bite back a moan and grind against him. You grip his dark curls harshly as he finally eases inside, pushing into you inch by inch, agonizingly slow to make sure you feel him enter you.

His suckling falters with the tightness of your walls embracing him, overwhelmed by pure bliss and a feeling he’s missed for the past few weeks.

Every gasp and whine that escapes you only serves to embolden him further, continuing to tease and taste your breast with unrivaled enthusiasm. It juxtaposes the slow, sloppy thrusts of his hips, and brings you two different kinds of sensations at once.

Cregan has made himself home between your legs, rocking his hips leisurely back and forth. He has dropped his weight on one elbow and leant his upper body to the side, determined to not put any weight on your swollen bump. His lips are firmly wrapped around your bud while his hand teases the other, pinching and squeezing it between his fingers. The proximity is unmatchable, feeding into your constant desire to be as close to him as possible.

You can practically watch him lose every ounce of self control, his suckling becoming more intense and the thrusts growing in determination. His groans and grunts are muffled, and droplets of your milk trickle idly down his chin, getting lost in the dark, coarse hairs.

You fully expect him to say something when he releases your bud, but he’s far too eager to get his fill again. Pinching the perky bud of your other breast harshly, droplets of milk run down the curve of it, only to be traced by his tongue, liking a flat stripe over your skin. He chokes on a groan as the sight has you clenching tightly around his hard cock.

“Please– do not stop,” you whimper, applying a bit of pressure to his head to urge him towards your breast again. “... not yet.”

Dark-blown eyes suddenly flicker up to meet yours, and a shuddered breath leaves your lips. “My my, what a greedy wench I have for a wife,” he chuckles to himself. You don’t take offense, but the statement does make you duck your head and bite your bottom lip sheepishly. “I do not intend to.”

Despite the teasing, it’s obvious your pleas fall upon eager ears as he heeds your command and closes his lips around your bud again. Every hungry pull of his lips draws more and more milk from you, and while relief makes itself known in your breasts, a different kind of pressure starts to settle in the pit of your belly.

Squeezing him so well, you make it impossible for Cregan to move on his own accord, and quickly take over, rolling your hips against his. It’s a race for completion, making your pearl throb with anticipation.

The coarse hairs of your husband’s beard drag over your sensitive skin with his eager suckling, tickling you and causing you to arch against him even more. You have your arms wrapped around his neck at this point, keeping him tightly against you.

A string of yesses falls past your lips like a chant, and the pace of your hips increases as far as your bump allows you to. Your mind grows hazy with pleasure, until your peak washes over you with a loud gasp.

You haven’t noticed Cregan watching you through it all, too focused on the sensations coursing through your body. His gaze is mesmerized, clearly relishing in the relief that’s etched onto your features and the way your walls flutter around his cock.

He pulls back, droplets of milk resting in the corners of his lips, and lifts his body to tower over you. The thrusting of his hips grows sharper now, determined to help you through your pleasure.

“That’s it,” he rasps, one hand resting on the mattress next to your head while the other gropes at your now relieved breasts.

“Once this pup is born,” he emphasized the words by rolling your sore bud between his index finger and thumb, drawing out just a few more droplets of milk. “I shall put another in you to keep you round with my seed.”

Your head grows dizzy, lightheaded even, and you can’t do more than whimper and whine through your peak, not fully comprehending what he’s said.

Cregan snaps his hips into yours once, twice before he topples over the edge with a loud groan, his throbbing cock spending itself deep inside of you. Cupping your breast, his fingers dig harshly into your flesh.

You continue to roll your hips against his, prolonging his pleasure. Switching roles, it’s now your turn to milk him for every drop, taking everything his cock spills inside of you. Every muscle in his body tenses, until eventually, he collapses to the side, careful not to put his weight on your swollen bump.

With his cock slowly becoming flaccid again, the sensation of his seed leaking out of your cunt is more apparent, causing heat to spread throughout your body. If it wasn’t for you carrying his child already, you would have mounted him to make sure his seed would bear fruit.

Cregan eventually lies down on his back, and you seize the chance to rest your head on his chest. It’s hard to keep your eyes open as his hand softly entangles into your hair, scratching your scalp in the manner that usually lulls you to sleep. His breath is slower now, his chest rising and lowering your head.

“I can not bear to spend another night without you by my side,” you all but whisper, bringing a hand to his stomach.

Your finger trails the contours of his muscles, before following the dark trail of coarse hairs down.

“You needn‘t worry about that,” he says. “We shall not stay in King’s Landing for too long. And I highly doubt that anyone could get me out of your chambers during the time we stay there. Once we arrive, we shall stay together.”

Nodding your head slowly, you hum a ‘mh-mh‘, too engrossed in the feeling of his hand in your hair and the other rubbing soothing circles over your back. Having trouble staying awake, you’re hardly able to process his next words, already drifting off to sleep.

“Let us sleep now, my love. We have another tiresome day ahead of us.“

Cregan Taglist: @nats-whore @aemondsbabe

4K notes · View notes

fardf150 · 1 year ago

Text

sometimes a girl needs to cut his hair too short for comfort in his desperation to not have long hair and thats ok. it's all part of the process

#like once my hair was getting to be almost to my shoulders and i wanted it gone so bad #but then i got it cut like to my head and i was like Oh this is almost worse. actually.#like i cant have No hair or hair that's Too short but i cant have Long hair or semi-long hair either #it's a journey and sometimes youll find what makes you most comfortable isnt what makes others believe youre who you say you are #idk ive beenbthinking abt hair a lot lately #bc i used to looove my long hair it was like down past my lower back at its longest #but it stopped feeling like mine at a point. like it was a choice at first but then it was like. idk. something changed #and it wasnt me anymore and i got it cut to my shoulders #and like it still wasnt quiteee right but it was so much Better #and then i got it short short for the firsg time and it was like Oh!#and like there he was yk.#and even since then it's been trial and error #letting it grow out a little was fun but then it got Too long and i lopped it all off. and then it was just that little bit too short #but for better or for worse hair grows back. so you can try as many times as you need to until you get it right #and maybe you never will and what works for you is mixing it up every now and then #idk man. hair's always been important to me and what exactly that means has changed so much just over these past 3 years #3 years today ! 3 years since i started figuring it out #having thiughts idk. 3 whole years. just a few months in i wouldnt have thought id ever see it #augh #fred.txt

1 note · View note

really-fanny-longbottom · 7 months ago

Text

never yours

summary: azriel never regretted his decisions so much like he does right now.

warnings: angst (like a lot), fluff (also a lot because we need a balance)

pairings: azriel x reader, azriel x elain, lucien x reader

words: 6.1k

you were born in day court during the longest and the warmest day of the year — summer solstice.

even though it's not a custom to exchange gifts on that holiday, your parents always told you that you were their greatest gift and that the sun shined brighter that day like he knew that you would be entering this world very soon.

your father was helion's best and longest friend, and he had a place in his court as his second in command and advisor.

your mother was the lead healer of the court. she was one of the most powerful and talented healers of prythian, being a very close second to madja.

due to your parents' jobs, you grew up in the day court palace and close to helion, who didn't just happen to be your high lord but also your godfather.

your parents reconsider that maybe making helion your godfather had been a mistake because of how much he spoiled you.

on your 4th birthday, he gave you a black baby pegasus as a present, which you decided to name him blackjack.

when he discovered that you liked reading, he had a private library built in your room with all kinds of books.

when you were seven and heard an old male saying that females should only wear dresses, you only wore pants for the next three months and of course, helion made sure you had every type of pants at your disposal.

when your parents tried to scold him, he just scoffed with his only response being, 'she's my goddaughter. what else am I supposed to do?' with a big grin plastered in his face.

you weren't helion's child, but he always treated you like one, and that never changed, especially after your parents' death.

your favorite thing about your parents was their mating bond. after you learned that mates are rare and a blessing, it made every single thing about your parents' love even more unique and pure.

you saw first hand what true love is really like. you saw how much they loved, cared, supported, and protected each other.

you saw loyalty and honesty in their deepest forms. seeing your parents' mating bond made you wish to the stars for a mate, and that one day, you would be blessed enough to find him.

but you also saw how deep a mating bond could go — you saw it first hand, too.

you saw it when your mother died after getting infected by a rare disease while trying to help her patients.

her death destroyed your father. the pain and the grief of losing your mother — his mate, and the love of his life were so big that your father followed her into the next life a few days later, so they could start their next journey together.

before he died, your father made helion promise him that he would take care of you, which he agreed without hesitation.

he became more protective of you. he couldn't stop thinking how unfair it was for you to lose your parents at such a young age, only eleven years old, when helion had them for centuries.

your godfather made sure to provide you with anything you needed from the best education to the best clothes, and when your healing powers start manifesting and you decide to follow your mother's steps, helion called in a favor to thesan to see if he could teach you himself.

the high lord of dawn was happy to accept, and so were you at the thought of having him as your teacher.

you moved to dawn court for a year where you learned everything about being a healer, not only with the high lord himself but also with his best healers.

you became one of the best — talented, powerful, gifted, and wise. just like your mother.

madja was looking for an apprentice at the time you returned to day, and when she heard about your skills, she asked for you.

rhysand reached out to helion with madja's offer — you would be her apprentice, work in the clinic with her but you would also assist her if she ever needed to go to a patient's residence, and would learn everything she could teach you.

it wasn't needed to convince you to agree. you had heard about madja and her healing, after thesan, she was the healer you wanted to work with the most, so of course you were more than happy to have a chance to have her as your mentor.

rhysand added that you would be welcome to stay in one of his personal residences, the house of wind, during your stay in velaris.

you were only supposed to stay in the night court for a year, but that was before you met the shadowsinger.

however, despite wanting the apprenticeship more than anything, if you had known what would happen when you agreed to go to the night court, you would never have accepted the offer.

•••

azriel couldn't sleep.

no matter how much he tried, he couldn't. not with tomorrow so close, not when he knew what was waiting for him in the morning.

the past was haunting him tonight, his thoughts hadn't stopped since he had been informed earlier of tomorrow's meeting.

so now, here he was, trying to keep his eyes open even though his body was protesting for him to do the opposite.

but he was fighting that need because every time he closed his eyes, you were all he saw.

your beautiful face with your sparkling eyes, your smooth hair, your pointy ears, your sweet voice, and your soft laughter.

you were haunting his thoughts like a punishment for all those years ago.

so all he could do now was to sit on the edge of his balcony with his legs hanging off while waiting for the sun to be born, and remember how things used to be before he destroyed everything.

•••

everything was perfect in the beginning.

velaris was beautiful, the people were kind, and the pastries were absolutely delicious.

the only thing you actually missed, besides helion, was the warmth of the sun like no other court had but the day court — that was just the day citizen in you talking.

your apprenticeship was going amazing. you and madja had instantly connected, and you were learning so much.

two weeks later, you were already attending your own patients without supervision.

you really had a gift, and every time madja complimented your powers, you gave all the credits to your genes — to your mom.

it warmed your heart knowing that the mother had blessed you with this part of her. In this way, it felt like she was always with you.

the house of wind felt just like home, and you adjusted perfectly.

the inner circle had welcomed you with open arms, and you got along with everyone. they thought you and mor would be the closest of all, but they got a big surprise when it turned out to be you and azriel.

the shadowsinger was different from everyone you ever met.

everyone in day was so loud, extroverted and open.

but not him.

he was calm, reserved, and difficult to read, but with time, you ended up finding out that the two of you were more alike than you thought. you were able to go through the shell that azriel had so perfectly built around him over the centuries.

a friendship was born.

every day, qzriel would fly you to the clinic and then back to the house. you explored velaris together and made your personal mission to try every single restaurant and bakery from the city of starlight.

you walked along the sidra and even stopped once in a while to dance along the melodies that the musicians were playing. you would read together whether that was in the library, in your room, or in his. you even started training with him and sometimes, cassian.

you became each other's person.

when a day at the clinic was hard or you would lose a patient, he was there to hug and comfort you, and you found yourself doing the same for him about his missions.

so you decided to take the next step and spoke about your parents' death, how much still affected you losing them.

and in that moment, azriel realized how much trust you put in him, so he decided to return it and opened about his past, his family, and his hands. you listened to every word, cleaned every tear, and held him for as long as he needed.

tou found yourself falling in love with him a little more day by day, and it only took you a few months to realize that you were completely in love.

the day the bond snapped was one of the happiest days of your life.

it happened during the most beautiful celebration in the night court — starfall.

your hair was tied in a long braid that reached down to your waist, decorating the braid were small yellow daylilies.

you were wearing a golden dress that fit perfectly against your sun-kissed skin. the dress had a slit on the left side that went up to the top of your thigh, a single strap held the dress on your right shoulder and when you turned around, whoever was behind you could have a perfect view of your naked back.

golden jewels rested on your ears and neck.

you looked like a goddess — one blessed by the sun itself.

you were shining just like a day court citizen should.

azriel standed next to you in the balcony while gazing at the spirits passing.

both of your hands rested on the stone of the balcony, and when you went to adjust your hand, it brushed against azriel's.

at the new feeling, you looked up to find his eyes, only to see the shadowsinger already looking at you.

in that moment, with the touching of your hands and the meeting of your eyes, the world stopped.

your hands start interviewing, and everything else just disappeared.

it was just the two of you and the sound of your heartbeats. and then, a golden thread appeared and started tying your hearts and souls.

azriel held your free hand and pressed it against his own chest, right where his heart laid.

you followed his action, freeing your intertwined hands and putting his hand on your chest, above your heart.

with the final loop of the golden thread around your hearts, azriel bent down and kissed you.

that moment couldn't be more beautiful and magical even if you tried.

you had finally found the mate that you had wished to the stars all those years ago.

everything was perfect.

you had everything you wanted and more.

you lived in a beautiful city that you learned to love and were starting to call it home.

you had the job of your life, working alongside one of your idols.

amazing friends that made you feel welcomed and part of a little family.

and finally, your mate, the male you were in love with, long before that beautiful and sacred golden thread.

everything was perfect.

but of course, nothing lasts forever.

and all of that disappeared when elain archeron came into the picture.

•••

ten years.

he couldn't believe that much time had passed. all those years without you.

it had been ten years since the last time he saw you.

ten years since he had heard something regarding you.

ten years since he had broken your heart.

and ten years since he had made the biggest mistake of his entire existence.

you had moved back to day court after that day, after what happened and after what he did.

the high lord of day had forbidden azriel from seeing you and from trying to contact you in any way.

and months later, when the rumors of a certain shadowsinger flying above the palace in hopes to get a glimpse of you reached his ears, helion banned him from his court.

helion had always been a very charismatic and loving person.

he's kind, generous, and a very good friend. He gets along with almost everyone, always joking around and laughing.

some people may say that he's the nicest and kindest high lord that prythian has ever seen.

when problems arise, he always tries to find a solution to solve them or if a solution is not possible, a way to improve them.

but not this time.

not when it comes to you and his son — Lucien.

because your heart wasn't the only one to be shattered that day.

no.

lucien's heart was a victim, too.

so, from that moment, everything that helion did was to protect you and lucien.

to make sure that you felt safe, that you had space and time to heal.

azriel's banishment wasn't the only consequence from the events of that day.

that day also cost the alliance between the day court and the night court, and when the alliance fell apart, so did helion and rhysand's friendship.

but azriel wasn't the only one to blame for all of this.

elain archeron was guilty, too.

she, too, was banished from the day court and forbidden to contact lucien in any way.

but unlike azriel, elain's actions cause far more consequences than his.

the autumn court followed the same decisions as the day court.

the banishment of azriel and elain and the prohibition of any kind of contact with lucien.

eris, now the new high lord of the autumn court after beron's death, didn't take lightly to what happened to his little brother.

the two of them had reconnected after eris became high lord.

they talked through everything that had happened in the last centuries, made peace with their past, and decided to move forward together.

now, the brothers were inseparable and had the kind of relationship they had always wanted since they were younger.

so when eris heard what had happened, he considered those actions as a personal attack.

he went as far as to offer lucien the opportunity to choose the blood duel, which his little brother refused, saying that all of this had already caused enough pain.

eris wasn't angry just because of lucien.

he was angry because of you, too.

you were the first person to give him the benefit of the doubt, the first one to not judge him and unlike the others you tried to get to know him, to be his friend and he let you.

6ou were the first one to know the real eris, to know what he hid behind the mask.

therefore, you had a special place in his heart. even if you didn't share the same blood, you were part of his family.

but that didn't stop with day and autumn. spring joined them, too.

despite everything that happened and the fact that they were still working on their friendship, tamlin's loyalty remained with lucien.

spring had been lucien's home for decades, and with that came a brotherhood between the two of them.

needless to mention that jurian and vassa's loyalties also remained with lucien.

to everyone outside the situation, all of this may seem overreacted and exaggerated.

but to everyone involved, it's not.

after all, you and lucien almost died.

that's what happens when a mating bond is rejected.

•••

azriel couldn't believe things had turned out this way.

he was so sure that the cauldron was wrong, that he belonged with Elain.

three sisters for three brothers.

how more poetic could it be?

there were signals everywhere.

feyre with rhysand.

nesta with cassian.

elain with him.

elain wouldn't go close to lucien or talk to him, but she would sit next to him whether during dinners or on the couch, she would talk to him, and requested his company when she went to the garden or to the city.

even his shadows disappeared every time he was with her.

weren't those signals clear enough?

they were meant to be.

the cauldron was wrong.

so azriel did what he thought was right.

he rejected the mating bond with you, and elain did the same with lucien.

he never thought that the rejection of the bond would've almost cost your life.

that memory still gave him nightmares to this day.

how pale you turned, how you sank to your knees with your hand pressed against your chest, tears running free down your cheeks and muffled screams leaving your lips.

how much pain you had suffered and how he had been the cause of it.

how once, not that long ago, he had been the reason for your smiles, laughs, and giggles.

but that memory wasn't his.

it was rhysand's.

rhys, who had to go through your mind shields, and knock you unconscious so the pain would stop and that memory led him to another memory.

the memory of that day and the things that had followed after he shattered your heart.

•••

azriel wasn't there the moment it happened.

no, he was too busy kissing elain after admitting how much they craved each other.

and while he kissed elain, he felt that golden thread tying the two of you breaking and start slowly to disappear.

nothing could have prepared him for that last memory of you when he and elain were summoned to the river house a few hours later.

rhys had shown him not as a courtesy but as a lesson of how much his actions can affect others.

but you weren't just some other.

you were his mate — former mate.

azriel made a move to go find you.

he needed to explain it to you, and he needed you to understand, but you were already gone.

rhys told him that after you regained consciousness, lucien took you with him back to day court.

lucien.

who you had become instantly friends with since the male's arrival in velaris.

you had treated him just like you were when you moved to the night court.

you showed him the city, the good restaurants and the best pastries, and also told him about Helion, now that he knew the high lord was his father and he was his heir.

you wanted him to feel like home, just like you did.

when Azriel made his intentions clear to go to day and find you, rhys showed him the letter helion had sent.

the one that forbidden him from seeing you and from trying to contact you in any way.

the one that also had the same indications to elain regarding lucien.

and that if any of them tried to disobey his orders, there would be consequences.

azriel knew of protective the male was of you and that he would do anything to protect his family, so for a split second, azriel found himself fearing the high lord.

rhysand also ordered them to stay away from the two of you, stating that they had already created enough problems and the night court could not afford a war with day.

after they left his office, rhys sat down on his chair, trying to think how he was gonna solve this.

his mind kept going back to you and lucien.

he was there when lucien came for you.

the red headed male was also pale and every few minutes, his hand would press to his chest in pain, his eyes were still red, probably from the tears he had shed.

rhys knew that Helion's letter wouldn't be the only one he would receive that day.

and like he was right, three more letters arrived during it.

first from autumn, then spring and the last one from the band of exiles.

rhys passed a hand through his black hair and released a long sigh.

azriel and elain actions had just cost four allies to the night court.

•••

when you and lucien arrived in day, helion almost fell to his knees at your sight.

you were in lucien's arms, your eyes half open with tears still following down your cheeks.

one of your hands was against your chest, rubbing small circles in a way of trying to get rid of the pain.

lucien wasn't much better.

helion headed towards you and started examining you for injuries, but he found nothing.

when confusion made his way to his features, Lucien told him everything.

the confusion was replaced by anger, but the anger wasn't just directed towards the shadowsinger and the middle archeron sister.

some of it was towards himself.

towards himself, because seeing you like that, helion felt that he had broken the promise he made to your dad and that this was his fault.

without giving time for any more thoughts to fill his mind, helion led lucien to your room, where the heir laid you on the bed.

you had fallen asleep in his arms with your cheeks still stained.

lucien sat on the chair by your desk that was placed in front of your bed and said to Helion that he would stay with you.

helion gave him a firm nod, remembering that lucien didn't have a room yet in his palace, but he was about to fix that.

helion didn't waste any time after making sure that the two of you were okay for now.

he called two of his servants to prepare a room for the young heir and went straight to his office where he wrote the letter and sent it to rhysand.

the next week's were a complicated ones but showed that time was the best healer.

you no longer spend the days locked in your room alone.

you started to eat properly again and went back to work.

day by day, you were smiling more, sometimes making jokes.

lucien improved as well.

he decided to live in the day court for the time being and took his place as helion's second in command.

his relationship with helion was also getting stronger over time.

they were making up for the lost time.

but that wasn't the only thing that changed. your relationship with lucien also changed.

you got closer than ever, due to the fact you were the only ones who knew what the other was going through.

you found comfort in each other's presence and started spending more time together to the point where you became each other's favorite person.

little by little, you start helping each other heal.

you started putting back together the pieces that had been broken, and the pain started slowly fading until the day that it didn't hurt anymore.

you two mended your hearts and souls, and for the first time, in a long time, you were full again.

your friendship grew, and so did your feelings for each other.

•••

azriel couldn't believe how wrong he had been.

because the cauldron wasn't wrong, it had never been wrong.

he was the one who was wrong — right from the beginning.

he and elain had tried a relationship after yours and lucien's departure.

it worked for six months until it didn't.

azriel questioned himself why the relationship was starting to fail and why being with elain was starting to feel wrong.

it didn't take him too long to understand the reason. It was because she wasn't you.

he found out that the reason his shadows disappear every time he was with elain wasn't because they were destined but because they were with you.

his shadows would leave him and elain to go find you, like they were stating that they wouldn't betray you, that they chose you.

on the day he broke up with elain, he found his shadows in your old room, which once was filled with colors, books, paintings, and light, and now was empty, dusty, and dark.

the shadows were swimming around your starfall dress — the one you wore on the day your bond had snapped.

the sight of the dress was painful, and he understood why it had been left behind.

azriel had tried to apologize.

he flew to day court and around the palace trying to find you but he never did and the next day helion sent a letter with his and elain's banishment, making autumn and spring to make the same decision.

he understood why.

they were trying to protect you and lucien, and even though he didn't have the right, he just wanted to know if you were okay.

he asked rhys several times if he knew something about you, and thys revealed to him that you weren't talking to him or the other members of the inner circle either.

you had stated that it was too early and still very painful.

so they respected your decision and kept their distance.

that had caused azriel's guilt to grow even more.

how he wished for nesta to still have her powers so he could go back in time and repair all of this.

the light of the sun broke his thoughts.

the sun was finally making its appearance in the orange and yellow sky.

azriel released a long breath and looked at the clock perched on his bedroom wall.

the morning was here, and he was only two hours away from seeing you.

•••

the inner circle stood at the entrance of the day court palace.

helion had lifted the banishment for this meeting with yours and lucien consent.

both of you said that it had been a long time and that the past should stay in the past, but that didn't mean you would be accepting any apologies today.

koschei was on the rise again, and prythian needed to come together once more.

right now, your past didn't matter.

the doors swung open, and the inner circle made their way inside.

a servant led them to the conference room located in the same hallway as helion's office on the first floor of the palace.

they sat at the marble table while the servant informed them, "the high lord will be here in a few minutes."

receiving a nod and a 'thank you' from rhysand, the servant left.

rhys started, "y/n and lucien will also be in this meeting. now, helion was nice enough to allow the two of you back here, so do not ruin this."

he finished while looking at azriel and elain, making them both nod their heads.

helion entered the room, and the inner circle raised from their seats.

the high lord of the day court made his way to the head of the table.

he turned to the side where rhys and his inner circle stood, offering his hand to rhys to shake it.

taken by surprise, rhys needed a few seconds to process what was happening before accepting his hand.

once they had shaken hands, everyone returned to their seats, but not before helion sent a disapproving look in azriel's and elain's direction.

a few minutes into the meeting, the door to the conference room opened again.

and there you were.

you were dressed in day attire. a beautiful white dress that hugged your body, with your hair loosen and golden jewelry adorned your neck and ears.

lucien was by your side also wearing day attire, one that matched helion's, with your hand in his.

the inner circle held their breaths at your sight.

it had been ten years, but all the memories came flashing back to them.

you looked the same, but when you two approached the table, that's when they saw it and shock spread all over their faces.

azriel couldn't believe what he was seeing.

he didn't know what he was expecting to see at this meeting, but it wasn't this.

it wasn't the golden ring that you and lucien had matching on your left hands informing him that you were married that shocked him.

it was the small and round belly that your free hand was resting on and the sweet vanilla scent that was filling the air — the scent of yours and lucien's baby.

"apologies for our delay," lucien started, then looking in your direction with a smile continued "someone had a big appetite this morning," he ended with a laugh.

you looked at his gaze, a genuine smile on your lips "shut up," you whispered.

lucien grabs the back of your chair, pulling it to give you enough space to sit. "thank you, my love."

you said while watching him take the seat at your right, making you stay seated between him and Helion.

for the first time since you entered the room, you looked at the people in front of you. "night court," you greeted with a small smile.

feyre was the first to say, "congratulations, y/n and lucien."

lucien spoke this time. "thank you, feyre." he rested his hand on your belly.

"how far long are you?" rhysand's voice reached your ears.

looking in his direction, you answered, "23 weeks. lucien thinks it's a girl, but i think it's a boy," you added, making rhys smile.

"i always took you for a boy mom." amren's voice surprised you and couldn't help but smile at her words.

"congratulations to you two. the mother knows you deserve it." she finished with a genuine smile.

lucien looked at azriel and elain before directing his eyes to the ancient one "yes, we do. thank you, amren."

lucien paused for a second before turning in helion's direction and continuing. “let's not keep holding on to the meeting. please go on, father."

helion proceeded with the meeting, but azriel didn't listen to a word that was said.

he couldn't tear his eyes from you and lucien.

there was no doubt of the love you two shared, not when it was written in both of your eyes.

he didn't miss Lucien caresing your belly and pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, passing his thumb over your jaw, and kissing your cheek after.

or how you rested your right hand on top of his on your belly while your left passed through his long red hair before resting around his shoulders and your smile while doing it.

what bigger proof did he need of your love if not for the baby you were carrying?

lucien's baby, he kept telling himself.

not his.

lucien's.

jealousy invaded his body, but there was nothing he could do.

he made his decision ten years ago, and now he had to live with it.

lost in his thoughts, he only realized the meeting was over when everyone started standing.

rhys and helion were finishing talking, and when the doors opened one more time, eris vanserra walked in with a little ginger boy in his arms.

he couldn't be more than five years old.

he looked exactly like lucien, except for his eyes — those were yours.

azriel's heart sank, and it sank even more a few seconds later, when the little boy spotted you and lucien.

you already had a baby and you were about to have your second.

with a big smile appearing on his sweet face, the little boy almost shouted, "mommy! daddy!"

the boy jumped from his uncle's arms and ran to you.

you bend down and gather the happy boy in your arms before standing again and passing a hand through his ginger curls and saying, "hi, baby."

you peppered his face with kisses, making him laugh even more. "i thought you were having fun with your uncle," you said, looking at your brother in law.

your son pouted “uncle eris doesn't know how to play. he only wants to do the boring stuff, mommy.”

everyone in the room chuckled. eris gasped with fake hurt “excuse me?”

“elijah.” lucien chuckled and said to your son after joining your side “don't be rude to your uncle.”

“but it’s the truth, daddy.” elijah hid his face on your neck.

eris approached the little family with a smile directed to his nephew. "sorry. i tried to keep him entertained, but he just kept asking about you two."

lucien noticed his older brother had paint and glitter on his white shirt and laughed at the thought of his son giving him a hard time before exclaiming, "it's alright, brother. we were about to leave anyway."

the little boy settled in your arms and rested his head against yours, lucien started rubbing his back.

when the little boy caught the sight of his grandfather, he asked before anyone could stop him "grandpa, how was the meeting with the idiots from the night court?"

the room went quiet, and a few gasps escaped.

at your son's words, you turned to look at Helion, now on mom's mood. "helion! how many times do we have to tell you not to speak like that in front of him?"

the room erupted in laughter at your statement.

the air became lighter, and helion put his hands in surrender, promising you that it wouldn't happen again.

you gave him an incredulous look, saying that you didn't believe him.

your son wrapped his tiny arms around your neck and rested his head on your shoulder with a yawn leaving his lips.

you rubbed your son's back while speaking to him. "C'mon, elijah. let's leave before your grandfather comes up with a new bad word for you to learn."

“bad grandpa” your son agreed with you while earning new chuckles from the night court.

even though he was trying to hold his smile, azriel failed. your son was too adorable.

you turned your gaze to the inner circle and gave them a smile. "it was good to see you all."

"you too, y/n. i missed you." cassian replied.

your smile stretched before telling him, "i missed you too, cass."

the nickname made his heart ache — maybe there's still a chance for you to reconnect.

you turned to look behind you, meeting your husband's eyes "you're coming, lu?"

a pink blush made its way to lucien's cheeks "of course, my love."

the heir looked at his father, "we'll see you at dinner, father. night court." he said, giving the inner circle a small nod before joining you and wrapping his arm around your waist and giving a kiss to your now sleeping son.

amren spoke again “see i told you were a boy mom.”

“you're right. if this baby happens to be a boy as well, i'm gonna be in trouble.” you replied with an arm holding your son and while the other made its way to your belly.

“no, you're not. you're gonna be great.” nesta spoke, a genuine smile on her lips “we already can see you are.” she gestured to the little boy sleeping in your arms.

“thank you, nes.” you were grateful for her words.

on your way out, you met azriel's eyes, but you couldn't find the words, so you simply gave him a nod with a small smile, and azriel returned the gesture.

when the door closed, amren was the first to break the silence "well, the mother has a sense of humor."

everyone turned to look at her, but she focused her gaze on azriel and elain.

"you rejected them because you believed you belonged with one another only for your relationship to fail six months later. and now," she released a laugh, "your former mates found their way towards each other. fell in love, got married, have a son, and have another baby on the way. ironic isn't it?" she said with the feline smile returning to her lips.

it was helion who spoke next, amusement all over his face, "indeed. i guess karma is a bitch."

he sent a disapproving look one more time in the direction of the two people who almost cost him his family before exiting the room.

amren's and Helion's words stung, but azriel knew it was nothing but the truth. He realized in that moment that despite your life now and how things turned out, you would never forgive him.

he had lost you forever, and now he had to live with regret for the rest of his life.

after all, you were no longer his.

a/n: thank you for reading! i'm thinking in making a general taglist so if you wish to be added let me know.

the beautiful dividers belong to @cafekitsune

2K notes · View notes

twstowo · 7 months ago

Text

Kissing Their Foreheads [One Final Forehead Kiss]

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗SYNOPSIS: You kiss their foreheads.

♡︎ Includes: Third Years

[First Years]☆[Second years]☆[Third Years]☆[Here]☆[Extras]

After your long journey of kissing each of your friends, you find yourself in the same spot where you had found Ace at the beginning of the day. The spot is empty now, Ace long gone after his pitiful display. You only wanted to give him a sweet forehead kiss! Why did he even have to behave the way he did? Couldn’t he just have accepted your affection?

You sit down on the bench, the soft evening winds caressing your skin. The moment feels peaceful as you finally stand alone at the end of such a busy day.

You are aware that Ace knows about your little adventure; not long ago, you sent him a message, and no one is surprised he ghosted you! You were inches away from blocking him! No! Maybe you should tell Riddle about the rule Ace broke last week! So many good ideas, but you simply roll your eyes at his behavior. It’s almost the end of the day; you shouldn’t be getting worked up after him.

“Henchman! I have been looking for you the whole day!” You hear Grim as he jumps on the bench. You watch him as he complains about the lack of cans of tuna, and then you remember the most important thing. Something you should have thought about long before.

Grim, he hadn’t received a forehead kiss yet! How could you have been so blind?

“WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU-” As you take hold of his face, you give him a forehead kiss, a well-deserved one.

──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────

“For how long are you going to stare at your phone?” Deuce’s voice comes from behind Ace. In fact, he had been staring at your message for the longest time ever with an annoyed expression. He knows that at this point it just looked like he had ghosted you, but he simply didn’t know what to answer. “Just tell them that you liked their forehead kiss!”

For more than Ace wants to snap at Deuce and tell him to shut up, he knows that he is right. At this point, he is the one acting like an idiot. He sighs as he slowly starts typing, but everything he writes sounds way too sappy for him. There is no way he can send any of those messages.

Ding!

He hears the message sound as an image pops up in front of him. It’s you hugging Grim and below the message reads: ‘My favorite forehead kiss!’

As slowly as possible, he closes his phone and lowers it down. “That damned cat…”

“You lost to a cat??”

“SHUT UP, DEUCE!!”

@hotaru57 @takimarasukido

#twst #twisted wonderland #disney twst #twst wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst reader #twst x reader #x reader #ace trappola x reader #twst ace #ace trappola #twst deuce #deuce spade #twst grim

1K notes · View notes

anakinfromaccounting · 2 years ago

Text

who doesn’t love a good ol’ bathroom selfie

#physical form friday #my mane is getting crazy long #this may be close to the longest it’s been like ever #no idea how long i’m gonna grow it #it’s just a journey at this point #the avery

0 notes

defmaybe · 12 days ago

Text

Mistake

NewJeans' Kim Minji (Angst) & NMIXX's Oh Haewon (Smut) x Male Reader

15.4k words

Some discussions of suicide

A/N: A few things before going in:

This is essentially an unedited, raw first draft. Expect an insane amount of errors and self-indulgent metaphors.

It's also unfinished in parts.

Still, I do genuinely hope that you enjoy this!

Thanks to Tyler and and Summer for putting me on the right track of being a writer!

Big inspirations from Caps' Departure, Nichu's Where Our Blue Is, Ddeun's Our Love Language is Sex, and Challengers

—

Prologue

—

Mistake all the time, You’re my mistake all the time, yeah

Mistake all the time, I’m your mistake all the time, yeah

—

You realized that you’ve never possessed the creative calibre as much as a writer should’ve had. Perhaps it’s appropriate that you’ve never pursued it as your major career. You read all these stories, and you knew that you just can’t come up with these plots. You don’t know how to do character developments, hell, you can barely write dialogues. The way people talk in real life remains a mystery to you. So, it’s probably for the best that you’re in engineering.

Though, it just takes a mistake to change it all. Many stories start with a catastrophe, a turning point, or something that puts the protagonist on their journey. So, here you are, you have a story right in front of you, so should it be transformed into something commendable? award-worthy? a selfish portrayal of what’s supposed to be just a passage of life? The goal of it doesn’t really matter much (though some recognition would be nice); you just had to write it out.

—

You don’t know how much time you have for this. Everyone has been telling you it should be long enough for the forgiveness to be ready, but you’ve also been wondering whether, if that day comes, it would be too long that the cadence won’t strike you as pristine as before.

Though, it hadn’t stopped you from fantasizing how this encounter would play out. You’d say something witty with a chuckle, and she’d smile back, or even better, a laugh. Both of you would see the separation as some childish actions of the past. The two of you would go back to where you were: grief-stricken, exhausted, scared high school students.

The sunlight would force you to retreat to some cafe during the afternoon, letting you two trade stories between the gaps. And as the sun sets, you’d sit beside her in some park, laid back a bit, hands on the grass to offer some balance. She’d do the same. Then your hearts would slowly be reconnected with each other, hoping to reclaim solace missing in the separation, as if you are the only two people on earth.

Firstly though, those events would have to be triggered by your words. And despite thousands of days of you trying to perfect every syllable, they just conveniently stuck in your throat. This isn’t what you’ve been readying yourself for. Awestruck and powerless is an understatement, and no tests have ever made you feel so drowned in your gargantuan number of thoughts.

You cannot say a word to her, and there may not be any second chance for this.

You are her mistake, and you’ll always be.

–

One: About You

–

There was something ‘bout you that now I can’t remember

It’s the same damn thing that made my heart surrender

And I miss you on a train, I miss you in the morning

I never know what to think about

–

I like you

What

I like you! Like do you wanna go out on a date?

(Seen)

It isn’t the longest silence you’ll experience with her, let alone with someone else, fourteen years on earth won’t give much of an insight to you, but it’s enough for you to know what she’s going to say next.

I’m sorry

Regret in her words bled through the pixels.

But I just see you as a friend

Being on text messages takes out the awkwardness a bit, but that doesn’t help transform the dagger, really.

Kim Min-Ji, your entire relationship was based on this encounter, and that three-week phase of some bullet crush upon entering a new school preceding this. You were charmed by a girl’s look, and then no one can compete with that.

You had found her face appealing, then you fantasized your whole life with her. One thing led to another, and you were head over heels for her in just a week.

Nowhere that you haven’t gone with her in your head: a date at an American diner—drinking milkshakes, a trip to the theater—watching some schlocky romance and cringing when the couple on the screen are kissing each other, and the most ambitious one: marriage, she’s smiling, everyone you’ve ever known is surrounding you, cheering as you are leaning in for a kiss.

Too bad you didn’t have a backup plan if it failed.

Consequences of the rejection had you decompressing every, single, thing you’ve been admiring about her to your friends, yeah, the same ones. You treated that as if it was the end of the world.

It was quite a phase, and you inevitably got closer to those people. They were slowly fading away eventually, one by one, but at least, at that moment, you felt like there’s someone listening to you.

While the dagger stuck, you kept eluding her, avoiding eye contact as you were walking past each other. You had to let her know you were hurt. God, that shit looked so damn petty in retrospect.

It was a month later when the heartbreak dissipated, and both of you decided that the next three years cannot be spent evading each other. (To be honest, it’s mostly just for you to stop being weird.) A nod was all it took, and that probably was a lot better than having her as a girlfriend.

–

She wants you to live on your life, separately

Being on text messages (and having it delivered through a friend) takes out the cruelty a bit, but that doesn’t help transform the dagger, really.

It started with just some petty acts, a crude joke. Then, just over a month later, you deleted every single picture of her, almost five years of them. It wasn’t a hard thing to do when you were so deep in melancholy, just a few minutes after a friend brought the breakup message to you.

You thought you had to block her everywhere. But with every step taken to create some distance from her, those actions just, somehow, create unending echoes tormenting you.

Why

You really wanted to fix this; you really fucking did. You’ve never wanted it to end, even when you sent some faux, response-seeking farewell messages after days of waiting for her confirmation of how she felt, just to have her come and reply about the exam she was having just a few minutes later.

Are you gonna send something to her again if you know?

But even with her crying emojis, you were relentless with your replies. I fucking hate you still echoes to this day. It shaped how you see yourself: a selfish, yet codependent, self-indulgent, unlovable person. Even with the apology texts you sent a few weeks later (which she never saw), those four words were tattooed on you.

I won’t

You wished you could, but this answer seemed to be the way to satisfy her.

Think about it

Like all those years

What have you done to her

It was supposed to end with your first apology text, when she called herself an asshole over it. Then, you became one yourself. It turned out that reading only the preview message doesn’t give you the full picture, so you paid the price just a month later. You replied to that, then you waited. And with how God made you so insecure, you thought she wanted it to end after a week you took to reply.

You had problems.

It’ll all be okay

Someday

Looking at your friend’s text, you sighed, knowing that you can only let fate and time lead you to it.

–

You were nothing more than a friend. She sure loved you, just not in the way one would perceive as romantic. There were kind words, there was thoughtful advice, there were chatting deep into a lot of nights.

Any form of physical contact though, you brought it up in some conversations (which one eventually being the spark that burned it all), were always quickly suppressed by her. So, there you were, having her as a friend, and the bar for where your future girlfriends should be.

hey

need some advice rn

uh huh

there’s this guy

send me his pic

alright wait a sec

[photo]

my god

what

okay yeah I know why he’s a big deal

fuck auto caps on I again

fuck

just turn it off in the settings lol

thanks

[Replied to: okay yeah I know why he’s a big deal] ikr

[Replied to: thanks] no prob

how is it with him

As it was flourishing, there were times that you wished for it to be as easy as a kiss and a happily ever after, with how well-gelled you’ve always been together. But the distance between you is just too much.

You can’t conveniently visit her on every other weekend, while she really didn’t want to close the distance from being a close friend (or as you would think to yourself later: “our love may not coincide at the same time”). So, there you were, you became each other’s advisor for those times you’ve had.

–

All of what you saw as confidential: all the vibrations of your heart, all the tears running down your cheeks when alone, all the ties you cut and formed, as any teenager would do, was at last, delivered to your parents, at the age you didn’t think it was possible for such change.

You didn’t expect that your parents would take it well, with how you’ve withheld everything for the last half decade, reducing every answer to their questions into a binary set consisting of yes and no. But as they’ve always been, they didn’t leave you in the dark.

You pleaded guilty to all of it – how you were wretched inside. How she became so much to you, how you took everything she says as an oath, how her jokes lit up a smile on your face every time, and how they still haunt you, to this day, keeps you from initiating any new, proper relationship with someone.

They kept coming back, even if you thought time would slowly fade them away. The minor details, yes, but the bigger ones are still having free shots on you every now and then.

The first few months were difficult. Bed seemed to be the best place you could’ve been, lying down, your fingers sliding reels after reels for god knows how long. Though, it hits you, years of being alone, walling people out was detrimental to you. It starts with some small repairs: story replies to disconnected peers, dates with your close friends, more exposure to your family.

You seek connections, desperately, to fill up the hole she once occupied. You took too many side jobs aside from the grueling university classes, and to be honest, you did meet a lot of new people in the next semester, even more than you did in the last two or three years here.

The space though, five years of freestyle carving put it into this twisted, incomprehensible, harrowing state in which all the adjectives in the world aren’t enough to define the shape of its former owner. How every fibre of your existence was tied to her was, as seen from outside, sad.

Sure, it’s not wrong to let someone into your life, but with this extent – thousands of words to pry out a response - it just reeks codependency in retrospect.

It took some time, and a bunch of people, to cover up the space. You never quite make it like it was; there’s always a hole somewhere, and you can still see the footprints she left on you through it.

How you tell people close to you, most of the time, is that there was a fight - one you started. Then you were being a bitch for too long, and by the time you returned, she put you out of the picture. You added some bits of how you were dependent on her for your heartaches, how you treated her like shit for years, how you sent waves of messages that she didn’t reply because she was busy, how you said you hated her, only to retract and regret it a few days later, then it all ended.

It could be some way of unearthing emotional vulnerability under that “cold” façade - as often pointed out by your friends, which you deflected as crippling social anxiety. You thought people would trust you more if you decided to tell them how you succumbed to those inner demons. It works most of the time.

You told them that you cried to some K-pop song that you can only understand like two lines.

You told them how you tried to recover the photos with some external program not a week later.

You told them, with an otherworldly consistency, that it’s your fault, never hers.

You told them you’d send something a year later, as an apology, to return to where you once were.

You told them that you might crumble again if the response is anything but a warm embrace.

Your taped-up heart remained intact when the day came, having your friends around and such after a year of reconstruction, and you surrendered to the fact that you really can’t do much more than a guilt-ridden text. But it’s not easy at all to watch “Sent just now” become “yesterday”, then “last week”, then “last month” slowly unfold. Then you knew that your strength just cannot handle this; cadence can’t exist with a single note.

It took you back to that day, when the future was just this black, unbounded, silent yet serene space. Times where every knife suddenly became alluring, heights weren't what you were afraid of anymore, the next trip to a pharmacist might be a deathtrap.

This eternal apathy: it was tempting to give in to it – to just leave all of these behind. Yet, you weren’t so sure to give yourself such an ending. People won’t like it, or do they? A lot of stories saw their main characters to their ends, no matter which way it would be. And to be fair, a lot of them became cult classics. You weren’t so sure which would be the right ending for yours.

–

Two: Now That We Don’t Talk

–

You grew your hair long, you got new icons

And from the outside, it looks like you’re trying lives on

–

One advice you took from your therapist is to keep journaling your emotions, each day. And even with the poor self-discipline, whether in a book or a journal, you carved your grimaces, laughters, and tears into words. But perhaps that became too customary. And as time passes, you find the storyteller side of yours magnetized outwards. So, there you were, in front of your old laptop, nibbling on the dagger.

–

Your plane landed in Tokyo mere hours ago. It was a few days after your sophomore year finals. You were paying for your inability to sleep with the shaking cabin, and it was just nine (Tokyo Standard Time) in the morning. Your eyes went dry, and you can feel the irregular beats of your heart. The sleeping pills from your psychiatrist can’t handle the excitement of getting on a plane, especially if it’s to Tokyo.

It’s cold, spring cold. Snow is nowhere to be seen, but your tropical genes are already shaken with a small breeze. You excused yourself from your family for some minutes outside the airport, to get some air for alertness.

The train would depart in an hour, but with the risk-averse nature of your parents, you had only 20 minutes to snap a few photos around Narita. You quickly pace yourself against the crowd, to the outside. You strode through the arrivals terminal, before reaching the automated door, finally catching the air. And it’s cold, spring cold.

It was cloudy, yet the sun was bright enough to deflect your vision away from the matter of protecting it. You pick up your camera to snap a few photos, testing the recipes you had looked up from home. And god, wasn’t Japan so pretty?

But maybe it’s the wind, maybe it’s the temperature, maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, you’re drawn to her, again. It was just over a month ago since the incident. Yet miles away from your parents’ car, when Minji had her dagger delivered through your phone, and as the distance grew, you realized that it’s poisoned.

Should I check my block-list?

It echoes, even if you had no reason to do it. And you gave in, under that spring air: cold, dry, unrelenting, merciless.

You took a seat by a slanted cream walkway outside. A man was sitting across from you. He looked up, before going back onto his phone, nonchalant to your presence, and it’s like you could complain about it.

And immediately, you take out your phone, so eager to check your blocked accounts.

She changed her profile picture into something that you can’t even make sense of: her. Even under the face of the drawn character, you could feel her radiate through your screen. Locals and tourists are still marching towards their destination, either into the city, or a plane, unbeknownst to your internal collapse. It’s probably the way your face is always the same - concealing the tears so well - cheerful or devastated.

She moved on from you: her old persona shed, bio rewritten, era changed. Yet there you were, at least a sea away, crumbled into pieces.

Perhaps it was time for you to shed a new shell.

–

“Minji will be here too!” One of your friends said.

It was the first time you had a sleepover at your friends’ apartment. Alcohols were, of course, involved. A bit of drunk chatting with your friends and walking around helped with the university-induced depression, which you, then freshman, naively dismissed as a normal thing. Then, you heard she would come for some lunch before you go back to the mundane routine you got yourself into.

“Heyyyyy.” You shouted into the room as soon as the apartment’s door was closed. She was sitting on the sofa in the middle of your friends’ studio-sized room.

“Hey!” She seemed to look different from her high school days, crimson on her lips, longer eyelashes, paler cheeks. She wears makeup now, and you wouldn’t lie that it took you by surprise - how beautiful she was. It may have been contributed to the fact that you had just six hours of sleep the night before, but she was gorgeous that day, breathtaking even.

“God, I miss you so much.” You said, sitting down beside her on the couch, while looking over the screen of her ancient phone.

“Awww, thanks babe.” Minji blew you a kiss, irony, to which you happily caught.

“Long trip?” You asked, knowing how far she is from the city.

“Hour and a half.” She murmured.

“Sorry about that.” You chuckled, laying your back on the couch. It’s a display of your insufferable narcissism as usual, a humble smugness.

Your friends were too busy on their phones, waiting for a member to finish his shower before taking a trip into the city.

“No need, I’m here to see you.” Minji beams.

“Thanks, Minji.”

Not that you haven’t seen love blooming in front of you before, it’s just that you can’t grow the petals to display your stern sentiment. It has been, to say the least, difficult for you to express any tinge of compassion.

–

“ROMEO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE WE CAN BE ALONE, I’LL BE WAITING ALL THERE’S LEFT TO DO IS RUN.”

It’s only the two of you screaming between the other guys in the karaoke room. Even if it’s Taylor fucking Swift, she still seems to be threaded just between you two.

“YOU’LL BE THE PRINCE AND I’LL BE THE PRINCESS, IT’S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES.”

You were pointing to each other, with others baffled by how enthusiastic you were.

Both of you kept going like wannabe singers until the end.

“WE WERE BOTH YOUNG, WHEN I FIRST SAWWWWW YOU.”

And the song ends, leaving only you two sharing the only spotlights in the room.

“Minji, fuck, god, that was great,” you panted, trying to catch your breath after screaming Love Story.

“You should thank me for listening to only English songs,” she scoffs, smiling at you.

You attempted to make a cute face, sarcastically. “Thanks, Miss Kim.”

“It’s my job to listen to Taylor Swift for you.” She bowed and smiled.

It’s always the irony-infused conversations, but deep down, you know you could trust her, at least once you do. So many of your problems were solved by her. Just tell them directly, just do this, just do that. And if you didn’t even want to, she’d take your place to show how competent in the field she is, just for you.

As your friends continue with the songs you two can’t capture the lyrics, you slid yourself towards her. “So, how’s the med school?”

She finds the words to answer the completed question for a while. Your other friends are still screaming their lungs out. “It… fucking sucks, yeah, it beat my ass back to high school.” She’d frowned at her script.

“I guess so, I shouldn’t have asked, even. We should talk about light things instead, I’m sor—”

“Don’t be.” Minji cut you off. “It’s fine, I needed a place to vent, anyway.”

The mood, again, swung into glee along with the background. “Oh, so what, Miss Kim, you’re going to use me as your personal venting tool now?”

As if you predicted your future.

“I might, if it doesn’t get better.” She’d snickered at her own comment.

Your expression softens to sympathy. “Well, I’m here. Miss Kim, Go ahead.”

“Really? We can chat about this later, to be fair” She negotiated your offer, not wanting to ruin the mood.

You pondered for a moment, as the song came to an end. “I suppose so, wanna pick the song?”

Minji smiled. “Sure.”

It was these small moments that you kept digging up, even if it is surrounded by smiles and laughs. I wasn’t kind enough to her. I said the wrong things. I was selfish. And it slowly grew into something far more sinister. I am a bad person.

–

“Okay, I’ll post this and tag you all.”

After the group selfie, it was time for you to go back to your regular depression-inducing activities at university.

“I have to get going now. I have class tomorrow morning.” Slightly annoyed by the time restraint, it’s evening now.

“Don’t forget to tag me~” Minji would speak out, playfully, a façade for the fear of being excluded.

“What if I do?” You pointed a finger to your chin.

“I’ll block you, that’s what I’d do”

“Aww, I’d be so sad.” You sarcastically pouted, before giving a farewell, “Bye, babe. Bye, everyone.”, waving.

“See ya.”

That was the last time you’d see her face.

Upon reelings, you can only recall the words as a vague, half-hearted goodbye. Oh how you felt so secure with her back then you just gave some shitty farewell, unbeknownst to how it would stick with you as her final image of you – the fact that has been gripping you tightly ever since.

–

Maybe, in a way, it is to broadcast the insides of your heart to the world. It’s always been what you do best. You found yourself sitting down in front of your laptop, pondering on the word choices. You were walking on a minefield of words, avoiding repetitions that would make your readers groan at such occurrences.

It could’ve been easy - the one who left was the villain, and the one who found you is the typical manic pixie dream girl any man would want. You would boast it when you meet her again, saying something along the lines of “I won the breakup.”, or “Guess who’s crying now.”. It’s quippy, snarky, made-ready, and gives some sense of revenge to the readers, and to you.

It’s not hard to give in to the waning under the half-lit moon; the vengeance is too alluring. Still, perhaps it was that single, small spot in the dark sky - the one that keeps on flickering a signal. And it was decrypted into the ending you didn’t want, acceptance, even if the creeping clouds are slowly curtaining the sky. The star keeps on flickering, to guide you.

And you followed it. The piece didn’t get as much recognition as you’d like, as the grudges were, even if partly, let go, and only mentioned as your thorns. Yet, that day, those spikes were shed, for a new shell to form to protect you from your own hatred.

–

Three: Feels Like

–

Met you at the right time

This is what it feels like

–

You were told that it’s going to be some kind of joint committee between universities. And so, as one of the chosen, you are here, in such rare occasions of being in a suit. It’s tiring - you just got off from your senior project, internship is approaching in a week, right after the Christmas holidays. Yet, being given a few activity hours from your university isn’t a bad offer at the time.

Some classical music you’ve never bothered to look their names up were sent through speakers; they probably couldn’t afford a real band. The grandiose, dimly blue-tinted-lit hall was occupied by hundreds of representatives. Waiters were walking back and forth to corporate demands for the food and drinks. The sounds from all kinds of conversations are lighting this ball up. It’s, from a whim, lively for now.

As always, you felt out of place here. You’ve never been the type that would slot into a conversation with ease. Every word you say might be interpreted as an insult, a showboating of your dull wit. So, silence seemed to be the best choice here. You can’t have people see you as some lowly, dense, out-of-place ordinary guy.

You kept checking your watch, anxiously, it should have been eleven when you were to leave, and time gets slower on purpose. Words around you were slowly, but surely on its way to push you to your edge. There were a couple of people from your university too, just that they were nowhere to be seen. Maybe they are in the toilet? Maybe they can talk to strangers? Maybe they don’t want to be around you?

With every second ticked, an uneasy feeling crept up your body with confidence, eager to take control. Your eyes were stuck to your phone, with right thumb swiping short videos after another. Each one elicited a dopamine shot to keep the shadows at bay, but it could do just that. You know this stuff is going to shave off your attention span bit by bit, but not faltering in front of everyone now just matters more.

Until-

“Sorry.” A stark, yet tender voice shook you, despite its message. You expected someone to come take you into their company, but it’s still a long way to go to get rid of this shell.

You turned your head back until she’s in your vision. A short-haired woman stood before you, around your age; her lips formed a weak grin. Her left hand was holding an empty plate, though with a few hints of red velvet’s frosting on it. “Can I have some more cake?”

Her right hand was in her blazer pocket.

You realized you had been standing in front of the cake stand for the last fifteen minutes. Fuck, this is embarrassing. You immediately moved away from the front table. What if I was seen as some fucker guarding all those cakes?

“What’s with that face?”

“Uh—uh—” Being heavy in your thoughts can sometimes send some erratic, unwanted instructions to your facial features. This Fuck, this is embarrassing ordered the classic eyebrow squints, and a slight mouth frown.

“Are you seriously getting mad because I told you to move a bit?”

Ok, ok, shit, what the fuck is happening now. You were lost, failed to come up with a response. Those doe eyes were sure to be flammable with how you can feel trickles of sweat on your forehead now. First, you were all by yourself in what’s supposed to be a networking opportunity, and then this. This is how you are going to be viewed by these people now, an entitled, selfish asshole. A real chance pulled away from a single mistimed expr—

She pulled you back with her contagious simper. “I’m sorry. I was j—” She broke into another chain of laughter; there’s no reservation in those, like at all. “I was just fucking with you.” She put her right hand to cover her gaping mouth, while swaying her upper half back and forth like it was the funniest shit she has ever pulled.

You may have just felt the largest absolute emotional slope in your life - it doesn’t really matter in terms of good or bad, just closest to being a straight line. You let out a shaken sigh, then, without knowing, you can’t help but start laughing with her in unison.

“God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect you to be s–so anxious about that.” The hilarity subsided, as she was starting to regain her composure.

You replied with some remnants of the previous guffawing. “It’s fi—ha, ha, it’s fine.” Still taking in what’s just happened.

You finally got a proper look at her. And on that exact night you first met, she wore a gray blazer, perfectly compatible with her decent height, just a few inches shorter than you – did she get it tailored? The navy wide-leg pants she had on her really gave her this “young and rising executive” look. Her short hair was a bit messy, probably from all the walking and talking she had while finishing that poor red velvet cake.

Her nose was supposed to be the part that had you gawked, with how its bridge was flawlessly sculpted while still fitting with every other part on her face. And with the crimson lipstick on her plump lips, those features alone, perhaps, had Aphrodite working overtime.

Then, just a bit above those, her hazel eyes, the ones that will have you gladly trapped in it for hours. The sunsets you will be sharing is going to be reflected in her eyes, as you bring your face closer to hers, to realize that she’ll be the person you can, and want to spend the rest of your life with.

(We still need to come back to the first night though. You haven’t gotten much more of her personality than that joke.)

“So, aren’t you going out and talking to someone?” She asked, her right hand using the cake server to pick up the lone chocolate one in the center of the table.

“Well, uh, it’s kinda hard to explain” You gestured your hands into an “I don’t know” pose, moving them up and down a little to imitate a weighing scale, as if you know what’s on both sides.

She puts on her curious face, staring straight into your eyes, trying to pry out an answer. “Try me”

You tried to hit back with your straight face, ready to not give in to her request, but to no avail. Her stare was getting even more intimidating. God, that gaze is strong.

“Fine.” You replied, as she giggled with her victory.

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” She furrowed her eyebrows. She really looks like a confused bear with that face.

“Never have the courage to do it.”

“Well, you look like you have enough to talk to me.” She cuts the chocolate cake with her fork, before putting the piece into her mouth.

“That’s because you’re the one initiating.”

“Oka—“ She tried to reply with a stuffed mouth, but the content was still too big. She chewed it a bit more with her right hand covering her mouth, the other putting a stop sign on you. “Okay? And am I wrong for doing that?”

“No! I—“ Her right hand moved to her waist; she was burning you with her eyes, cheeks still moving. It is important that you don’t say the wrong words here. “Thanks?”

“You’re welcome~” She twisted the last syllable into a melody, before letting out a cute giggle. “I’m Haewon by the way. And sorry for fucking with you a little too much.” She offered a handshake, which you reluctantly accepted.

You suspected that there’s something weird with her then, with how chatty she was with you. Who would be going around, talking like this to other people?

It turned out a few years later that you’re the weird one.

“Aren’t you supposed to have some friends with you?” Haewon continues her pressing on you.

Shrugged, “Yeah, but I lost them like an hour ago, so—", as you fanned your eyes around for the umpteenth time of the night. The crowd rumbled, but still no sight of your peers. “I really have nowhere to go.”

Haewon kept switching her gaze between you and the crowd, as if to make more topics and banters out of it.

“You wanna join?” Haewon finally locked you within her sight; her thumb pointed away, into the uncertainty of the crowd.

“Uh—"

It’s one of the few times you picked the right choice, even if it was clear as day.

“Let’s go then”

Joy gleamed her face, “Great, follow me”

Along with Haewon, you walked with her into the crowd. You bumped into some people who are apathetic to your action, and some even give you an understanding look, unbothered by your mistakes. The classical music blaring around seems to calm everyone down.

You’d finally reached a group of similarly-dressed students. “Welcome back Haewon, what took you so long?” One of them muttered out.

“Him.” Haewon replied, while looking at you and beams a smile.

–

Four: Cutie

–

Woke up in your orbit

Now where do I start?

–

Eighth wonder of the world: how the fuck can you secure a date with the royalty, Oh Hae-Won. You were aware – made known by her friends teasing you during a few group dates, knowing how Haewon has been spending a lot of time on her phone lately, too often with a grin on her face.

“Hey” Haewon appears behind you in a sudden, voices in your head are now scattered.

A little shocked, “Hey”.

White tee, brown, modern crossbody bag on her shoulder, light navy jeans, hair a little shorter from that day, topped wi—

“Haiyah!” Haewon calls out, snapping you out of your trance. “You’re doing that again, aren’t you.”

“Doing what?” You replied, hoping she didn’t notice your pondering, borderline ogling on her choice of garments.

“Thinking.” She taps her head lightly. “Like you were being hypnotized or something.”

Rebuttal, “No, I wasn’t?”, and your eyebrows are marred.

“Yes, you were. And the first time I met you was also like this; you were lost in your head, and staring at me like you were trying to gauge something out of me.” She retorts with an arrogant chuckle.

“Alright, alright, fine, I’m a daydreamer, and what’s the problem with that?” You deflect the guilt. Shit, what the fuck did I say?

“Well—" Haewon nibbles her chin while finding the word. “People don’t really like being stared at, you know.”

“Yeah, that’s a fair point, my bad.” The people pleaser inside you got the better of the debater.

“Hey, look, let me give you some advice.” Determination sparks in her eyes, her hands holding on to the string. “Don’t think, just—do it, or feel it, you know.” You aren’t quite sure how to play along with her words. “The reason I’m here today is because I see something in you, and I’m sure you see something under this pretty face.”

And it’s true, Haewon sparks a sense of an adventurer inside you, even if they’re through internet lines. She brings up quite a number of places in the city you’ve never even heard the name of, and thinking of the list is, to say the least, nauseating. But under the boulder, your determination to match her venturesome nature isn’t crushed after all.

“You’re speaking like one of those life coaches, you know.” You sarcastically reply with a chuckle.

“It’s called encouragement, get used to it.” She nicks your shoulder softly. “Shall we start the walk?”

“Sure.”

–

You two stride along the road, catching the sight of other sightseers, both local and foreign. Graffitis are etched into the walls by your sides, interspersed with numerous coffee shops aimed to lure gen z customers with their furnishings. And one seems to work on you guys, because you now have an iced thai tea, while Haewon has a matcha latte, also iced.

“So.” You cut the silence, taking a sip of your content. “Are you here often?” It’s one of the more “talky” questions you can think of right now. Your head slightly turns towards her; your eyes during the rest (more than half actually) of the work to catch her in the bullseye of your vision.

“This is just my second time, to be honest.” She replies, drinking her matcha. “And I love how these buildings look; they probably look gorgeous on your camera, don't they?”

“It’s a good substitute for my Tokyo needs.” You scoff, scanning over the old houses around you.

“Oh yeah, those photos did look breathtaking, I can see why.” She brings up the photos from over a year ago, letting out a tiny smile in the process. “I’ve been to Osaka once actually.”

Surprised, “Osaka? How come you haven’t told me this already?”, she has never brought it up during the six months you’ve known each other.

“I can’t describe it as well as you, really.” Haewon looks down, still strolling at the same pace as before. “Plus, it was just for a project. We didn’t have much time for sightseeing.” She mutters out, eyes fixated on the ground.

“I think it would be fun, please?” A chortle escapes you, thinking it would let her know your enthusiasm.

It’s quite a clear day for a rainy season - hints of white clouds here and there, but never enough to rage against your first date. You two remain at a distance, still, leaving a gap between your shadows.

“No, no, you even laughed at the idea of it, I won’t tell you that.” She calls you out, whimpering as the sentence ends.

The next thirty seconds go by in silence, the two of you keep glancing at each other, evading contact at any signals. People pass you by as you walk, widening the distance between the tip of your fingers. Guilt, fear, uncerta–

“I won’t laugh again, I promise.” You give her an assurance, and that’s the best you can do.

“Really?” She looks up at you, catching your honest compassion.

“If it’s funny, I might.” You chuckle. “But I’m sure it was a good experience for you.”

“Thanks.” You lit up a grin on her face, as she’s getting all excited to tell you about her adventure.

“So, this was like three years ago, back when I had just finished my freshman year, it was a subway surveying thing.” Haewon starts her tale, with you two turning left, now walking to the river. “I went with a group of people, and it was mostly lecturing around the tracks, really.” She chuckles. “So we had just the evening for ourselves for like, a week.”

“We went to a firework festival on the first day. God, it was so fucking crowded, but the sparking lights looked spectacular. They did the color work well.” As she tells the story, you can’t help but get immersed in the words. There’s clarity in the way she recounts it, greatly assisted with how often she says “flickering”, “cold”, “bright”, “exhausting”, “overwhelming”, and much, much more.

“The wagyu just melted in my mouth.”

“The system was confusing, to be honest, like a spider’s web, but they helped me with that a lot.”

“Yeah, it was fucking cold, and I brought so many shorts because I underestimated late spring Osaka.”

You two walk past some more old buildings and a few more cafes, with her story as the melody. It sweeps your leg like a damn good movie. How vivid the atmosphere she’s enamoring you in, how she’s so enthusiastic in her reminiscence, and how she grins and narrows her eyes upon any mention of food.

After a while, the river is finally in your view, as she’s getting through her final day at Marble Beach.

“I pulled a friend I made there to see the beach with me, and he said that it changed his life.” She laughs. “It was beautiful, you really should see it.”

A soft smile escapes you. “Well, I kinda get him, really.” You two finally reach the cement barrier, heighting just on your hips. It’s not too short that Haewon would have to throw a life ring to you, yet not too tall to obstruct your river view, enough for you to rest your arms on it as if you’re posing.

“Yeah, the Odaiba Beach, right? I saw the photos, once you mentioned that.”

[More dialogue]

–

“How far is your stop?”

“Four stations.”

“Wow, I’m on six, then interchange to another four.” She sighs at the daunting route, knowing she’d be alone.

The carriage slightly shakes as it takes a small turn. Sight of people are only a few; both of you are holding onto a pole in the middle. You’re gathering all the willpower to keep your weak hand from falling onto hers.

Haewon is looking out the window in the same direction as you, eyes examining the view outside - nocturne. “Have you ever gotten bored of this?” She asks, turning her sight to face you still looking out along.

You ponder for a moment. “It looks pretty at night.”

“That’s true, but it’s not the question.” She replies. “And the way you talk is strange, you know that? Especially with how you answer questions”

“Probably from watching a lot of movies, I guess.” You deflect.

“See? You did it again!” She points at you, unbeknownst to the inadvertently closing distance between your hands on the pole. “It’s not a peeve or anything, really, but I see that you always answer yes-no questions with a reason, not directly yes or no.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve got this complaint a bit often. I have to say the same thing twice, or even thrice to a lot of people.” You reply.

“They probably expect a yes or no, perhaps?” Haewon ends the playful nudge with a chuckle. “I don’t mind though; I can catch your words.”

You can only smile in response. “Yeah, you’re gonna have to do that for a while.” You laugh, in a volume that wouldn’t make it echo inside the whole train.

“Woah, getting daring just being with me for a day? I’m having a good influence on you~” Haewon playfully takes a jab.

“You’ll have a lot of influ–” You pause. “That’s the same joke, yeah, that’s the same joke, I’m not saying it.”

She laughs, not quite as contained as yours, attracting a few looks onto you. “Yeah, I’ll see my schedule first.” Her laughter would dissolve into a smile. “I think I can sort out a few things for us.”

Us. You can melt right here and now. The way she says it so easily is just too attractive. What does she think of me? Are we a thing now? Should I kiss her?

“U—Us?” You stutter out, mind flayed.

Haewon is locked onto her calendar. “Yeah, I know I’m not that good at planning but—” She meets your eyes. “Oh.”

[You are blushing and there’s going to be a kiss at the end of this chapter.]

–

Five: Party Police

–

You don’t have to leave

You can just stay here with me

Forget all the party police

We can find comfort in debauchery

= = =

The sound of the air conditioner fills the room, emulsified with your anticipation, forming a perfect cadence. The air between you is a mixture of both minty breaths you insisted the two of you to take a spearmint candy, the gender-neutral-honey-scented body wash both of you used in separate shower sessions, and the summer breeze air purifier Haewon bought from your first trip to the convenience store together.

You two are inside her room, sitting on the queen-sized bed, hands clutched between the hole your tangled legs make.

Haewon’s lips are slightly parted, as if their owner is about to make out a sound, yet the whirring fan blows any of her half-thought intentions away. And instinctually, to which you realized a few blinks later, yours are also making their own gap, and the whirring fan blows any of your half-thought intentions away.

“I—" Haewon would be the first to stabilize her frequency, ever so mildly fluctuated by your proximity. “I love you.” She can only confirm it in a whisper, barely vibrating the dormant air around you.

Yet, it seeps in, perhaps by the sincere nature in her voice. Haewon has never looked this fragile before, and your next move can actually ignite her neurons with blue flame this time.

“I—I love you t—too.” Flushed, presto heart rhythm, you muttered out these simple words. Resting air now shook with the expressions.

You’ve kissed her many times before, the end of the first date, the middle of the second date, the start of the third date, then a full on make out session during one of The Academy’s International Film nominees, with an unknowing crowd in the theater (it helps that the movie is quite a rare action triumph, so that the wet smooches of your lips are buried under clips after clips being unloaded, and the bullet cases clanking on the floor). Though, never once has it ended with her uncontrollably uttering fucks or shits, or even deity names neither above nor under you.

Haewon starts to lean closer to you, wholeheartedly knowing that this won’t be a normal kiss. Her head tilts so acutely, barely deviated from the axis. The small, deep hum from her throat is unexpected, with her eyelids closed and all. Yet, who are you to say no to her proclamation of love.

The expectations are high, yours, hers, on this kiss to capture much more than your lips. It’s both of your first times after all. And with the contact, you can’t help but match her tone in lovestruck. Hands are still stationed, too afraid to take this further, until they aren’t yours that touches a face first. Haewon fondles your cheeks with both of her hands as the kiss ensues, persuading you to reciprocate, and you do.

Fervor rises along the ticks of all the clocks, Haewon pierces the gap you opened with her tongue, invading your mouth. You gasp in shock, signaling her to break off from the session.

“Shit, are you okay?” Haewon’s eyes enlarged, her breathing still out of rhythm.

Giggling, “No, no, no, just a little shocked, let’s continue”, as you initiate the action this time, hands holding her cheeks, tongue sweeping the insides of her mouth.

Again, fervor rises along the ticks of all the clocks, the sound of the kiss becomes the only thing you can hear now. It’s wet, a little salty, albeit ardent, and rapturous.

And with an unknown source of bravery, your hand traverses down from her cheeks, grazing her neck. Haewon hums a minim into your throat as your fingers hit the ridge of her chest. And through the fabric, you give her left mound a squeeze, eliciting another two-beat note from her. Tender, addictive are the first few words as your fingers sink into the cloth, and the desire arises.

Your voice, muffled through the kiss, and raspy in hunger, asks such a bold question. “Fuck, God, Haewon, may I suck on them?”

Haewon would hum another note into your mouth, before unlatching from the torrid endeavor. “Make me moan, and don’t use your teeth.” She commands.

It’s all instinctual now, don’t think, just feel echoes. You playfully push Haewon onto the bed, eyes focus on your targets. The rhythm of her ragged breaths now takes over the room.

You run your hands down her luscious curves, feeling every hill and hollow on the fabric, before hitting an edge. ”May I?” As you grab the hem of her shirt, so eager to expose her.

”Of course, babe”

Permission granted, you swiftly pull the edge of her garment up, with her putting her arms up for easy exposure. The stream of the sight of her somewhat toned midriff, perky chest, and collarbones runs through your eyes, and it’s almost too heavy to take it in. “Fuck.” And you can only give a profanity for it.

“I know, right?” She responds, chuckling.

Magnetized, and sudden, your lips latch onto her left, brown peak, coating her breast with your saliva. She complies with your action under you, letting out a symphony whenever your mouth is right at the top of her areola, right before leaving, then swallowing it again.

The buds, excited, erect under your touch. This seems to go on for minutes. You keep switching between her left and right mounds, one hand kneading the mound that isn’t currently savored, with the other traversing her upper body, marking every square inch as yours. You won’t get bored of this easily, especially with her moaning this loud.

“More, baby, more” Haewon pleads. Her hands start to push your head onto her erect nipples now.

If you’re going to be honest, it tastes just like any other part of a human body: skin, with some honey aroma after the shower. Perhaps it’s desire, perhaps it’s ardor, or perhaps it’s love, maybe all of them together, you were drawn to them. Her writhing cries only fuel the attraction further, and the force you use with your lips.

Until–

“Fuck, fuck–, yeah.” She whines. “That–That’s good, but I want more now, baby.” Haewon mutters in the same pitch as her moans, unable to retain her usual deep tone. “You seem to– love my tits– a lot, don’t you.” Her talking is constantly cut short to make ways for the ragged breaths.

“Twenty-one years of drought, babe” You chuckle, turning your head to face hers, chin hovering above her hard nubs.

“You wanna use your mouth or your dick, huh?” Slightly annoyed, yet excited, and perhaps too lecherous that she comes off as a horny cutie joke bear. “I gotta cum first, or at the same time with you, isn’t it” She seems to be aware of how your body works, and she’s right. You don’t wanna risk being unable to get yourself up again within five minutes, while she waits, unattended.

”Damn, babe, you’ve come prepared.”

”No?, I’m gonna come with you here!” She lets out another laughter, breaking the lustful mood a bit. God, she just can’t go a minute without making a joke. Her pursuit in digging any giggles out just kills you every time, even if that means the problems were hardly addressed, tingling a small part of you on the occurrences.

You sink into the glee with her. “Oh fu— fuck off babe.” But this lustful tryst just drives you into a whirlpool right now. You quickly dispose of your shorts (why the fuck would you guys even wear clothes if you’re just going to fuck after???), freeing your delirious digit.

“God.” Haewon stares at your erect cock in awe, twitching, a glint of concern in her eyes. You wouldn’t say that it’s exactly big, but it’s enough to make her gulp. “Do I have to take all of this?”

“I’ll push slowly.” You replied, panting from the brimming anticipation.

Without a word, Haewon yanks her shorts away. Another stream of her eden, thighs, and the full lower body strikes you. And Haewon is now bare in front of you, glowing, despite her cheap light hanging above. You want to cherish this moment forever, freeze it in time, or at least just slow down a bit. Oh Hae-Won trusts you enough to expose herself, fully, in front of you. And you aren’t sure which gesture can compare to this as her proclamation of love (maybe a marriage proposal, but let’s not get into that yet).

“I thought you’d do it slower”

“All that foreplay got me so fucking turned on, babe, plus, I’m not on the shy side.”

“The nipple sucking?”

“Yeah, that meal you just had. Also, take off that shirt, I wanna feel all of you.”

Ordered, you hastily get rid of the last piece of garment, tossing it into the void, following your shorts. Both of you are now fully naked, only the cold, compressed air is your barrier now.

“Good, now come here” She says with a wink, provocative, commanding, yet so greedy. Haewon is resting on her back, with her elbows lifting her abdomen just a little from the bedsheet, enough to face you without much eye movement, smiling with desire. She bends her left leg a little, and it drives you crazy.

Fuck, she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, perhaps ranked among the gods: Hera, Artemis, Athena, Hestia, and Haewon’s victory is a certainty. She can even go bar for bar against Aphrodite, her own creator, under this cheap room lamp. And you can’t just wait to be tied to this lady with her deity-defying charm with such an intimate act.

“You want my cock that bad, Miss Oh?” You slowly, to make it a tease, slide your knees against the bedsheet towards Haewon, getting closer to her, inch by inch. Haewon opens her leg, giving you permission and space to be in her proximity. Her eden is now in view, glistened with arousal.

“There’s just this thing, ma’am, that I wanna take a sample of first.” Playfulness is attached in your message. She’s still on her elbows, heads slightly tilted at your defiance, as if you also have a god-challenging act in your pocket as well. And with some more inspection, it’s apparent that Haewon isn’t a firm believer in having cleanly-shaved hair, and somehow, this kind of nature just drives you into a frenzy.

“And what is it, mister?” Haewon asks, still with seduction, eyes locking on yours.

“You.” And without another word, you dive face first onto her wet, needy sex. Your nose is pressed against her mound, pubic hair brushes against it, but the “distraction” never succeeds in repelling you away. Further, it feeds the ferocity inside you to take in her scent, with a deep breath. With the sight alone, you thought you reached your limit, yet, spellbound under her musk, a hint of sweat, the honey-scented body wash, and her mildly tart aroma from the inside sends you into a literal mind break, like a morning coffee. Haewon is fucking addictive, and you can’t go a single day without her smell.

“She s–smells good, doesn’t s–she?” Her voice starts to quiver again, as your nose tickles her hair.

Meanwhile, your tongue, with a mind of its own, is lapping up her nectar, savoring the salty, tangy taste of her canal. Her sensitive nub, the one you’re sure it’s clitoris, is now stuck in your philtrum. Every swipe just grazes it, eliciting squeals from her.

“F–fuck.” Haewon cries out, starting to get lost in her immediate pleasure, “Ah.”, and your enthusiasm. “Just f-five minutes babe.”

Mouth busy in a sinful act, you hum an affirmative note out. Her vagina is now coated with your saliva, mixed with her lubricant. And with each time you pull yourself out, there’s sometimes a string of the cocktail connecting your lips to her sex - a thread between you and her.

At first, it’s a savoring session of her taste, for you, but as her wailing grows louder, you can only be curious about the limit. And without hesitation, you give her clitoris a brush - the same way you suck her nipple. As your lips contact, delicate, her moans would reach such a forte to the point you’re quite sure that everyone in the dorm would be able to hear.

Conspiring her frustration, “Want a few more, babe?”, you retreat your ministrations to her pale thighs, making a few marks here and there, robbing the pleasure that was once hers.

“Fuck you.” Haewon groans out. “Please, keep eating my pussy, please.”

You bring your fingers into play, caressing her inner trunks. And, with instinct, you slip yourself under her ass. Your eyes are still locking on her wet hole, and she seems to gush out streams of honey now. “Y–You are f–fucking insuf–” She moans out as you relentlessly withholding the release she deserves.

“Can’t hear with my hands under your ass, babe” It’s as if something possessed you into a womanizer, a shot of complacency.

Haewon would be able to muster up her remaining inhibition to define you with an adjective. “I–Insufferable.”

“That’s a little mean.” Your hands give her firm butt a squeeze, feeling the soft flesh. This is probably how Indiana Jones felt when he got his hand on the golden idol: like an ascendant. “Considering how soft your ass is.” You lick just beside the spot, motioning parallel to the pink labia.

Haewon groans in frustration, climax stolen by a thief. “Sh–shut the fuck up and put that tongue to use!” In forte, all the pent up energy can crush you into bits and pieces in minutes, while you are still drawing circles around your supposed target, pushing her to the edge of wrath, right before it turns into destruction. “FUCK!”

You are actually scared of her now, and perhaps the complaints of her neighbors about some tenant bossing a guest around in the nocturne. So, complying, you put your tongue to use, taking another sample of the mixture, tasting her and yourself again.

“Good boy, yeah, like that.” She whimpered out, being put back en route to paradise.

Constant pace, don’t go too fast. You tell yourself an advice you’ve read somewhere years ago, and you do as it says. You try to keep the speed the same, but it’s starting to get harder as Haewon decides that she needs something to hold on to, which is, unfortunately, your head. I once had a guy go too fast when I told him I’m gonna cum, and that was the ride down, my mood died completely. A comment you’ve seen somewhere pops up.

Your jaw can never get tired, if it is to devour her into ecstasy. But the force pressed upon your head is starting to be a double-edged sword to her, a place to hold on to, and the act that might close the golden gate.

The five minutes she gave earlier might come into use.

“B—babe.” You cry out between licks, voice muffled. “I wanna use my cock now.”

Haewon lets go of the grip she has in your hair locks, as she looks down from her lying position. “Really?” Expectations running high, she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Alright.” She thwarts her arm along the bed for a little while, a little lost, until she catches her colorful spot-covered pillow. And without any word, you help Haewon lift her hips up to insert the fluffy object below, bringing her puckered hole into your focus.

Tranced, “Can I taste it?” the words fell out without any restrictions.

“Don’t fucking kiss me again if you do; I don’t wanna taste my asshole.” Haewon commands, trying to regain her composure. “Maybe another day.”

You whine out. “Ugh, fine.” Before getting on your knees for the main event.

You use her spread thighs as a handle while aiming with your eyes. You line up your twitching digit on the center, resting it on her now-swollen clit. And a small whimper from Haewon would reach your ear, fueling your fire.

“You want this inside you, huh?” You tease, sliding your shaft against her core from the outside, glazing yourself with her honey resting on the nub.

“Fuck… yeah, I—I want it inside.” Haewon chokes out at your heavenly connection; her attempt at putting any façade is crumbling.

Slowly, your rod still above her center, you traverse your hands up her immaculate legs, onto her stomach. Her breaths are now short, out of any earlier rhythm, as your touch starts to overwhelm her senses. “F—fuck.” You’d only move upwards, creeping up her beautiful chest, until they are up for your hands to conquer. She’s yours now.

Now, you have her tits as a grip, ever so carefully fondling them while slowly juggling the movements: your hands squeezing, your hip thrusting, and your upper body leaning in to see her giving in closer and closer. It’s all there, eyes fluttering, lips shaking, loud moaning, and her whole firm frame writhing under you.

You aren’t going in for a kiss, really, but she forces you nonetheless. Hands gripping the sides of your head, Haewon would scream from the overstimulation, all restricted in your mouths, into you, letting out any control she has left.

“Babe.” You mutter out. And even slightly distorted by fervor, she’d break off from the locks under your voice.

Mouth agape, she looks into your eyes, using the final bit of her inhibition to predict your next words. “You can put it in, baby.” And you can only smile.

You guide your rod down to her engine, but neither of you has ever been more ready to ignite the moans. Your left hand has her thigh on the same side as a handle.

Wet, indeed, she welcomes you. The excessive preparation gives easy access, and you become the same groaning lump as she was, swallowed by rapture. In the wake of bliss, you tilt your head down until the sight of your disappearing cock is in the frame, inch by inch.

The insides of her tighten when you reach halfway, and you can feel your tip grazing a rough patch. “Fuck!” Haewon’s body tenses up, and she lets out a higher note than usual. You also pitch a sound lower than hers, but also noticeably higher than your regular octave.

You slowly bury yourself up to the hilt, now able to let go of your flesh. Haewon stutters a moan out when your patch makes contact with her.

“S–Seems like you can handle all of me, babe.” Your voice is quivering, without any movement to your body. You keep yourself whole with her.

Haewon can only whimper in response.

“I-I’ll start fucking you now.” You say as you start to grind your hips back. Haewon nods, giving you the right to control the pace.

Your cock, at an agonizing speed, comes back into view. You can feel the muscles inside gripping you and how the rough patch grazes the top of your digit, evoking staccatos from her. God, anyone would kill to be in your position right now.

And at the halfway point, it’s where you push back in again, still carefully. Haewon surrenders any power she has now, with her g-spot being pleasured by another person for the first time. The suffocating squeeze she has on you persists, sending waves of pleasure around your dick.

It becomes a loop: retreat and thrust, retreat and thrust, and you finally find your rhythm. It’s ecstatic - the way her flesh embraces you. You repay her accommodation with a little angling, aiming for the sensitive patch in the second step. Both of you are lost now, blinded by the passionate endeavor you’re engaging in.

Haewon’s brain can only register euphoria, howling as your tip brushes against the g-spot. And you are no better, bucking hips back and forth, chasing your release while huffing out such notes you could hit before the existence of your Adam’s apple. The only concern now is that your roller coaster would reach its peak before hers.

“Hey, I t–think I’m gonna c–cum now.” Haewon’s words came out tattered, divided by exaltations in her groans. It's a heaven’s message, as you can also feel your climax close by.

Keep your pace; don’t go faster.

You make no attempt to go rougher with your drilling; she’s already a blushing, wailing mess under Allegro Vivace. You can also feel a knot starting to form inside of you, begging to be untangled. “M–Me too, babe.”

Haewon’s moans become even louder than the oral session minutes ago; her orgasm is close by. You can feel the way her vagina contracts around your movements, and you aren’t far from it, either.

Two lost souls search for intimacy, and they eventually find each other. And the mistakes they’ve made don't matter anymore. The people they’ve passed through, either able to find solace or dissonance, have become nothing more than a plot device to drive them forward, for them to meet. And even if the future remains clouded, it’s just them at this exact moment, becoming each other’s sanctuary.

“FUCK!” Haewon cries out. As her hip convulses, bending your digit slightly. She pulls her legs back, feet touching her pale ass before they go up in the air. Haewon cums, violent, ferocious, cathartic. Her whole body tenses up; her tits are shaking. Her walls tighten around you, begging to milk every upcoming drop of you until dry.

You take in the view but can only register a few words to describe how you feel right now: fuck, and god. She screams from the top of her lungs to accommodate such pleasure. And isn’t it a symphony that’s so pleasing to hear, knowing that they are products of your doings?

Haewon’s breathing starts to slow down, but seeing how she becomes undone beneath, you quicken your thrusts to chase the high you’re anticipating. “Fuck!” Under sensitivity, Haewon squeals.

“Do you want me to slow down, babe? I can still cum no matter the pace.” With care, you ask.

“I–I wanna t–try.” Her syllables come out in stutters, “Keep going.”, as your length rams into her cunt even faster than before her high.

You keep your fast, lively tempo, and that seems to be the right choice. You can play the melody faster, yet you already fail to register all the fucks and shits, Haewon mutters out while being pounded. You’re guided by your intuition at this point. It builds up inside your stomach, calling to be broken free. You feel your legs wobbling like jello, and your awareness of whether there’s any left, opposite Haewon’s, has left your body already.

And with a single, final thrust, “FUCK!” you bend yourself down to capture her lips, screeching all the satisfaction from your high into her mouth. Spurts of cum released into her welcoming cunt, while you basically buried yourself inside her, twitching under orgasm. Haewon moans into your mouth at each of your vibrations. Lustful, your tongues are swirling inside each other’s mouth, tasting each other as much as you can.

Thick cum is still discharged into her, painting her insides with white. And slowly, you start to slide down from the precipice. Your cock still twitches inside her cunt; the remaining cum only dribbles out from the hardness now. The kiss remains magnetic; you two are too hungry for each other. You can only taste the mint candy from earlier.

Finally, it breaks, a string of saliva connects your lips together, as both of you are bathed in the afterglow. Haewon’s face is drenched from her own sweat, panting, and smiling. “I love you.” She mouths, trying to make sense of her heart rhythm, soft breaths touching your face.

You’re still panting, attempting to take in her words. Even if they’re the same as from the beginning, when the clothes are still barriers between you, it sears you this time. A lock has been solved, yet you are still questioning the contents inside the box.

Then, you realize that it’s your heart, “I love you too, babe.”, and it can explode right here. Love floods, lust flows, binding you two together, in the vast sea of possibilities.

Haewon smiles before pulling you into another kiss. This one is much less passionate than the ones preceding, but it’s, nonetheless, affectionate. The way she captures your lips is too confident for you to be unsure about the attachment she gives you, and that might be the first time in your life that you’re so certain of someone else’s love, and her name is Oh Hae-Won.

Exhausted and spent, you let yourself fall onto her side, looking up. Your left arm is resting on her collarbones. “Fuck.” Your vocabulary seems to shrink under ecstasy as the cadence rings too loud for you to think properly.

“That was fun.” Haewon scoffs, before turning her bare frame towards you, head resting on her hand. “We should do this more often.”

“Should? I’m fucking you everywhere, babe.” You reaffirm with a simper.

“Shit.” Haewon chuckles before seeming to remember something. She quickly gets up from the bed. “I’ll go pissing first. It’s this–”

“UTI. Yeah, I’ve read about it.” You cut her off to show off your knowledge of sex education. “Can we cuddle after?” You plead, attempting to make a cute face.

“Sure.” She laughs, pointing at you. “If you don’t mind having your back getting a bit wet.”, and you can only smile back at her. Haewon would saunter out to her bathroom with a slight limp, managing to sway her reddened cheeks. Fuck.

And despite the low light, you can see drops of your cum, dribbling a shine down her legs. “Are you going to clean th–”

“No.” She winks before disappearing into the bathroom, leaving a trail of nectar in her path.

You bite your lip in another rise of your arousal.

–

You hear the sound of tap water running from inside the bathroom before the lock clicks. Haewon appears in front of your eyes again, still naked.

“I kept the promise.” She says.

Immediately, still on her bed, you press your vision down her body. Her pussy remains glistened with your white cum, mixed with her tangy lubricant. Perhaps your saliva is also blended into the liquid.

“God, Haewon.” Again, your mind goes blank. “It has been just five minutes. I really can’t do that.”

Haewon chuckles, swaying her alluring hips closer to you. “I know.” Before she pounces you on the bed, staining the sheets with your fluids. Haewon prints a few kisses here and there, usually in the proximity of your lips and neck. And, in disbelief, you watch over her body to see that the five-minute gap is enough for your cock to be ready again.

“Fuck.”

Haewon’s glance follows yours to your erection.

“Another round, babe?”

–

Six: Just Another Girl

–

Now why can’t I sleep at night?

And why don’t the moon look right?

–

Sunlight peeks through the gap in your curtains, casting on the blanket that’s covering any visual hints of last night’s debauchery. Her arms retain their restrictive nature, an environment you’d enthusiastically enlist for. Her fingers barely interlocking on your heart, feeling the thrumming lullaby she holds on to like the greatest hits.

Her chest is pressed against your back, and the fact that you notice this (and how you savored their peaks last night with such unbeatable hunger) only entices your morning wood to last longer than it should’ve. You snuggle into her embrace further, establishing yourself as hers and pressing yourself into her perky breasts even harder, wanting to feel every inch of them.

“Hmm?” Haewon finally wakes up, fading her tightness wrapped around you.

Slightly panicked, you grab her escaping hand onto your warm skin. “Hey.” And you greeted her.

Haewon chuckles. “Oh, this boy needs a hug, huh?”

You close your eyes and hum in agreement, since her embrace becomes another gesture you’ve grown to love now, even if it was discovered just a few minutes ago.

“How was last night, my baby boy?” She questioned you with a tiny simper.

You can only chuckle along. “Cathartic, babe, but I’m not doing the whole mommy thing right now.”

Haewon laughs. “Okay, fine, I’ll ask you properly later, though.”

The cuddle went on for minutes. You are unwilling to let her go after such intimacy you had. After a while, you notice the scar on your chest. This may be the time you show her, but you need bravery. And you’re not sure if love could muster it up.

[A paragraph demonstrating Haewon’s good influence on you and how you’ve influenced her]

“I wanna tell you something, with us being this bare and such.” You gathered a little courage to speak up, adamantly attempting to show her your so-called scar.

Haewon would let out a tiny chuckle at your cheap joke. “Unload them to me, babe.” She lets out another tiny chuckle, resting her head on a makeshift stand of her fist. You can’t help but join along with her.

“Oh my god, fuck you.” You said, along with a laugh.

“You just did.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll start now, don't distract me this ti—" You let out a small giggle, as she’s still soaked in her own hilarity. “It’s like seven years of story; trust me, it’s more fun than you’d think.”

“Seven years? Is it like, a long-term heartbreak or something, and what’s with you making everything into a story, catastrophic or not.” Haewon asks.

“Well—” You contemplate - whether to spoil the ending for her or not, but she can probably guess by the way you purposefully hold out the information in lieu of instantly answering. “Seven years ago, in late April, I just started high school.”

You can see the late morning sunlight reflected in her eyes, single-minded on your tale.

“You want me to close the curtains first?” You direct your thumb toward the gap.

“No need, plus, you look better with the light.” She smiles, sincerity can be felt from it, maybe it’s the way the light drapes on your right half of her face.

“Thanks, babe, okay, where was I— Yeah, seven years ago, late April, high school.”

–

“And then I met you.”

“You know that you’re the asshole in this one, right?” Haewon hits you with such a question.

Certainty of a weeping eluded, “Fuck, not even a single tear?”

“Wow, this lack of self-awareness is concerning, babe, and this is out of love.” She scoffs. “You’re the bad guy here.”

“Look, I’ve been telling myself about the same statement since that day, so yeah, Haewon, I’m aware that I’m the asshole in this story.”

“Were you hurt by it or something?” Haewon asks with genuine curiosity, she caught the sadness in your tone, yet unable to make sense of it. Her head remains resting on her fist, albeit making a ninety degrees apart from you.

“I— yeah, I know it was my fault, but—“ You avert her gaze, staring at the blanket covering her midriff. “It was five years, almost. And it still hurts sometimes whenever I see something that reminds me of her.”

Haewon would give you a blank expression; her next words are unpredictable.

“I kinda— get the idea? You can’t deal with college life, so she becomes a–no, the source for you to vent shit. And one day, it became too much, with that fight making it wor–no, apparent.” It’s nothing short of incredible that she gets all of it within the first iteration and gives you the much-needed feedback (even if you’ve already considered this possibility).

“And she wants you to get better. She didn’t think she could be the person you could rely on anymore. This is how I see it.” With ease, Haewon recounts the most plausible explanation, the one you’ve been avoiding accepting.

“Yeah, it’s…” You resist the urge to argue with her point, realizing that such emotional manipulation cannot work. Perhaps the amount of self-awareness poured in just doesn’t work anymore. “You’re right.”

“There’re some points that I… kinda understand you? Like the whole being insecure stuff, but all of this is just a shitshow, babe. You even write a fic about it.” A tiny simper leaves her mouth.

“Spielberg made a film about his parent’s divorce; Taylor Swift has, well…”

“Steven’s was like… sixty years? And I think Taylor can be an asshole, to be honest, aside from All Too Well.” Haewon replied without a delay.

“Agree to disagree.” You can only sigh afterward, and maybe it’s the way your breath taps on her chest more heavily than it should or the way you avert the eye contact you’ve been maintaining.

“Hey, are you okay?” Her doe eyes hints concern, while the fingers lightly caress your cheek.

Destined, your tears well up just a little, but enough for you to detect and hold back. “Kinda.”

Haewon lets out a sigh, the back of her free fingers still fondling your cheek. “I’m sure you’ve changed.”

“It's been more than two years now.” Your lips quiver. “B–But telling you here, it’s just…”

Like the first time with your therapist, like the first time you tell your colleagues, your tears are always on the hinge as the story ends.

“I know I can’t fix it - this whole weird love-hate relationship of yours.” She finally sits up. “But I know you aren’t the person you were.” Your cheeks are suddenly cupped by both of her hands. “And as long as you… try to be better, I’ll be with you.” Haewon ends her speech with a caring look.

Nothing in her deliverance is poetry-worthy; they’re basic quotes you’d find in the self-help books. Though, the words not coming from some self-centered guy melts the cynic inside you, and that’s when tears start to fall.

“I also know that it hurts, even if you’re the one who’s wrong.” She softly cheers up.

Through the sobs, “Y–You’re quite di–direct, babe.” You try to wipe the tears off your watering eyes.

She lets out a sympathetic titter. “I’m not the best at this, sorry.”

“I-It’s fine. Thanks for being here.” You succumb to the lamentation, crying your heart out, as Haewon embraces you. Maybe it’s the way you’re naked on someone else’s bed, maybe it’s the way her chest presses up against your chin, or perhaps it’s the way she puts her leg over yours as if she’s using a side pillow, but you’ve never felt more vulnerable in your life. And you’re probably being engulfed by it under the right person.

–

Epilogue: Keeping Tabs

–

I wish I never met you.

You are the worst thing that I’m still

Keeping tabs on for some stupid reason.

–

“It’s quite a lot of stations, babe. Are you sure about this?”

“Yeah–”

It was your birthday two days ago. How old are you now, twenty-five? Three years after graduation, you rejected a job offer from Japan because you didn't want to leave your girlfriend. Not that it was a wrong choice, since the number of fights, sex, and after-fight, angry, heated sex between you and Haewon sits on the average rate.

Further, not having to buy a plane ticket every time you want to see your parents, or your friends is definitely a plus. Just a few hours after the plane landed in Narita, you want to break Japan’s immigration law. God, those streets are miles better than what you have at home.

It seems that trying to reach Odaiba Beach from Meguro Sky Garden takes an hour, plus walking. Sure, it’s ninety minutes to sunset, but you can feel doubts in her voice and your own. It’s the few final days, and all of your words hyping this exact place up only make her feral.

“Maybe we can make it if we start walking now, instead of like– arguing over this.”

Haewon shoots you a glare. “This trip would go to waste if we can’t make it before sunset.” And she takes a step towards you, pointing at your chest. The sun still casts a long shadow of her on the ground.

“Waste?” You arch your eyebrows. “Says the one who spent a whole fucking day at Shinjuku to sweep Uniqlo’s stocks.”

The wind blows over the metal fence, assorted colors of leaves swirling around you.

Her eyes remain fixated on you, before giving an apologetic expression. “Yeah that’s fair. It’s a bit of a quickfire for me on that.”

You snap a photo of her before replying. “Those cardigans are cheaper here anyway, don’t worry.”

She reaches for your camera, X-E4, examining the image of her, and smiles. “Let’s go.” Before leading you, handheld, to the elevator down from the garden.

–

“God.”

“It seems like we’re here at the right time” You speak, before taking another photo of Haewon, showered under the orange of the setting sun.

Haewon is left speechless at the sight in front of her: Rainbow Bridge, salmon sky from the sunset, tinged with clouds, some purple, red, orange. You think it’s probably from some kind of refraction. People aren’t scarce, but to say that there’s a crowd is an overstatement. It’s pretty much the same as in your memory from five years ago. How are the people in my photos doing now?

Similar to the last time, when the breakup was just over a month, you take in the view. It’s just that you aren’t basked in melancholy anymore. Sure, you’re still keeping tabs on her every few months, but it’s nothing more than a blocklist check. You aren’t ready to face Minji, really, and not seeing each other again would be a kind gesture by the gods. However, the hate etched into your wrists isn’t quite as visible anymore.

Still, you can’t play down her impact on your life. In spite of the indirect nature of the teachings, you learned how to love and what to do with one.

“I’ll be back, babe. I’ll see if I can swim to the bridge from here.” Haewon speaks out, like the first encounter, snapping you out of your trance.

Shook, “I’ll wait here; make sure not to get swept into the sea.”, and you joke, smiling.

“See ya.” Haewon grins back, gesturing a goodbye, before stepping out towards the water.

–

[A few paragraphs leading up to the encounter with Minji again; yeah, it’s a little anticlimactic for you to see this in your first read, sorry]

You failed to say a word to her, and there may not be any second chance for this.

It’s funny, miles away from where you’ve feared most. No soul in the world would’ve expected this.

The sun continues on its path, too busy rushing to make its predetermined setting time, ergo apathetic to the colors it casts onto the sky and the way Minji is elegantly bathed by it. Her features are frozen, you alike, mouth slightly ajar. Waves crashing onto the sand keep filling in the silence between you, each encouraging your heart to push out a syllable you’re choking. There’s no battle on who would give in to snapping back into reality first since the argument on the encounter being a dream is too plausible.

Though less often as time goes on, Minji has been your recurring nocturnal figure. Occasionally, she appears as the one who has disregarded your cries during those final days – unresponsive, cold, unaware of your collapse. If not, it’s you and her enamored in what you’ve always wanted her to see, conversing like high school students again. Either way, you usually classify the world surrounding you as nightmares after the alarms are off, almost always with tears welling and ragged breaths, as if her presence alone is enough to give vitality to your nights.

But if this is a lucid dream, both of you would’ve laughed by now, under the Odaiba Beach sunset. Memories are washed away into the sea, making way for you to run along the shoreline, free from any grievances. You wouldn’t go as far as saying that it could’ve been her on the flight here with you, even if the potential of it touches you in more than one way.

The bewilderment of meeting her in where’s supposed to be your sanctuary hasn’t faded one bit. It clouds the fact that she has preserved her high ponytail. She grips her denim jacket ever so tightly while slightly parting aside from the center, revealing a pitch-black turtleneck shirt beneath. The brown string crossing her body is holding her likely expensive handbag resting on the side of her hips. All of these are topped with beige, all-creased pants, undercut with sneakers of the same color, or not, you don’t seem to care anymore.

Voice notes and texts are woven into a tapestry, the one you and she cut as your paths diverged. Yet, your threads, somehow, have been remaining set to interlock with each other again after all this time. The track was divided into a parallel, just with a sea of hatred, sometimes reflecting a spark of care.

It’s still clear as day, the way she left you blind, likely without remorse, any glimmer of hope was eradicated with blocks on social media. The way you tell the version of your story enough times for you to find the median and average spot where people would start to cry. And not that you were left unshaken with each iteration; you just stop before giving in to the sorrow hanging off the edge of your tear ducts. And at one point, it became another tale, a cult classic to you.

Still, this is no place and time to assert your wounds anymore. It’s Tokyo, and five years have passed. Getting one over her shouldn’t matter anymore, you know that. What’s left to achieve in triumph is just plunging the dagger into yourself once more, revisiting how shaken you have been without her for all these years. And three, you’re the one on the wrong side.

Plus, it’s not so awful that she left, even if it casts you in a state of bereft in the first few months. You deleted her photos, and both of you blocked each other. You learned to collect yourself up again, shredding what was once shared while coming to terms with the ones rooted in the essence of you, learning to let them be shared with others. The cadence doesn’t entirely sound like it was, yet it’s what you’ve accepted as days pass.

You still hate her; it’s a known fact. I fucking hate you rings true to this day - a half-thought during a fire burned into your wrists, calling out to be crossed off. Guilt, shame, and self-loathing have been rooting off it, yet you can’t bleed the source out.

In the shadows that the sun cast, you feel a twitch in the corner of your mouth - the determination to conceal any hints of glee at her presence is trying to keep itself afloat. Another gulp in your throat only delays the inevitable; your cheek is trembling from an unknown feeling. It’s teasing the brim. It’s tasting the uncertainty. It’s towering over your hatred. And it brings the nocturnal summer wind that embraced you on the first day at high school, the day she picked up her name tag when everything was in the right place.

“Kim Min-Ji.” Your teacher called as she stood up to pick up her name tag.

“I like you.”

And it flows through you–

“Him? Not really.”

“God, you suck at badminton.” You did “outscore” her by quite a margin (twenty-one to six).

–all the words you’ve said–

“I’ll probably be a doctor. You haven’t chosen yours yet?”

–all the words she has said–

“I think she’s the one.” (She wasn’t.)

“These early mornings are killing me.” Her high school project was killing her.

“Yeah, I can’t be bothered with all this studying. I’ll probably make some nice portfolio and pray.”

–all the dreams drawn together–

“If someone wants to enter here, they can just look at these pics and follow the instructions. It might not be for everyone, I guess. I still wish I could help them, though.”

“I really fucked up a lot during quarantine, like my mental state was dwindling.”

“Now I’m going to be a tired doctor all my life.” She scoffs, downplaying her success.

“This place is filled with rich people.”

–all the struggles vented–

“God, I look so pretty in this.” The red lipstick looks good on her; you wish you knew the exact shade.

“We need to recreate this photo; you stand here.”

“See ya.” She said, not knowing it would be the last time you would see each other face to face.

“Really fucking drunk right nowww, just wanna say you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, like definitely top five, haha.” It was a drunk text in a bar under the blaring music.

–all the love proclaimed–

“I’ll probably have to study another year. You’re still invited to my graduation, though. We’d be like twenty-six by then, right?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have done that, too.”

“I fucking hate you.” The line that became a part of you ever since.

–and the ending.

“Don’t message me anymore; just go live your life separately. Have a pleasant life.”

Are you sure to delete 525 photos permanently?

This action cannot be undone.

Delete Permanently

It’s as if someone made a supercut of you two.

It's excruciating, the way it seeps through your brain, the same one that hung you to be ravaged by the abyss. A wave of serotonin washes over your face, sheathed within the Tokyo Bay’s serenity. And a smile forms, over five years of her name being a crucifixion. It’s you breaking the cadence, and you can only beg her to accept it.

Alas, you have never been in the position to ask for anything. You’ve always been the convict in the sad songs supposed to bury you under their alphabets, robbing the sorrow you meant to drown into. You are her mistake, one that she’s likely so enthusiastic to cross off in her diary.

Yet, under the setting sun, in such a foreign place, and after years of it, maybe she forgets, maybe she forgives, or perhaps she doesn’t care about it. But if even it is written in the sand of Odaiba Beach, it would also be etched on the same wound you see on your pulse, that Kim Min-Ji reciprocates your smile, with a chuckle even, back bent forward the same way you remember to accommodate such elation.

And free from conviction, you are. It’s not the late-night, thumbs-on-keyboard kind of relationship anymore, neither being two free spirits against the world; it’s two people, unshackled from grudges. It’s the closure in the same veins of La La Land, a tapestry of love remains, despite the zeroes and ones translated as blocks, plus the frontal lobe chemicals interpreted as detestations. There has always been a part of you that cares - under the miles of self-loathing from guilt and the despise entrenched in you.

As cued, the setting sun is refracted in the drop of tear grazing your left cheek. She seems fine, even if she’s drowned in her droplets, thirty, forty, or fifty—you aren’t sure anymore—meters away from the idyllic waves. It won’t be the same, and it can never be. Years of walling each other out only dims any remaining glimmer. But here you are, under the Tokyo sun, laughing and crying on such an unfortunate encounter.

You aren’t fourteen again. It doesn’t feel like the first day or the first words of you two. It’s two grief-stricken adults with a shared past. Both cannot hold on to their grudges, though, just you being an asshole for having them.

You aren’t her mistake after all, and she’s not your mistake anymore.

And it’s not witty, but it would suffice.

“Hey.”

—

“That was her, right?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it? I see that you guys were kinda smiling.”

You ponder for a moment, a little too long before Haewon would ask again.

“It ends well, right?”

“I suppose so.”

—

I need to get over you.

—

#minji angst #newjeans angst #haewon smut #nmixx smut #kpop fanfic

425 notes · View notes

saintobio · 10 months ago

Text

sincerely yours. (9)

↳ gojou satoru/reader

when a twist of fate led their marriage to the path of a quintessential tragic romance, two past lovers go through another series of experiences on love, heartbreak, identity, illness, and trauma along the road to a happily ever after.

genre. heavy angst, amnesia, modern au, 18+

tags/warnings. profanity, usage of alcohol, mentions of cheating, implied suicide attempt, toxic relationship, explicit smut

series masterlist -> episode ten

Satoru had a major problem.

And it was his self-control. His lack of self-control was the reason he had engaged himself in an adulterous relationship back when he was married. His lack of self-control was the reason why you had become the recipient of his unreasonable anger in the early stages of your marriage. His lack of self-control was the reason why, out of all the women in the world, he was now sleeping with a friend of yours. For God’s sake, his lack of self-control was probably the reason why you were also pushed to your limits, choosing to cut your marital ties with him and leaving only the scraps of his role as a parent to Sachiro.

Back when he was attending his weekly therapy sessions, his therapist told him that part of what he needed to learn was to control his impulses, resist temptations, and actively exercise his willpower. They were easier to achieve then than now, since he was the loneliest man at the time with no friends, no wife, no son, and no bustling company to run. His decisions remained untainted, his temptations unchallenged, his emotions uninfluenced—a solitary journey at its finest. He was all by himself. How come? It was because he was sent by his mom to Osaka to temporarily seclude him from his harrowing memories in Tokyo, compelling him to sever ties with the outside world and immerse solely in personal convalescence. Reflecting now, it felt no different than being sent to a psychiatric hospital.

He could say it worked at the time. He learned how to keep his emotions at bay. He learned how to control his thoughts, throwing away the bad and keeping only the good. He was a new man by the time he returned to Tokyo, prepared as ever to take on his role as the Chairman of the Gojou Group, ready to once again try and live a normal life. But the moment news had spread about his ex-wife's marriage to his business rival, all the self-control he had painstakingly cultivated seemed to have evaporated in an instant.

Everything also went downhill after that.

He wasn’t going to list down all of the things that happened nor the impact it had on him since you yourself were a witness to them. But if he was going to look at the way your return has changed the trajectory of his life 3 years after you first left, he would still at a hundred percent put all the blame on his shoulders. None of this domino effect would end up like this if he had been a faithful and loving husband in the first place. The pressure from his father was not the only root of all this, the branches also extended to his corporate greed which ultimately ruined his chance at a fruitful marriage with you.

But at least, the chaos should have settled by now. You chose to move forward and he decided to respect your decision by finding his way to another. This should free you both from the emotional torture that had you imprisoned in each other's cage for the longest time. He would still be there for you as the father of your child, but otherwise, he was happy that you had Toji Zen’in by your side to fill in the marital gaps that he had failed to complete.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips. The warm water fell on his body in rivulets, soaking him completely so early in the morning as he decided to take a long shower. For how long? He couldn’t tell. He could stay there for hours if need be. He had to let his mind wander on its own, with a hand pressed against the wall, and another stroking his white hair back. Despite accepting the fact that Toji now owned your love and affection… well, wasn’t that son of a gun too lucky? Did he even realize that the woman he would marry was once Satoru’s entire universe?

Ah, but who cares? Satoru scoffed inwardly, leaning his head back to let the water hit his face. He had Akemi, so why did it matter if you had Toji? He wasn’t bitter. He was just trying to reason with himself that you deserved to be with someone you really, truthfully loved. And he deserved that, too. Maybe not now, but at the perfect time, he could relive the life of a married man after learning from his mistakes the hard way. A much better one. A married man who would never in his life betray, hurt, or ruin his partner. A doting husband who would offer his whole life just to make her happy. He promised to himself that Akemi should have that kind of man from him.

Though, he could ask himself, how far was he from achieving that? He did practice his self-control last night when joined you in the pool—his face, inches away from you. Hand gripping your hip. Eye-to-eye. Skin-to-skin. Your warm breath fanning his cheek. Just another step forward and your lips would touch. But he didn’t let that happen. He mustered all of his power to pull back from the gravity that was drawing him closer to you. Still, he couldn’t deny that you looked absolutely gorgeous last night. As the moonlight illuminated your face, he could swear that the stars also sparkled on your eyes. They must be from the tears you were desperately holding back, but either way, you were still so goddamn beautiful. He almost couldn’t keep his eyes off you last night and had to distract himself from looking at your lips, your collarbone, your chest, your curves…

“Fuck.”

Talk about self-control.

Satoru had none of that right now. His body reacted involuntarily to the thought of you last night. The sensual thought of you. The what-ifs.

What if he had wrapped your legs around his waist and enveloped your lips into a passionate kiss?

He took a deep breath, still holding onto the wall as his other hand traveled to his growing member.

What if he had carried you all the way into the living room and laid you naked on the couch?

Closing his eyes, his hand started moving on its own, stroking his hardened cock and feeling every ridge as he pleasured himself.

What if you had let him devour you? Let him roll his tongue on your entrance and taste your sweet, sweet flesh?

Gojou let out a moan. A quiet yet desperate moan when he continued to jerk himself off faster and rougher. Damn it. He had to keep it low and he better not be heard committing such a sin in the bathroom. Although, he was confident that you were still sound asleep next to Sachiro in your bedroom, so he didn't think you would hear the noise he was making.

After all, it was shameless to know what was driving his feral thoughts right now. Thoughts of you letting him slide his tip along your entrance. Thoughts of him ramming his cock inside your tight cunt, being squeezed by your soft, velvet walls. Thoughts of your breasts bouncing wildly as he continued to hit your most sensitive spot. Fuck. Faster. He would have taken you on all fours, too. He would have let you ride his hardened shaft. He would have pressed you against the sofa and put your legs above his shoulders, letting you milk his cock with the tightness of your cunt. Satoru would release his warm seed into you in every position. He would shoot every drop of his cum straight to your womb, no doubt impregnating you for the second time around. He would absolutely love that. He would love seeing the residues of his wanton desire for you seeping out of your pussy. He would be at bliss watching your belly grow a few months after that, knowing that he had created yet another beautiful life inside of you.

“Y/N…”

Awakened by his senses, Satoru opened his eyes and saw the sticky white mess on his hand and on the wall. What the hell did he just do? More importantly, what the hell was he thinking of?

No one should know about that. Not you, not even Akemi. He didn’t cheat on her, no. He didn’t do anything with you. That shouldn’t be counted as cheating. He didn’t even touch you. And he wasn't even officially dating Akemi.

No, no…

Absolutely not.

Drowning into a pool of guilt, the first thing he did after that sinful shower session was to contact his supposed girlfriend not-girlfiend. And to make things even more awkward, you entered the kitchen in silence at the right time, carrying a sleepy Sachiro in your arms, unaware of the dilemma that was sending your ex-lover into a spiral.

“Morning,” he greeted almost inaudibly, clearing his throat and taking a sip of coffee afterwards. He had to think straight.

“Morning,” was your simple and oblivious reply as you went about your daily morning routine.

Gojou, on the other hand, was typing on his phone because Akemi wasn’t answering his FaceTime calls. He had completely forgotten to update her all day because he had been a little bit too occupied the moment he landed in America. She must be overthinking why he hadn’t reached out to her until now, and he felt extremely awful and responsible for that, but she couldn’t be fast asleep that early, right? It was 7:00 a.m. in New York, so that meant it was only 9:00 p.m. back home.

He nervously rang her number once more, mumbling a ‘please answer’ as he watched her caller ID appear on the screen.

“Dada,” called Sachiro, looking at him as his mother sat him on the high chair to prepare his breakfast.

Still holding his phone, Satoru walked to his son and placed a gentle kiss on his tiny forehead. “Morning, Sachi. Did you sleep well?”

The toddler nodded at him, drinking milk from the baby bottle that he was holding with both hands. His eyes were wide and blue—quite the same hues of blue that would remind you of a clear sky. Satoru couldn’t help but pinch his adorable son’s cheeks.

And while you were busy picking out food from the pantry, Akemi finally answered his call after the fourth attempt and showed her beautiful, soft features on the screen. His eyes immediately lit up at the sight of her. “Hey, how are you?”

He could tell she was still a bit distant and upset because of what happened two weeks ago, when she claimed to have heard him say your name during his sleep. He already made an excuse for it as he also didn’t know why he even did it in the first place, but Akemi was still understandably hurt. He couldn’t blame her.

“I’m fine, how are you?” she tiredly asked, seemingly heading towards her bed. “I just got home from work, that's why I wasn’t answering.”

He could see, in the corner of his eyes, that you were glancing at him but he didn’t return it. All of his focus was on Akemi, feeling bad that he hadn’t exactly been a good partner for her lately. Especially after the shit he just did in the shower this morning, but that was a secret that was meant to be buried. “Alright, did you have dinner already? It’s morning here so I’m having breakfast.”

She offered a small smile albeit the visible exhaustion on her eyes. “I did. How’s Sachiro doing?”

“You wanna see him?” He walked closer to his son, showing him on the screen as his big blue eyes stared at the woman on the other end of the line. “Sachi, say hi to Auntie ‘Kemi.”

“Hiii~” Sachiro happily greeted Akemi, while the latter cooed at the sight of his son. She spoke to him with a gentle and motherly tone, weaving warmth and love into her words. It made his heart full knowing that Akemi would wholeheartedly treat his child as her own, because if there was a slight possibility that she wouldn’t, she knew that Satoru would rather let her go. His child was still more important than any other woman. And so if his future partner couldn’t accept the fact that he had a child with his ex-wife, then they shouldn’t be in his life after all. The case was different with Akemi because she was already your friend and she had the chance to see Sachiro grow up before Gojou even knew his son existed at all. It was a bit complicated, but things turned out to be easier on the part of acceptance.

The only problem was you.

Because by the time the call ended, Satoru could tell that you weren’t in the best mood as you ate breakfast next to Sachiro in complete silence. Your eyebrows were curled into annoyance, and yet your eyes held sadness in them, an expression that had become difficult for him to fathom. Were you jealous of Akemi? He assumed you would say no, but your expressions showed otherwise.

“Y/N,” he called for your attention, hoping that you would look into his eyes for a little bit. Yet, not a chance did you do. “What’s our agenda for today?”

You seemed irritated, if anything. You refused to look at him as you gave a curt reply. “I communicated everything you needed to know via email. You should have checked it instead of letting Miwa do everything for you.”

Jeez. You were definitely angry. “Okay.” He cleared his throat once more. “I just asked in case there was a last minute change.”

“There isn’t. I would have said so if there is.”

“Right.”

Satoru didn’t know how to act in front of his ex-wife anymore. Now that he had seemed to ignite your pique, he chose not to say anything else further as you two finished your meals and cleaned up after yourselves. The only time he spoke again was when he offered to bathe Sachiro so that you could focus on yourself.

You agreed.

And he did his part.

It was simple give-and-take. A transactional relationship, if you must. Nothing else would blossom from that except your responsibilities as parents for Sachiro.

——

The New York trip was already as awkward as it was. And it only just started.

To be fair, it wouldn’t have been as uncomfortable if only Gojou had not decided to make it so. He was the one that made the atmosphere unpleasant by trying to savor every inch of closeness he could get to your skin, only to pull away as if nothing happened. As if he didn’t care about how it made you feel. He even had the audacity to lecture you on how to go about being good parents and setting a good example to Sachiro. Then suddenly, the next morning, he would act like such a loyal and caring partner to Akemi.

The thought of his loyalty made you scoff on the inside. He should be the absolute last one to be saying that. He should be the last one to profess how much of a loyal man he was trying to be to his new girl.

Besides, even before this trip was arranged, you had already made it clear on your mind that the sole purpose of going to New York was for Sachiro's sake. Any interaction outside the need to be there for your son would be unnecessary. He wasn’t someone you still needed in your own personal life nor did he need you in his. Your past relationship no longer mattered in this situation and all that was left was for it to be forgotten. But even with your resistance to be anything more than a parent to your son, Satoru still respected you. He still showed, even in little ways, that he cared about your comfort throughout the trip.

Five days had gone by, and everything you did in New York had been smooth sailing, all thanks to his grand number of connections across the USA. In a short amount of time, Sachiro’s surname had been legally changed, and everything else concerning his birth certificate had been corrected. The only issue left to address was your son’s nationality since Japan doesn’t permit dual citizenship and Sachiro would have to carry a Japanese citizenship and the Gojou name to be able to inherit his father’s assets and multinational conglomerate. You would leave that one up for Satoru to deal with, but everything else had been settled on your end.

Although this trip wasn’t exactly a vacation, Gojou insisted that you two still take Sachiro out to explore the city he grew up in. And you did so by going to Central Park, telling your ex-husband stories of how you used to bring Sachiro there in a stroller when he was still a little baby and that plenty of strangers, both locals or tourists, would coo at him the minute they took a peek at his adorable face. You also took him to the Empire State Building to get the best view of the entire New York City, and Satoru being Satoru couldn’t leave without taking a family photo with you and your son, capturing the beautiful urban cityscape behind you. You could see it in his eyes that even though he was happy to be there, he was also melancholic at the same time. Almost three years of his son’s life were spent in this famous city, without him, and it was as though the bitter memories of those three years for him were haunting him back. Sadness was reflecting off of his crystal blue eyes as he took a minute staring at the view of the city, reminding you that you were the reason why he had missed out on his baby’s first memories.

If guilt could literally eat you alive, you would have been devoured.

“Ready to go, Sachi?” Satoru asked your son, tucking his phone away after having (seemingly) sent Akemi a text message, probably updating her of where he was and what he was doing. In fact, he had been texting and calling her every now and then, as if he was doing his best to reassure her that he wasn’t doing any funny business with you. Has Akemi always been a possessive partner? Even with your years of friendship with her, she had never acted that way in her past relationship. So, was she only like that to Satoru specifically? You wondered if she would go nuts had she heard Satoru tell you how badly he wanted to make more babies with you on your first night here.

Sachiro nodded, clinging to your hand while reaching for his father’s. “Dada, hand pwease!”

Satoru did offer his hand, but mirrored the surprise on your face when your son tried to link your fingers together, urging you to hold each other's hands like a couple. You didn’t want to get too offended by it, but your ex-husband was the first one to pull away. “I, uh, made a reservation for us in Carbone,” he said, unable to exchange eye-contact, “Yuuta will meet us there.”

“Oh, he’s in New York?” you asked, pretending you didn’t notice how he acted allergic to your touch and redirected your attention to your son. “Did you hear that, Sachi? Uncle Yuuta will come and see you.”

Your little one was oblivious to the world, too distracted by the throng of people surrounding the place that he didn’t even notice how his parents were uneasy with each other. To say that you didn’t feel bad for your son was a lie, because it actually broke your heart. Even if you and Satoru were working on co-parenting and making sure Sachiro wouldn’t feel the gravity of a broken household, you knew that when he reached the right age, all of this would still have an effect on him. One day, he would still be asking questions about his parents. Questions about why you separated, why your marriage failed, and why you had to move to New York while his father stayed behind. It hurt. Deep inside, it hurt so much to know that your only son wasn’t given the chance to have a complete family and it felt like a failure on your part as his parent.

You were sure that was what Yuuta thought, too. As you met with him at a fancy restaurant in the city, you could see how his face lightened up seeing his nephew bonding with his parents as if it were a family vacation. He must have known what it was like to have a broken household. In fact, he had lived in a toxic one before, but he still grew up to be a mature and dignified young man who never let the horrors of his family’s actions affect his rational thinking. So if there was anyone in the world who would sympathize the most with Sachiro, it would be Yuuta.

“Sachi,” he spoke to your son fondly, wiping the sauce on the toddler’s chin. Yuuta chuckled as he watched the little boy's grimace after being given a small piece of broccoli. “You don’t like vegetables?”

You fixed the bib on your son’s neck. “He does, but he’s very picky with it,” you tell Yuuta, glancing at Satoru who was busy speaking on the phone with Nanami about what appeared to be matters concerning the company. “Wonder where he got it from.”

“Right.” Yuuta’s eyes turned into moon crescents as he smiled. “I remember nii-san being a little picky.”

“You hear that Sachi?” you teased your son, who looked at you with his cute puppy eyes. You knew that if you had the ability to peak through his toddler mind, it would actually be full of fried chicken. The thought made you laugh. “Don’t be like daddy, okay? Sachi needs to have his veggies so he’ll be strong when he grows up.”

“But…” Sachiro pointed to his father. “Dada is stwong.”

Satoru chimed in at the conversation after having finished the call, “That’s right, Dada’s strong. Mommy could barely even handle me.”

“Do you even know what we’re talking about?” You rolled your eyes, while Yuuta wanted to giggle, but chose to hold it back seeing the awkwardness of the situation.

Satoru shrugged and sat on his chair, eyeing the scrumptious dishes that were served to your table. He was acting like he hadn't been served more expensive meals before. “Have you tried the spicy rigatoni before? I heard it’s famous here.”

You casually answered. “Yes. Toji used to bring me here every time he visited.”

Look, you didn’t mean to overshare nor did you mean to make things even more awkward. You also didn’t mean to slap it in his face about how you were spending your years in New York with Toji. But Satoru, with his pride, took it resentfully.

“Oh, really?” His words were the opposite of his voice. He was mirthless and full of unenthusiasm before changing the topic, redirecting his attention to his step-brother instead. “How’s Harvard?”

Yuuta eased the tension by making small talk, sharing details about his university life, and making sure he didn’t contribute to the growing tension. “I’m really just trying to survive this semester so I can go back home as soon as I graduate.” After taking a sip of his Cabernet Blend, he continued, “Like I promised, I’ll help you with the company.”

You were happy, at least, to know that Satoru and Yuuta had fixed their relationship as step-brothers even after the whole incident with Nana, Eula, and their father. What used to be a relationship full of envy and competition finally became one that was full of mutual trust and support. Yuuta deserved that since he never once wished for his brother’s downfall, while Satoru also deserved to have a family member that had his back and helped him with the business without constantly fighting about inheritance. Because technically, Satoru was the sole heir of the Gojou family, and his dad only made it seem as though he would give it to Yuuta to make his own son comply with his orders. Satoru’s dad was controlling in that sense, and that was what led to all of this.

But the present was more important. Things have changed and mistakes have been learned. It was all up to you on how you were going to manage your new life moving forward.

Only, if only things were a little bit different on his side.

——

You had raised your son all by yourself for the last 3 years, so the presence of his father wasn’t really something you were used to for the longest time. How Sachiro acted around other people was solely a reflection of your teachings, discipline, and guidance as his mother. He didn’t really have a paternal figure up until now, and even if Toji was there to support your journey to motherhood, he never fully meddled with your mother-son relationship nor did he act like a replacement to Sachiro’s biological father. He loved him like his own, but respected the fact that the spot was reserved for Satoru. He knew that. He understood that, because he himself experienced raising a child alone without the presence of a mother. And if you asked him, he, too, would not want Megumi to replace the very love that he was supposed to have for his biological mom. Sure, Megumi could love and respect you, but Toji would still want him to save an unnegotiable spot for his mother in his heart. After all, she had birthed him. And in that same way, you had birthed Sachiro and created him with Satoru during your marriage. If there was anyone Sachiro should look up to, it had to be his father.

And quite frankly, the father himself was doing an excellent job.

But then again, remembering how hands-on Satoru was to you during your pregnancy, you never doubted that he would be a good parent. He may not be a perfect husband, but he loved his child with all of his heart and soul, and he would risk it all just to keep him happy.

It was new to you how, throughout the trip, you didn’t have to take care of Sachiro alone. You and Satoru helped each other harmoniously, attending to your toddler’s needs and making sure he was being prioritized. You were glad. Truly. You were grateful to see that he wasn’t an absent father and that his words weren’t empty when he promised you that he would be a responsible dad to him.

Though, at the back of your mind, you couldn't help but wonder what would happen if he welcomed another child in this world? A child that didn’t come from you? Deep inside, it hurt you to imagine him neglecting Sachiro on the side the minute he welcomed a new baby with Akemi. The reality was, the father would always prioritize the child of the current wife, not the child of the ex-wife. He would still support him, sure. But would he still pay the same level of attention that he was giving Sachiro now? You would probably break in half if Sachiro was thrown to the agonizing realm of feeling like an outsider in his own family because no child deserved that. If Satoru had that experience first-hand, he should not subject his own son to that same feeling.

You would be selfish to say this, but you wanted to seize the opportunity while Sachiro was still his only son. Hiding him from his father was your fault—you had gone through that a million times and you weren’t shy at holding yourself accountable through that mistake. However, you were already doing your best to make amends and make up for the years Sachiro had missed around his father. He was Satoru’s first and only child, and therefore he should never fight for his father’s affection. You weren’t sure what Satoru’s long term plans with Akemi were, but if they were considering having their own children someday, you would never allow your son to be pushed back at the bottom of the family tree.

Sachiro was the true first-born son of Satoru. He should never have to fight for his position in his father's eyes.

And so on the night of your flight back to Japan, when Satoru asked if he could take Sachiro with him for the rest of the week, you had no problems in saying yes. Your only wish right now was for them to spend as much time together as possible.

“Where are you taking him?” you did ask in spite of your leniency to send your son away, waiting inside the car as the pilot and crew prepared the private jet. “Please send me the full address. I need to know where he’s gonna stay and—”

“You’ll get the details from Miwa,” he casually said, rubbing Sachiro’s back as the little boy slept on his chest. He didn’t bother meeting your eyes as he talked. “I’m just taking him to my vacation home in Osaka.”

Osaka…

That was where his mother isolated him from the rest of the world when he was having terrible episodes. Episodes that worsened after he had found out that you ‘terminated’ his child and abandoned him for good. Shoko once said that they felt like Gojou disappeared from their lives while he was there, because nobody else could reach out to him. They couldn’t visit him nor could they contact him for a year or so until he was mentally ready to come back to Tokyo.

You didn’t want to pry on matters that were sensitive to him, so you chose not to say anything concerning his decision to take Sachiro to Osaka. He must have wanted to reflect on his past experiences, allowing him to heal from them as it brought him to the incommutable life he had now—life knowing that Sachiro actually existed after everything that he was made to believe.

“Please take good care of him, okay?” It was only a reminder, nothing else.

Satoru kept a straight face, nodding before he planted a kiss on his son’s forehead. “I got it from here.”

After a minute of silence, you both got out of the car and you watched him carry the peaceful Sachiro in his arms. You left the sleeping toddler a tender kiss on the cheek before parting ways. “I love you, my baby.” Stroking his hair, you kissed his tiny nose. “Mommy will see you soon.”

Satoru knew that you were staying behind. You had informed him of your plans before you even came here to the airport with him, explaining that Toji would be in Miami and that you had made arrangements to meet with your fiancé there. Satoru didn’t say anything much about it either, simply nodding his head at your decision and telling you to ‘do whatever’ because he was no longer a husband you should report your plans to. There was no hint of jealousy in his stance, but you couldn't miss the flicker of bitterness that did appear on his eyes for a millisecond.

You didn’t even say goodbye to each other as you watched them board the plane. And he didn’t even bother looking back at you to tell you to take care of yourself. Not that you expected anything from him, but a quick goodbye would have been nice since you did spend the last couple of days together. Or perhaps, he was upset about the fact that you were staying behind to meet Toji?

Either way, you were on your own now.

It took some time for you to reach Toji in Miami. He had insisted on meeting you at the airport, but because he had to meet with a foreign investor, you headed straight to the hotel he was staying at. Funny enough, you couldn’t help but compare how different it was to stay in the same accommodation as your fiancé vs with your ex-husband and son. With Toji, nothing felt uncomfortable and sharing a room as a couple was as normal as it should be, but things did feel too formal and too forced. With Satoru, it felt awkward to share the same space with him, but since your son was there, it felt like home. It felt strangely close to home, like it was only right. That staying together as a family was what your heart wanted.

Ever since Satoru went back to Japan with Sachiro, you had been feeling a wave of separation anxiety. Your mind was always left wandering towards them; how they were doing, where they were, what they had for dinner. You wondered if Sachiro was giving his father a headache. Smiling at the thought, perhaps he was giving Satoru a hard time changing his diapers.

“Everything okay?” Toji, noticing your trance, put an arm around you as you two sat at the VIP lounge of the Miami Grand Prix. This was Toji’s scene. If Satoru was a fan of horseback riding and polo, Toji preferred big time F1 races. He even personally knew the racers, the type of cars they were driving, and everything a huge fan had to know. You weren’t all that familiar with these things, so it was a little hard to keep up with his lifestyle.

“Y-Yeah, sorry,” you stammered, realizing how distracted you had been all this time. “What were you saying?”

He drank from his glass of 30 year-old Macallan, downing the liquor like it was mere water. A cloud of disappointment settled over his features. “Not interesting to you, huh?”

“No, I…” You made an effort to place a hand on his nape, giving him an apologetic peck on the lips. “I’m really sorry for zoning out. I was just… I guess I was just a little tired from New York.”

Toji placed a hand on your knee, sighing. “It’s fine. I was just trying to introduce the guys to you,” he said, scooting closer as he pointed to the racers. “You know that guy? Lewis Hamilton. He’s quite popular with the ladies,” then he moved his finger towards the other drivers, “And we got here for Ferrari, Carlos Sainz and Charles Leclerc, also fan favorites.”

Your eyes suddenly caught sight of Gojou’s favorite car brand. “Um, how about McLaren? Who drives for them?”

Unsure if Toji caught on or not, he did take a minute before feeding into your curiosity. “Norris and Piastri.”

You wished you had any idea about F1 so that you could be as enthusiastic as Toji was at this event. He was at his happiest right now and you didn’t want to ruin it by being a boring, uncultured fiancé, because frankly, all these women around would have done a better job at entertaining him. Toji was very eye-candy and you couldn’t blame these models from glancing up at him, especially with how manly and suave he was, dressed like a picture perfect example of an old money businessman. The likes of him were the prey of these desperate influencers, willing to sell their bodies in exchange for a night with him. But truth be told, that was their way of living and you could never find it in yourself to insult them. You didn’t want to shame them for attempting to climb the social ladder because that was how they view money and success, or at least a faster ticket to it.

As long as they didn’t try to make moves on your fiancé while you were around, you wouldn’t be so bothered by a few stares here and there.

Neither was Toji. He must have experienced being stared at during these events plenty of times before, and he probably even sent women home crying because of rejection or worse, humiliation. Now that you think of it, how did Megumi feel when his father was being hit on while watching the Grand Prix? Most importantly, why was the teenage son absent at this current event?

“Love, why didn’t you bring Megumi with you?” you inquired out of a sudden curiosity, knowing that Megumi was always present next to his father during F1 events.

Toji took a sip of the hard liquor once more. “He didn’t wanna go. He was giving me the silent treatment before I left for the US.”

Confusion further blanketed your eyes. “Did something happen back home?”

He let out a deep breath, his face signaling that he was deep in dilemma. “The Zen’in elders want to set him up for an arranged marriage,” he revealed, much to your surprise, “They wanna make sure he’s not gonna end up like me, married to someone who wasn’t ‘qualified’ to be my wife.”

At first you were confused if he was referring to you, but you realized that he was describing his late wife. Megumi’s own mother, the only woman Toji had ever loved by a mile. He fought everyone for her, even turned his back on his own family for her, but claimed that he also ultimately led her to her demise because the elders of his family harassed her until the day she died. It was a tragic love, perhaps even more tragic than yours, so you somehow understood why Toji was conflicted about Megumi’s personal life.

But you? You were strongly against it. “I don’t support arranged marriages, you know that,” you told him with conviction, sympathizing for the poor boy, “It’s not gonna end well. You know what happened to me…”

“I know.” Toji’s eyes were filled with regret. “I know, but there’s nothing I can do about it unless Megumi himself tells me he has someone he loves.”

“Did you ask?”

“He’s tight-lipped about it.”

You sighed. “Well, he’s a teenager. They get pretty shy about these things.”

Forcing a marriage was never a good thing. You couldn’t understand why the concept even existed because it didn’t benefit anyone aside from the people around the married couple. That was why they called it a marriage of convenience. They were married for everyone’s sake but themselves; family name, status, business… You have had enough of it. If only you realized it from the very beginning, you never would have subjected yourself to a loveless marriage with Satoru. Even if your love did grow eventually, things still didn’t work out for the best, and now your life was a mess. A divorced couple co-parenting their only son? There was obviously no convenience gained in that false marriage.

Megumi would just be wasting years of his life tied to a person he didn’t love and so you were hoping that Toji would fight for his son’s right. Because if he truly understood you, he would not subject his son to the same suffering you went through.

“I wish my wife was here,” mumbled Toji, forlornly, “She’d know how to handle these things better than I do.”

Were you not there for him? You swallowed your pride, hiding the pain in your voice. “Right…” A smile was all that you could offer. “I’m sure she would.”

——

Something was different about Toji and you couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

It wasn’t his appearance, and neither was it the way he spoke to you. He was all the same except for one thing; the look in his eyes.

He had told you this before. He said that the eyes carry the most truthful and raw emotion that you can see on someone. The presence of love would be visible in someone’s eyes just as you would see stars on a clear, night sky. The lack, however, would mean that the eyes are blank and empty like the dark void in the expanse of the universe. You didn’t have to be poetic to be able to discern the way his eyes communicated his most solemn feelings in spite of trying to show otherwise.

He must have been tired. Being caught up in your back-and-forths with your ex-husband, having to put up with your pretentious co-parenting situation, and the never ending need to keep an open mind about your situation with the same man who had ruined you. When your heart was in pieces, wasn’t he the one who tried to fix it? Wasn’t he the one who remained by your side during your darkest times?

Whether that may be true, whether he truly ever loved you, you could recognize the stark difference of the Toji that genuinely cared for you to the Toji that was only actively trying to be there for you. What had changed him all of a sudden?

“Toji, you drank a little too much.” A weary sigh escaped your lips, pulling all your might to drag your fiancé to lie comfortably in your shared bed later that night. At least, on the way to the hotel room, you had his bodyguards to thank for. They were there to haul him while he was in his drunken stupor, letting you lead the way, and dumping him carefully to his bed because there was no way you would be able to carry such a muscular man all by yourself. Now that you were alone with him, you decided to care for him the same way you used to do when Gojou was coming home drunk at night. Starting with his shoes that you took off, his shirt that you unbuttoned, his pants that you unzipped. “Come on, love. I’ll get you changed.”

The verdant hues of his eyes weren’t present. They were hiding behind his lids, refusing to meet your gaze. But if anything, he did open his mouth to speak, “...You. You wanna know a secret?”

Drunken words are sober thoughts, you reminded yourself. Of the numerous times Satoru had gotten drunk during the early stages of your marriage, it was how you found out that deep inside him, he did care for you. That in spite of his ill-tempered exterior, he was a man deprived of parental love and support. What would be the case for Toji, then?

“Yeah?” You waited for his answer, slipping his shirt off and revealing his toned body.

The scar on his mouth moved when he displayed a mirthless smile. He was as drunk as an alcoholic would be. “I don’t… think… I can love you the same way I loved my first wife.”

Your heart paused. In fact, every heartbeat became heavy. You knew how he felt, but didn’t expect him to say that out loud. “I-Is that so…?”

“Absolutely,” he mumbled, chuckling inaudibly. He was at a point where he was too far gone to realize the magnitude of the words he was saying to you. “Even if you try your best, she was everything I wanted in life and the only woman I could ever offer my heart to. She’s irreplaceable, and I don’t feel guilty about it... because I know you’re still into Satoru, too.”

“That’s…” You held your breath, holding back the sudden tears that formed in your eyes. “That’s not true.”

Toji wasn’t done yet, however. He still went on with his drunken speech like he was finally pouring out raw, yet hurtful words out of the bottle. “Who knows? You would’ve had him touch you back in New York if you didn’t have me. You would’ve had him impregnate you, have his second child with you, and guess what? He still won’t be loyal to you.”

The pain in your heart increased tenfold. Everything went still and every minute felt like a stab to your soul. Should you say something? Should you get angry at him? No, no you couldn’t. Your chest was tightening and you knew it was smart not to let such negative emotions overpower you. His words were just a little difficult to grasp because Toji never in his life had been callous with his words to you. The tears that fell from your eyes were from the betrayal that you felt after hearing the cruel words he had uttered. And yet, you tried to hold on to that thin string of hope that Toji’s words didn’t come from a place of truth.

“That’s enough, Toji. Go to sleep.” You pulled away, swallowing the bitter taste of weakness in your voice.

He hummed, unaware of the pain he had put you through. “The more I look at you, the more I realize how much I actually don’t want to spend my whole life with you,” he admitted, with little to no regard for your current feelings, “I can’t fill this emptiness by being with another empty soul. And if there’s one thing I’m most grateful for, it’s that I let you run away that day before I fulfilled my vows with you—”

“Enough!” You shot up from bed and wiped the flood of tears on your eyes. “Enough! I’ve heard everything you wanted me to hear, okay?! Enough!” you raised your voice in despair, almost begging for him to stop tearing your heart asunder. “I get it! I fucking get it… so enough. Please, Toji.”

Drunken words are sober thoughts.

A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.

Alcohol is a truth serum.

The revelation of Toji’s true feelings that night was a reminder to you that he was just like any other man. That you should have never put him in such a high regard, thinking that he would be the prince charming that would save the poor damsel in distress. Why? What would he benefit from someone like you? You only deluded yourself into thinking that a man like him would take a single mother so seriously. You were only meant to be a placeholder for his dead wife after all.

A placeholder, certainly. Not even deserving to have the title of a wife.

——

There was a huge contrast between being with you and Sachiro in New York vs being with Akemi and Sachiro in Osaka. The difference? There was no awkward air between Akemi and him. They were free to do things as they will—no restrictions, no certain do’s and don’ts. They were happy to have each other’s company, minus the guilt nor the unease of being by each other’s side. If anything, Satoru bitterly assumed that you were having the time of your life in Miami with Toji. You were so keen to see the man back there before parting ways with your ex-husband and son like you were simply discarding them to the side.

If so be it, then fine. Satoru had all the right to have his son all to himself while you were gone. Besides, Akemi was just one call away and she was everything he could ever ask for. She cared for Sachiro as if she was his own mother and Satoru couldn’t be more grateful that he didn’t need to work on building a bond between her and his son.

In fact, Akemi very much knew how to win Sachiro’s heart. As they took his adorable son to Universal Studios that day, she was nothing short of a caring mother. She had acted as a guardian to his son throughout the rides, letting the toddler enjoy his time at all the wonderful attractions that the theme park had to offer. Not once did his son cry too, so that only meant that they were doing a great job at taking care of him.

Of course, it was a different story in the afternoon. After having spent all of his energy during the day, Sachiro had become tired and hungry by dinner time. But he wasn’t such a difficult kid to tend to, so Satoru was proud that his son still wasn’t throwing a tantrum even after a whole day of not having you around.

“We’re gonna get Sachi fried chicken,” he enticed the pouting toddler, kissing his forehead while Akemi carried him in her arms. “Is that what you want?”

Sachiro nodded and wrapped his little arms around his auntie’s neck. “Chicken, dada.”

Akemi smiled at the child’s gesture, tempting her to also place a kiss on his cheek. “You’re so cute and well-behaved, Sachi.”

“—Satoru?”

At the familiar voice, all three of them turned to the woman standing behind like a deer caught in the headlines. She was tall for a woman, slender, and had long, auburn hair, rosy cheeks, and ivory skin. Next to her was a tattooed man with salmon pink hair, a piercing on his ear, and a very defensive stance. Ah… How timely.

Sera and Sukuna.

Satoru wasn’t sure if he should openly greet them, after all, they weren’t acquaintances. And it was only recent that he got his memories back, triggered by Sera's presence at the expo. Other than that, he had no business with the two of them. Sukuna wasn’t a business partner of his, so him and Satoru had no formal connection towards each other. As for Sera, she might be his ex-girlfriend, but they didn’t exactly have the healthiest relationship to begin with, so…

“Of all the places,” she mumbled, almost gaping at the sight of him. Her eyes then trailed off to Akemi and Sachiro, with which her expressions shifted to guilt. Did she recognize his son? Did she remember the horrible attempt she did to harm his child during his ex-wife’s pregnancy? The memory was flooding Satoru’s brain like a tsunami. Yeah, in that case, Sera should definitely be filled with guilt. She tried to kill this harmless child.

He cleared his throat, now becoming protective over his son at the presence of his ex. “We gotta go—”

“I guess it’s true,” Sera spoke again, this time redirecting her attention to Akemi. “The rumors, I mean. It’s all just surprising to me considering how obsessive Satoru was to Y/N.” She paused, seemingly wanting to comment at her ex-boyfriend’s current relationship in a mocking way. She kept her eyes on Akemi only, while Satoru was left wondering why Sera was acting hostile towards her. What was her deal now? She wasn't in the position to be acting all entitled to Gojou anymore, but here she was, talking to Akemi like she had met her before. “Did you know? He sacrificed everything for her. No one else made him beg on his knees the same way Y/N did.”

He couldn’t even tell how Akemi felt while Sera was clearly taunting her with her words, but she still managed to smile and excuse herself, keeping Sachiro away from an environment that should only be between adults. It was ridiculous, surely. What was Sera thinking trying to subject his son around that kind of hostility? Balling his fists, Satoru turned to Sukuna and spoke to him man-to-man. “You’d better keep your woman entertained so she’ll stop meddling into other people’s business.”

Sukuna, however, found the situation equally humorous. “Don’t worry. We both are entertained.”

Making a spectacle of Satoru’s personal life? No wonder they ended up together. They were both pieces of shit.

Before Satoru turned on his heels to follow Akemi, Sera still had one last thing to say to him. This time, she was more calm and less malicious—her eyes following Akemi’s trail before looking back at him, “Satoru, if you have truly grown as a man, you won’t do this to Y/N.”

——

Sachiro was fast asleep when they returned to the Gojou clan's vacation home.

Meanwhile, since the night was young for the two adults in that house, Akemi and Satoru shared a passionate session in the living room downstairs, letting her ride him as he placed soft kisses on her collarbone. They tried to keep quiet, obviously, and all the lights were turned off, leaving only the moonlight illuminating their view. After a few more minutes into their lovemaking, they eventually met their climax and tried to catch each other’s breath, embracing her in his arms as she fell limp against him.

“Satoru, I missed you a lot while you were gone.”

“...Same.”

Silence engulfed them for some time until she let out an exasperated sigh. It was clear in her facial expressions alone that she was pondering about the whole scene with Sera earlier. “That girl earlier, Sera, she—”

“Don’t mind her.” Gojou closed his eyes and leaned his head against the backrest. He knew he had to clear things up straightforwardly, leaving no room for any misunderstandings. “She just loves riling people up. It’s ironic she’s coming at Y/N’s defense now like she didn’t torment her back then. She’s not worth paying attention to.”

“Okay.” Akemi pulled away, cupping his face and stroking his cheek. She also offered him an angelic smile while doing so. “But you don’t feel that way anymore, right? For Y/N?”

Satoru took a deep breath, but steadied the movements of his chest. He felt defensive all of a sudden. “No.”

Her smile grew more relaxed as she pressed a light peck on his lips. “Right.” And for a while, they both stayed silent. His thoughts ran straight to you, while hers was quite on a different route. “Earlier when I put Sachiro to bed, he called me his mama.”

His eyes widened. “Oh… he did?”

She answered with a nod. “I don’t know if he’s just half asleep calling for his real mommy, but… At that moment, it made me realize how much I want to have my own,” she hinted at him, wistfully staring at his blue eyes with her shining ones, “with you.”

——

You didn’t take the flight back to Tokyo.

What you took was an immediate flight straight to Osaka where you knew your son and your ex-husband would be. You weren’t sure if it was due to the height of your emotions, but you surely let your impulse win the best of you this time.

You just wanted to escape. It was for the first time in your life where you were dying to set yourself free from Toji’s presence, the very same person who you once likened to a buoy in an open sea. Now he was no longer that. He was far from that. He was an anchor pulling you down at the deepest part of the ocean. Needless to say, the pain was still fresh from your heart when you took the earliest flight back home after his drunken confession to you.

Despite the many missed calls and texts and emails he had sent you, none of them were returned. None of them were seen, or read, or had been replied to.

All you wanted to do was get to your son. Your son. Your only comfort from all the painful things that the world has thrown at you. If not for Sachiro, you would have long ended yourself. But because he was born in this world, because he relied on his mother for love and guidance, you had to be strong and you had to seek the comfort in your heart from him.

They could all turn their backs on you, but never will your son do.

And so, after a few back-and-forth emails with Miwa to confirm the address of Satoru’s residence in Osaka, you ignored the jetlag that was hitting your body and traveled straight to his place without a wink of decent sleep. Sachiro. Sachiro was all you ever thought of when you asked your driver to drop you off the park nearby the Gojou clan's residence as soon as you spotted your son's mop of white hair, him running across the small bridge and pointing towards a fish in the pond. Your son was happily calling all the fishes, gushing about them to Satoru who stood next to him.

You didn’t even care at how you looked during that moment. You just wanted to get to your son and embrace him in your arms. He had been away from you for way too long and you had already grown pale and sick from the separation anxiety that engulfed your heart and mind.

You had to have your son. You had to hold him.

“Sachi!” you called out, a smile present on your face as you made your desperate way towards the bridge. Your son looked at you the moment he had heard your voice, and was already skipping towards you with a bright smile on his face. “My baby!”

Satoru’s face, on the other hand, turned pallid. His eyes were full of surprise, unable to believe that you were actually right in front of him. It was like he had seen a ghost. No, worse than a ghost. Why? Did he not expect you to come when he had let Miwa send the address to you? Were you not welcome to visit your own son?

“Mamaaa!” Sachiro hugged you tightly, allowing you to attack his cute face with kisses all over.

“Mommy missed you so much, my baby.” You could almost cry. As young as he was, he had no idea how much comfort he was bringing into your heart. Just to be able to see him, hold him, kiss him was enough for you to feel complete again. It was at your brokenness did you realize how much Sachiro could fix you whole.

“Y/N, I thought you…” Satoru paused, confusion seemed to be settling on his features as you looked up at him. “You’re supposed to be back by Monday.”

For a moment, you were reminded of the reason you came home earlier than intended and it stung your heart to think about. “Change of plans.”

A small scoff left his lips. “Don’t tell me you left Toji back there.”

I did, you wanted to say. Satoru had no single idea how true his words were, but that was none of his business and you had no plans of confiding in him about what had happened. You may be angry with Toji now, but you still respected him enough not to do terrible things behind his back.

“I had to see my son,” you lied, although it wasn’t exactly one, and got up while holding your toddler’s hand. “Are you ready to go home with mommy, Sachi?”

Reluctance clouded your son’s face, and he became more resolute at shaking his head the moment a woman’s voice called for him from afar. A woman, a very, painfully familiar woman came into view a few meters away from you. Standing there was your best friend, Akemi Hirai, looking at you with wide, mortified eyes as soon as she saw your presence.

And in a snap, Sachiro ran to her. Your son ran straight to her, joyfully and excitedly as if she was his real mother.

How many more heartbreaks do you have to go through?

How many more tears do you have to hold back?

“I…” Your hands were shaking. Your entire body was on the verge of breaking down. All this time, your son had been in this vacation home living like a happy little family with your ex-husband and best friend.

Now, he even refused to go home with you.

Gojou scanned through the look on your eyes as though he was reading your emotions, but you showed none of it. Not a single emotion could be seen on your face. Not an ounce of pain shown, despite seeing how your son immediately forgot about you and headed straight to another woman. How excited he was to spend more time with his dad and his new girlfriend. How, much to your discomfort, he refused to go back to Tokyo with you. You saw the future family Sachiro was about to have without you in the picture, and damn did it hit you like a truck.

Why, why did everyone in your life choose others before you?

“I’m sorry. I’ll bring him to your house Monday morning,” said your ex-husband in a soft, delicate voice, almost as if he was being careful with you. “We’ll take care of him.”

You could simply nod, avoiding eye-contact with anyone in the vicinity except for Satoru. “Okay...” you struggled with words. Your entire body was shaking. The last thing you wanted was to sound like a selfish mother, but frankly, you were about to self-destruct. “Just keep him happy… that's all I ask.”

Behind your mask of indifference, Satoru knew what right words had to be said. You needed reassurance, and that was exactly what he gave you. “I won’t ever take him away from you, Y/N. I promise.”

You watched them walk away, leaving you alone with a look of sympathy that you didn’t need. Sympathy that you despised having received. This should serve as a wake up call to you that no one in this world would ever love you. That even your own child would, one day, abandon you.

As tears fell from your eyes, you felt a certain pang on your chest that hurt worse than every other pain combined. “You know you’re not so good with promises, Satoru.”

#series: sincerely yours #jjk x reader #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #gojo angst #jjk angst #gojo satoru angst #gojou satoru x reader #gojou satoru x yn

2K notes · View notes